My parents weren't willing to apply the ointment themselves, because my genital sac has always freaked them out, but the doctor told them I shouldn't do it myself because I couldn't see the area too well and I was too young to do a proper job. They wound up finding a fake excuse to "go out" every night and hiring a babysitter to take care of me. Her name was Sarah, and she was about 16 or 17 (just a "big kid" to me, so I don't know the exact age) and kind of wholesomely pretty. They gave her some outrageous rate-- like $60-- and told her they'd be gone for like two hours to watch a movie. Right before they were about to leave, they told her "OH BY THE WAY, our son has a cut on his weewee and needs you to help him put on some disinfectant. BYE!"

She was still halfway through saying the word "WHAT?" when they closed the door. I was basically at the brink of tears, telling her "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," but she was like "it's okay, we'll get through this," but I could tell she was really uncomfortable (and this was BEFORE she saw my genital sac, which to anyone who didn't know what it was, would look like a horrible, tumorous, diseased thing). We watched TV and tried to put it off for as long as possible, but eventually it was like 10:00 and she knew my parents were coming home and she didn't want to get in trouble for not doing it, so we went into the bathroom. I told her "you won't like my thingie, it's not like a normal one," but she said "well, let's just have a look," so I sheepishly dropped trou.

She immediately, like IMMEDIATELY, burst into tears. So I started crying too, saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," but I guess she detected that I was just as scared and uncomfortable as I was, so she decided to just get the thing over with. She put the ointment on her hand, closed her eyes and turned her head away and just kind of felt around for my genital sac, and when she found it she just started smearing the stuff on it really quickly. I could see her shuddering, and it made me feel really bad, but at the same time I was feeling something that I'd never felt before, which was this amazing tingling and this sense that something really important and wonderful was happening. I drifted into reverie for a minute, and when I looked down I noticed that my genital sac had become much larger and turned kind of purple. I freaked out and jumped back, and I was like "OK, no more!" and pulled on my sweats and ran to bed. She came in soon after that to check on me and apologize for being scared of my genitals, and we had a long talk and I told her what was wrong with me and how it made me feel, and she hugged me and told me it was OK and I was "just as special as anyone," which sounds really corny but I'll always remember those words.

She babysat every night that week, until the ointment was gone, and after the first time she was much more comfortable putting it on, and I was much more comfortable letting her. And every time, I got that amazing, warm sensation. It felt kind of like love (not sexual love, but the love a kid feels for a parent) and kind of like something else, something I didn't know about. I still have dreams about that warm feeling, and if there's a heaven for me, it will just be her putting on that ointment 24 hours a day, with her warm, gentle hands. That sounds really creepy, but for a "deformed" kid, that was a once-in-a-lifetime feeling, and to this day I would consider it my only satisfying sexual experience.

I felt like we connected on a very deep level, and I'd like to look her up now but I don't even know her last name, or know what it would accomplish.

Part Two: The Orgasm


For most people, the height of sexual experience would involve an orgasm. I've had orgasms before, but the experience has never been pleasant. I was always told by doctors that I would never experience an orgasm like a normal man, and that people with fused genitals generally weren't capable of sexual climax. My doctor was pretty surprised when I told him about the "engorging" that occurs if I get excited, and he said that I probably have some vestigial penis material inside the genital sac. Nevertheless, there's not really any way for me to ejaculate; my urethra was surgically rerouted and my pee comes out a tube thingie at the base of my genital sac, but it's not hooked into any of my sexual plumbing ("if indeed I have any," said the doc).

I had my first orgasm when I was about 21 years old. I knew what orgasms felt like before that, because I'd had them in my "babysitter" dreams (usually resulting in me waking up in pretty bad pain). Like I said, I've never been too interested in sex, but when I was about to start college I had some vain misconception that girls were going to like me at school, so I'd better be prepared to be able to perform sexually on some level. Maybe with the lights out, I thought, they wouldn't think too hard about what kind of genitals I had. So one night I looked up some pornography on the internet (it was a video of a girl giving a guy oral sex in a car). I watched it a few times and touched the end of my genital sac for a while until it reached its engorged state, and it began to get pretty painful, but I kept on going anyway despite the pain. Eventually it started to feel really good, but at the same time it was just searing, vision-going-white pain. It's pretty tough to describe to anyone who doesn't know what I mean, but I told myself I would power through it just this once to see what it was like.

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