Pres. Clinton defends wife as "change agent" (S&B)

"After close to 15 minutes of talking about problems faced by the world, Weber finally got his second wish as Pres. Clinton began making the case for why his wife should be elected president. Speaking without notes, Pres. Clinton argued that Sen. Clinton is a 'change agent' with examples from her life from before the two married to the present day."

William Jefferson Clinton has enormous balls filled with other people's huge balls to get up on a stage and claim that his cackling wife is a "change agent." Change what? Does he mean like when I press that button on my remote that changes the channel back to the last channel I was watching?

I am 29 years old. I'm not some old man by political standards, but I'm not some young whippersnapper either. I have voted in three presidential elections. In my lifetime there have been two presidents that have not been a Clinton or a Bush. I was too young to remember Jimmy Carter and I only vaguely remember the last few years of Reagan. Here is a graph that explains the breakdown of presidents in my lifetime.

As you can see from the chart, when Bill Clinton says his wife is a "change agent" he is clearly just a little bit full of horse shit. Like about 100 percent. A sunburned Pac-Man also seems to be in the process of dying, but that's irrelevant.

America is praying that there won't be another four or eight years of these same people. Democrats, it is your duty to vote for Obama, or Edwards, or Biden, or Kucinich. Anybody! Vote for that crazy old man Gravel so he can chase kids off the White House lawn. Vote for your best friend. Vote for Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's. Vote for a cartoon hot dog. Anybody else.

Hillary Clinton is not an agent of change. She's not some powerful figure like President Toughmilf from Battlestar Galactica.

All this talk about a woman president is wonderful. Ladies, us guys understand, we want that just like we want a dog president, but we don't try to elect the first dog that runs for president. We're waiting for the right dog. Some sort of 35 year old talking dog. I think we can wait for the right woman. A woman without the last name of Clinton.

If Democrats fail and Hillary Clinton ends up as the nominee, then I implore America to vote for the Republican. I don't even care at this point if his politics suck, I just can't take these two families anymore.

I have this horrible feeling that if Clinton gets back into the White House for eight years American politics are going to turn into a really long and boring version of Romeo & Juliet. The sort of version that ends up with Chelsea Clinton running off to Kennebunkport to secretly marry some forgotten Bush cousin with twelve fingers and then they'll have a baby and it will be the Kwisatz Haderach that outlaws abortion and legalizes gay marriage on the same day.

Thanks, but no thanks! I don't even mean that first "thanks." I only mean "no thanks."

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    We Are Ready to Announce That Grimace is Human

    It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.