It's the most sought-after toy on the market, but is the NES Mini Classic acceptable for kids? Our experts emphatically say no. All 30 of the system's included games feature scenes that are completely inappropriate for children.
Balloon Fight depicts unsupervised experimentation with a dangerous substance (helium).
Bubble Bobble features dinosaurs listening to "cool" music and spitting on objects that do not belong to them.
Castlevania has multiple scenes portraying the senseless destruction of candles.
Castlevania II: Simon's Quest implies that on certain nights having a curse is desireable.
Donkey Kong irresponsibly presents buildings with uneven floors in clear violation of U.S. construction code.
Donkey Kong Jr. pushes a debunked liberal myth that gorillas can wear unitards.
Double Dragon II: The Revenge opens with one of the most shockingly brutal opening scenes in video game history, where the roman numeral II flies directly toward the viewer.
Dr. Mario depicts an overhand lob as a delivery method for life-saving medicine.
Excitebike features sequences of intensely erotic tire-wobbling.
Final Fantasy repeatedly renders a gloved hand poking various words as a pleasing sound effect fetishizes the carnal act.
Galaga encourages the misappropriation of military resources, using a state of the art fighter jet to target a handful of insects in a single garden.
Ghosts 'N Goblins, with no advance warning, depicts a man walking to the right side of the screen.
Gradius forces players to fight against "boss" characters, teaching them to rebel against authority figures.
Ice Climber blankets the screen in a suspicious white substance.
Kid Icarus features Eggplant Wizards which are completely fabricated, as any Eggplant Warlock historian will tell you.
Kirby's Adventure allows players to physically press buttons, stimulating actions to occur on screen which require more button presses, a perpetual loop of sensory porn.
Mario Bros. depicts scenes of intense sibling rivalry in a sewer.
Mega Man 2 shows a man with a motorcycle helmet repeatedly falling into a bottomless pit.
Metroid encourages children to stray from the car and somersault through doggie doors instead of waiting for help.
Ninja Gaiden presents a man who can grope walls without consequence.
Pac-Man asserts that the ghosts of our ancestors must be consumed before we can walk around our houses naked.
Punch-Out!! Featuring Mr. Dream depicts a square elevated canvas surrounded by ropes, enclosing three humans within its confines with no means of escape.
StarTropics portrays numerous round, curvy islands suggestively protruding from a wet and willing ocean.
Super C features protagonists who openly point guns in any direction, gravitate towards fascist imagery, and stare past the pain and suffering they contribute to with practiced indifference. This eerily accurate portrayal of life as a Trump voter in present-day America is too mature for young audiences.
Super Mario Bros. features a god-like figure who travels in a cloud and bombards the player with BDSM spikes.
Super Mario Bros. 2 glamorizes the practice of consuming levitating cherries, stems and all.
Super Mario Bros. 3 opens with red curtains and a checkerboard floor, an obvious sign that the game takes place in the decidedly mature setting of Twin Peaks.
Tecmo Bowl has numerous scenes in which human beings run into one another repeatedly.
The Legend of Zelda depicts a mountain as two bottom points and a peak. In other words, a triangle, one fifth of a pentagram. The game has hundreds of these mountain sprites, enough to lure a child into Satan's clutches ten times over.
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link replaces the boy from the first one with an elf who thrusts his sword downwards in a sexualized orgy of ultra-realistic violence.
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
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