The Lordy Award for Derivativeness in Fantasy
The Seeker: The Dark is Rising - Oct 5, 2007
It looks like an episode of Gilmore Girls, but the word on the street is this attempt at a new fantasy adaptation franchise is more than that. It's about a magical child, a battle between good and evil, saving the world, and terrifying monsters. Could there be orcs? Could there be a wizard's school? The wise among us will never know.
The Pyscho II Award for Unnecessariness in a Sequel
Elizabeth: The Golden Age - Oct 12, 2007Are you fucking kidding me? They got Cate Blanchett to come back to play Queen Elizabeth again nine years after the first movie? Wonderful, and it's only one year after a boring BBC miniseries about Queen Elizabeth that won a shitload of awards. Don't you stupid British fucks have like 50 queens you could be doing movies about? PICK A DIFFERENT FUCKING QUEEN. Christ, do a movie about the band Queen. Anything.
The Tango & Cash Award for Inauspicious PairingsGone Baby Gone - Oct 19, 2007
Casey Affleck stars and Ben Affleck directs in this Boston crime drama. Do you feel that pounding in your chest? That's a heart palpitation. Try not to let the excitement overwhelm you. On the plus side, there is no possible way this movie could actually be worse than my imagination.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
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