I'll digress for a minute to describe my method. My genital sac isn't very sensitive. It's about as sensitive as my elbow, I guess. It does have one spot, on the left side of the end, where the skin is a little bit spongier and it has some feeling, and I'd noticed that I could get some level of excitement by prodding and rubbing that piece of skin. Even that bit wasn't very sensitive, though. It's about as sensitive as my chin, I guess. So I got an old toothbrush (sterilized in boiling water, I'm not filthy, don't worry) and set about brushing on that spot pretty vigorously. I was pressing pretty hard, and the "masturbation," if you could call it that, wound up taking like an hour and a half, so you'd better believe that spot was raw to the point of bleeding when I finished.

So, as for the finishing: after all this strenuous rubbing and horrible pain and intense pleasure, suddenly I felt something like in my sex dreams, sort of that whooshing, welling-up, about-to-explode feeling. So I went at it even harder, my genital sac all raw and purple, and I pushed through it to my first orgasm. It felt awesome for a second, and then I was left with this really bad, sharp pain on the inside bottom of my genital sac, between where my testicles are. I went to lie down for a bit to get my breathing under control and see if it would go away, but it kept getting steadily worse over the next hour or so, so I decided to go to the hospital and get it checked out just in case I ruptured something. I'm not sure how I drove, but I think I was probably cross-legged the whole time.

When the ER doctor finally saw me, he was pretty baffled by my apparatus, but he felt around and did the "does this hurt" thing for a while before pinpointing a part that he felt was kind of swollen. He actually brought in a few other doctors to try to figure out what to do, and I guess one of them had seen fused genitals before.

They told me that what was likely causing it was that I had ejaculated internally but the matter had nowhere to go, so it just kind of welled up between my testicle and the wall of the genital sac, and if I left it there, it would probably cause a massive infection and I'd lose the whole thing. To be honest, losing the thing didn't bother me much, but I didn't want it getting infected. They gave me a local anesthetic and shaved my genital sac (which was crazy- I'd forgotten how awful and lumpy it looks without hair, kind of like a huge scrotum full of marbles and big veins), and then got a scalpel and cut open the swollen part, and this huge wad of blood and prostate fluid spilled out.

A few weeks later I had a surgery to route my plumbing down there out another tube, because they were worried that if it happened again, or if I ejaculated in my sleep , it might cause an infection without me knowing. I've "masturbated" a few times since then, once a little while after the surgery to make sure it worked and another time because a girl I knew was really curious about how my stuff worked, so I went at it with the toothbrush again. She had to leave like one minute into it because she got really nauseous, but I decided to finish because I was pretty excited. But overall, orgasms just aren't my thing.

Thanks for reading. If you have any questions or want to share your experience with genital deformity, please email me at davidthorpe@somethingawful.com.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)

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