Here at Something Awful we like to joke around, but we also know that drugs are no laughing matter. Every year thousands of confused youngsters spend their money at street corners and opium dens around the country, and we think that’s a darn crying shame. When you’re wasting all your cash on illegal drugs you have less funds for cooler, more legal things, like an SA forums account or a T-shirt that just says “RAP” on it. Drug money lubricates the gears that run the engine that supports terrorism, and the only thing worst than a drug addict is a terrorist drug addict. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Cheech.
As this comic shows, we are serious in our fight tomake moneystop terror. In order to combat the drug epidemic we have created a little guy named Ace W. High, a sassy, streetwise young man who shuns drugs and instead chooses to use Recreational Household Products (RHPs). Ace understands that there’s no need for weed when your house is a veritable cornucopia of cheap, legal highs. Heroin? Blah. Give Ace a can of turpentine and a rubber hose and he’ll put any hard-partying frat boy to shame. Who would you rather support, a crazy man with bed linens on his head or the American household chemical industry? Guess what, buddy: if you chose the former you might want to catch the next flight back to Abu Dhabi or you may wind up with a pair of Safe-T-Scissors buried in your forehead, too.
Because we care about educating the thousands of children who read SA every day, we have compiled a list of easy-to-find RHPs, their effects, and even potential problems they could cause. We hope you kids take our message as seriously as we do – we want you off the street and under the sink, where the cool kids belong! Now, drop the bong and grab a Sharpie: Ace is here to take you on a tour of RHPs you can find right under your nose!
MarkersWhat’s the deal? Markers are an awesome way to express yourself as an artist, as well as a hip RHP kid who says “no” to illegal drugs. Why waste your milk money on other buzzes when the best high your mom’s money can buy is right there in your artbox? Just make sure the package says “permanent” or “magic” on the front (Rockin’ Mnemonic Device: You’ll have a permanent good feeling after a magical trip through the world of markers), and pretty soon you’ll be flying through an ink-stained world on a little black spaceship that totally could. That’s the tubular truth, brosef!
Where can I find it? Cabinets, artboxes, and cool kids’ nostrils.
What will happen? Markers make your head feel like a great big birthday balloon! Put one under your nose and soon you’ll be flying high like a bird, except you won’t be a bird: you’ll be a cool, responsible kid who knows the RHP low-down. And if you speak two languages markers often make you speak them at the same time for years at a stretch! How wicked is that?
Watch your back! Some adults just aren’t with it. If they see a blue-faced kid with a strip of ink under his nose, they might think Hitler has come back from the grave! If you’re going to “Do the Mark”, be sure to wear a shirt that explains you’re totally not Hitler – chances are you’ll be too busy laughing at cracks in the sidewalk to explain for yourself!
For big kids only: Breathing it in just not doing the trick anymore? Many markers come with sharp points for precise drawing. If you really want to feel like a rock star just jam one in the soft patch of skin between your elbow and forearm. You’ll be a regular Kid Cobain!
Ace W. High Sez: “Huff-a-doodle-doo! This Sharpie’s for you!”
Spray paintWhat’s the deal? Spray paint (or “fun in a kizz-an”, as we like to call it), is a colorful reminder that fun can be hiding anywhere. Even in grandpa’s shed! Why taint your veins with drugs when you could be painting them a number of awesome colors, like candy apple red or John Deere green? The sky’s the limit with spray paint, and that’s incidentally where you’ll be going after sucking down a can or two!
Where can I find it? Sheds, hardware stores, and that scary alley where the people with no inside voices play dice all day.
What will happen? If you want to inject your brain with colorful fun, simply take a can of spraypaint, hold it to your nose, and press down. If you listen hard, sometimes the colors will talk to you. Maybe they’ll tell you where dad hides his pistol! Who’s the coolest kid in school? The one with a ring of paint around his mouth and a wicked cool six-shooter in his backpack, that’s who!
Watch your back! Remember that using spraypaint on things that aren’t yours is illegal. If a cop comes along and tries to kill your buzz, drop the can and tell him this: “I’m tagging my turf, and my turf is my nose, muthafacko.” If the cop doesn’t give you a high-five call the police station and tell them he is trying to molest you.
For big kids only: The small plastic ball in the can, used to agitate the paint, is like an adventure pill! Some people might tell you to cut the can open, but that can result in an explosion from the sudden release of aerosol. If you really want to ride the paint wave, open wide and swallow the whole can! You’ll be like a snake with a magical watch. What time does that watch point to? Party time!
Ace W. High Sez: “Druggies end up / With tags on their toes / If you don’t want to die / Graffiti your nose”
NutmegWhat’s the deal? Who says cooking can’t be fun? No, we’re not talking about food here: your dining room has everything you need to fry your little brain like an egg. A gnarly egg. If variety is the spice of life, nutmeg is the spice of your central nervous system! Smoke all the weed you want, stoners – if you need us, we’ll be rolling around the kitchen floor, picking imaginary ants off our Digimon shirts. Ants on skateboards.
Where can I find it? Mom’s spice rack, the grocery, and floating in the air (but only if you’re having a radical time)!
What will happen? Imagine nutmeg smoke as millions of tiny extreme motocross bikers running the most extreme course ever – your body. When you inhale them the bikers take a killer dive down your throat and into your lungs, which disperse them throughout your blood stream. After a race which everyone wins for being radical, they take a break in your brain and shout the goofiest things you’ve ever heard! Maybe they’ll tell you to get under the sink and invite their ah-mee-gos bleach and ammonia to the rager in your skull. Maybe they’ll tell you to go out and taunt the neighbor’s dog until it bites you in the neck, giving you a double-wicked buzz. Maybe they’ll scream so loud you can’t hear anything else! Who needs mom and pop and their “hospitals” when you have a bunch of kickin’ rad motocross bikers giving you the D-L? Whatever they say, though, you’d better listen to them – those dudes know how to pah-tay.
Watch your back! If mom and dad pay attention they might notice the spice rack’s supplies running a little low. To avoid the big bust replace the nutmeg you smoke with dirt from your yard. Just be sure not to get confused not to smoke the dirt! Sure, it might make mom’s grody meatloaf taste better, but smoking dirt is always a bad idea: you want to crush it up into fine particles and snort it with a krazy straw.
For big kids only: Want to spread the word? Library programs all over the state have weekend show and tell programs. Load up on nutmeg and show it off to your fellow kool kids – right after smoking some yourself! Who would you rather listen to, a boring, normal kid, or a tweaked-out awesomesaurus dodging spaceships and laser beams while showing off his HRP of choice?
Ace W. High sez: “You’re a nut if you don’t smoke the ‘meg!”
Cough SyrupWhat’s the deal? Yee-haw! Cough syrup is a thick, brown, nasty-tasting sludge, but don’t be hatin’ – slam it like a Capri Sun and you’ll swear you’ve really turn into a big liquid metal blob, complete with the spec-tubular feeling of total immobility! Watch out, gardeners: this slug doesn’t want your prized tomato plants, it wants the contents of your medicine cabinets!
Where can I find it? The fridge, the bathroom vanity, and sometimes in grandma’s purse, but be careful – there could be a year-old peppermint or two floating around in there!
What will happen? Ever wanted to feel like a lead-filled rhinoceros pulling a boulder up a snowy hill? If you haven’t, you’re missing out! Cough syrup will take you on a slow-moving boat through the gnarliest parts of your psyche and bring you back as a whole new person. A person who doesn’t cough. Why? You’ll be too cool for the sniffles. When you’ve stared down the devil in a vat full of coagulated deer blood, you’ll savor every grape-and-metal-scented breath like it’s your last.
Watch your back! Make sure that brown bottle in the cabinet isn’t ipecac. There’s nothing cool about vomiting so hard your heart comes out your nose!
For big kids only! Remember: if grandma has an insulin needle and your dad has an oil funnel, you can make a killer hypodermic syrup-bong and inject your ticket to the astral plane right into your eyeball. Yarr! We got a hard-trippin’ pirate on our hands here, comrades! Check out that eye patch!
Ace W. High sez: “DXM makes you feel like your lungs are on the ceiling! Don’t forget to breathe!”
MothballsWhat’s the deal? Mothballs are funny because they smell like your grandma’s house, taste like a horse apple, and tickle your brain like a feather made out of lightning. This article even says they make scales show up on your skin! Remember, kids: crack turns you into an addict. Mothballs turn you into a dragon!
Where can I find it? Broom closets, pockets of old coats, and candy dishes (once you hide a few in there... your family will laugh for days)!
What will happen? Besides turning you into a moth-killing dragon with partying on his mind, mothballs do a bunch of other great stuff. Just put a few in a bag, breathe out of it for ten minutes, and watch as the world around you swirls and smudges into a blurry yellow soup! It’s hard to take mean old Mrs. Riley seriously when she looks like a birthday clown with maggots crawling out of her eyes! Let Ace tell you something, kids: doctors might say your brain needs oxygen, but a little deprivation is nothing in the face of good ol’ fashioned fun!
Watch your back! If you’re huffing or eating moth balls, be sure not to kiss grandma – her heart might not be able to handle the fumes, and old ladies definitely can’t handle the secrets of the universe. There’s no buzzkill quite like an old woman speaking in tongues and bleeding out of her eyes!
For big kids only: Shove a mothball up each nostril and take the party with you wherever you go!
Ace W. High sez: “We be ballin’ / But not like thugs / Winners use mothballs / Instead of drugs”
With these lessons in mind you’re sure to have fun without spending a dime! Or getting shot by a crack addict! You’ll regret getting that dimebag when you’re walking out of the projects with a fist-sized hole in your entrails. There’s nothing cool about internal bleeding, kids, no matter what the people on MTV might say. Keep it safe, keep it legal, and always remember...
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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