Musgrave Global Solutions is pleased to begin this FY2009 report with the welcome news that we have entered a seventh consecutive fiscal year of record growth for our disposable diaper products. Accelerating to 2.7% year-over-year growth, Global Diaper Interests represents our sixteenth most profitable concern after Viral Warfare and before Clone Organ Harvesting.
The human drive to reproduce and the human drive to exert as little effort as possible interact synergistically to create unparalleled opportunity for growth. Disposable diapers are proofed against recession. Manufacturing costs are kept low by the continued availability of diaper-grade resources. Real opportunities exist for the exploitation of untapped markets.
Nine Musgrave subsidiaries, as well as their subsidiaries, are directly engaged in the development, production, and sales of diaper products. All divisions of Musgrave, from Industrial Handling Unlimited to iGreen Renewables, are 100% committed to providing support and infrastructure for the continued growth of our Disposable Diaper division.
In FY2009 Musgrave exceeded Procter & Gamble's diaper sales by 26%, Bristol Myers Squibb by 39%, and we have a $17 billion capital advantage over Lockheed-Martin's diaper division. We maintain four flagship lines produced by subsidiaries. Our Triphex Global subsidiary produces export versions and low-cost alternatives for mixed and down markets.
We are pleased to announce that FY2009 marks our highest level of market penetration to date. More than 99.3% of the world's population is able to enjoy the products of our Global Diaper Interests. This is an increase of 1.2% over last year and is due in part to outreach efforts in war-torn areas of the world, recent innovations in shipping to the Amazon rain forest, and robust online sales.
FLAGSHIP PRODUCT LINES FOR FY2009
Revenue of $26.8 Billion
Greenees guilt-free eco-diapers continue to be our fastest-growing line. Profits rose 4.2% thanks in part to the acquisition of Daihatso Hazardous Waste Recycling, which has turned thousands of tons of heavy metals and toxic chemical waste into reasonably safe diapers and also blocks of even more hazardous waste which we have placed in a completely unused portion of China.
For FY2010: Greenees plans to launch NatureShield reactive diaper liner in the first quarter. Greenees NatureShield Diapers are FiredegradableTM.
Revenue of $19.9 Billion
Peepers target the coveted young, single mother demographic with reasonably (but not too reasonably) priced and whimsically themed diapers for moms on the go. The most popular product in the line is the Peepers Silent Sitter, which includes a mild baby-friendly hypoallergenic sedative liner so moms can bring baby with them on a date or just rest assured that baby will be sleeping soundly at home.
For FY2010: We will continue to support faith-based sex education programs and lobby for the outlawing of abortion. All human baby lives are precious to Musgrave, but particularly those with mothers in the 18-24 demographic.
Revenue of $14.5 Billion
Qtables represents a stagnant legacy line remaining from the purchase of Hedron Amalgamated Squibb in 2001. Qtables are comparable to standard premium diapers. Qtables profits have grown, but they have grown much slower than our other flagship lines. Musgrave Media Products Division is planning a rebranding for next year.
For FY2010: Qtables will be rebranded with a hipper and edgier style targeted at new demographics. Our Media Products Division is currently developing two television reality shows and a viral-marketing ARG to promote diaper sales in the tween and teen market segments. Research suggests American teens are ready to poop and pee themselves and are just looking for an outlet. Qtables will be that outlet.
Revenue of $9.6 Billion
VEXTOR brand represents the cutting edge of diaper technology and marketing. VEXTOR diapers are diapers for the urban tech crowd. Popular VEXTOR products include the V-tec tactical diaper webbing, the V-unit hip-hop diaper, and VexRex diapers marketed for sexually promiscuous single babies. VEXTOR's rapidly-growing market share bodes well for the future.
For FY2010: A fourth quarter $2.4 billion partnership with Axe Body Spray will allow VEXTOR to install self-dispensing sachets of body spray into a new line of diapers. Urine and feces will trigger the sachet to release it payload directly onto a baby's taint. These concealing smells will allow babies to remain fresh and attractive to other babies for extended periods between changes.
EXPORT PRODUCT LINES
Musgrave Global Solutions, through its subisidiary Trihex Global, is ready to meet the challenges of the developing world. Despite the large size of our business we are nimble when reacting to changing demands in India, China, and the volatile African marketplace.
A recent deal with Congolian Warlord Xavier Montobo-Cese will allow Trihex to bring locally-produced and economically viable disposable diaper products to Central Africa. In exchange for these discounts Emperor Montobo-Cese is prepared to provide Musgrave Holistic Ore & Gas with exclusive access to the manganese-rich pyrolusite fields of the Congolian Wildlife Refuge.
We expect water shortages in parts of the developing world to continue to pose a problem for Trihex's very thirsty diaper manufacturing operations. However, Musgrave's backing should provide Trihex with the the buying power to outmaneuver all non-governmental bidders and secure first-use rights to most indigenous water sources. The CrudsmocksTM and SanipantsTM must flow to these impoverished areas of the world.
2010 promises to be the best year yet for Musgrave Global Solutions and Global Diaper Interests!
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.