Times are tough. Violence fills the airwaves. Wars stir on every horizon. Men, women, and children die and suffer every day. The sky fills with black choking clouds of smoke. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, ball lightning, wendigos, ill-timed rain, red ants, and many other natural disasters plague us. You wouldn't be surprised if the oceans turn to blood! There are just so many things wrong in the world today and you can't do anything about them other than wallow in despair. Well not anymore!

Arlogeist GmbH, manufacturers of Arlogeist Premium Vodka and the sole sponsors of the Arlogeist County Fair are pleased to bring you Calmuswellnazipan.

Do you sometimes wake up and think that the world is a seething mass of hatred waiting to drag you down and tear you slowly apart? Calmuswellnazipan may be for you, we suggest you ask your doctor about Calmuswellnazipan and whether or not it is right for you. It is right for you - whether or not it is - right for you.

Calmuswellnazipan can help. It can help release you from the stress of having to look at your illegitimate children, crawling in their own filth, in your squalid public funded housing. Did your baby daddy just beat you nearly unconscious? Try Calmuswellnazipan to put the pep back in your step and those worries will wash away as easily as the blood caked under your nose. Calmuswellnazipan does not mend bones or skin, but it does mend the fences that border the pasture of your mind. Before you know it you will be cruising gently on a relaxing river of confidence and serenity, completely oblivious to everything from the compound fracture you just sustained wandering into traffic to the botfly larvae emerging from your child's eyes.

Who is Calmuswellnazipan for?

Calmuswellnazipan isn't for everyone. Some people are just naturally 100% content with their lives and what is going on in the world. If you have even a slight doubt that your existence is not completely free of trouble, worry, or pain then Calmuswellnazipan can help you!

Jet Airplane Pilots - Flying jet aircraft is very hard and the demands of air traffic controllers can be stressful. If you are flying a passenger aircraft you have to worry about things like sick passengers and terrorist hijackers. Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Babies - Does your baby cry, seem listless, or otherwise dissatisfied by the lot life has handed him? He seems to have so much trouble lifting his head on the underdeveloped column of his neck, and that soft skull of his must be quite a worry. Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Christians - What is God's place for you? Did God make your wife cheat on you? Was that God who got you fired? Is he really merciful, or is he just a blind idiot creator, a personification of the primordial cosmic forces that gave birth to this existence? Calmuswellnazipan can help.

War Protestors - Babies are being blown up in Iraq for the oil. Bush is definitely Hitler. A village in Texas is missing its idiot. Do you really think chanting "hey hey, ho ho, George Bush has gotta go" is going to end war in Iraq? Maybe not, but Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Hollywood Super Stars - Tom Hanks just got twenty million for his last movie and you barely got half of that. The Academy really respect nuance anymore, they just like sucking up to big name stars so they'll appear at the awards ceremony. Why was Gene Hackman in Superman? They'll know you're gay if you break up with your supermodel girlfriend. Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Troubled Teens - You got drunk at the campgrounds and let Steven finger you while you pretended to be passed out, now the whole school knows. Does he love you? Will your mom buy you that cell phone or will you have to make increasingly direct suicide threats again? God, why won't people buy you stuff from your Amazon list?! Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Video Game Characters - Why does red key have to be on platforms in the middle of a lava river? What sadistic monster builds a dungeon and then locks an ogre in a 5x5 room with no furniture? Why can't you just die? Why does death only bring you back to where you were minutes earlier, facing the agony of yet another horrible demise? Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Faulknerian Retardates - Puppy so soft. Puppy make snapping sound, why puppy stop moving? What have you done now? Klem will not be happy, he will yell and hit you with the ax handle. Please move puppy. Please move little Ragsy! Please! AWWWWWWWWWW!!! Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Corrupt Corporate Executives - How did the government find out about this, you ordered all of those documents shredded! This is a disaster, it's not fair, it's just not fair! It was your company, how could you not do what you did? The ED-209 project cannot fail now! Your company is falling apart around you and the media is demonizing you. Maybe if you act insane you could just do some time at a wellness clinic in Aspen. Calmuswellnazipan can help.

Pets - Your 93 cats are starting to resort to cannibalism because you haven't fed them in over three weeks. Your neighbors just don't understand why you keep taking in strays and then letting them breed endlessly in your shit-encrusted basement. It's because you care! They don't mind the stink, so why should you? Calmuswellnazipan can help.

These are just examples of the people who can be helped by taking Calmuswellnazipan. There are many more. In fact, nearly everyone can be helped. Actually, everyone can be helped.

What Does Calmuswellnazipan Do?

We are forbidden by law from making specific claims about the effectiveness of Calmuswellnazipan, but we have spoken with Doctor Mephistopheles Gunhead, DNP. We asked him to run a number of science tests on our new drug and to explain in lay terms what its hypothetical effect might be and how it might work.

Calmuswellnazipan is an amazing drug. In your hand it looks just like a regular pill, but when you zoom in on a microscope it looks like a little city. You can see things, like the drug is putting up buildings and houses. This is how the drug works. It gives a home to your neurological problems and then your cerebral area starts to generate better. Then you look at a human brain. Here is one I have been soaking in liquid Calmuswellnazipan for 48 hours. As you can see it is much better than a regular brain. Everything is improved. The size, the shape, the luster, the flavor, and even the aroma is all much brainier.

This is because Arlogeist GmbH has taken into account all of the brain when making their new drugs. Most drugs only take into account part of the brain. Aspirin? Just the left hemisphere. Tylenol? Only the middle part. Heroin? Well, most of the brain, but there are some spots here and there where it is missing out on the action. Calmuswellnazipan can address all brain problems because it attacks the entire brain and does this relentlessly. If you are having a brain attack or 'feeling' then Calmuswellnazipan can initiate a counter attack. If Prozac is a soldier then Calmuswellnazipan is a whole army of tanks that can shoot missiles and have airplanes with them helping out. Also the soldiers can get out of the tanks and address other problems so your brain is secured.

Please tell your physician that Calmuswellnazipan is right for you. If he is reluctant to prescribe it then tell him that he should probably take it also. If he still refuses then we can pay him a visit. Just call 1-888-ARLGEIST.

Some people who take Calmuswellnazipan have experienced mild side effects such as headaches, nausea, internal bleeding, deskullination, spontaneous combustion, skin liquefaction, road rage, bone spikeitis, heat vision, cardiac arrest, botulism, alien abduction, rape fantasies, a fear of drowning, septic shock, social conservative values, increased blood density, weight loss, height loss, specific gravity gain, terminal conjunctivitis, exponential tooth growth, hair infection, torso cancer, acute light sensitivity, farmer's tan, inability to spell Mississippi, mononucleosis, multiple sclerosis, color blindness, time travel, and merkin addiction. In clinical lab trials side effects were similar to that of a sugar pill taken with a glass of radioactive isotope.

Women who are breastfeeding should not do that in public unless they are attractive, then they can do it and moan while they are doing it, which is hot. Calmuswellnazipan has been known to cause a specific type of birth defect, so women who are pregnant can still take the drug, but their baby is probably going to end up with snake arms. People with kidney problems should not take this drug because they are not allowed because they aren't cool enough. Arlogeist may also know where you can get rock bottom prices on ©iális and v1.4gr4, so don't hesitate to contact us.

The Virtual Poodle Experience

Ominous and foreboding titles aside, there is a brand new Photoshop Phriday online (on the internet) for you to look at. This week we return to the topic of "Magazine Mayhem," which we last touched upon over a year ago. The Something Awful Forum Goons acted as busy bees, and so I ended up having too many images for one Phriday. Thusly, this is the first of a two part series exploring what happens when you ask Internet winners to make magazines. It goes something like this:

By clicking here you agree that you are clicking here.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.