Thank you for coming to the Beijing Olympic Games. To help you fully enjoy the closing ceremony, we have provided a basic diagram to help guide your eye around the complex display of Chinese power.
Perched high above the rest of the celebration is the golden throne, occupied by the Olympic King, Bob Costas. You can identify his power by the headdress made of a slaughtered panda. Through the use of ancient Chinese black magic, Costas has assembled an army 10,000 strong. Unfortunately, the soldiers are made of terracotta. Regardless of his military might, Costas has promised peace to the Chinese in return for their attention. For this reason alone, the Evil Emperor is allowed to talk uninterrupted for hours on end.
The height allows King Costas to look down on the minions while spewing hour after hour of unnecessary, off topic soliloquies. Be sure to listen for his opinions regarding the purpose of the Olympics.
Yes. Finally there will be peace. One of the surprises of the 2008 Olympic games, the Chinese Government has decided to bury the hatchet--into the gooey abdomen of all Tibetans. All the whiny, skinny mountain babies are to be destroyed once and for all. The slaughter shall take place at the feet of the throne tower for King Costas's amusement. Rain shields shall be provided for surrounding seats.
All Chinese athletes are expected to win gold. Those who did not are disappointments to the people and the loser genes must be destroyed. All who did not reach gold are to meet here promptly at the beginning of the ceremony. Their arms are to be bound and their medals are to be heated in a great fire before placed back on their bare chests. Defeat is not allowed. The screams of failure shall fill the air!
The loud screams are music to the Fuwa, as all the adorable creatures dance for the king in splendid rings and conga lines. Except Jing Jing, for he is to execute all failed Chinese Olympians. So Cute!!
All Chinese athletes that proved their greatness in the games are to mate immediately. This guarantees future Chinese success. The tall with the strong, the fast with the nimble. If the gymnasts are properly inseminated, the next generation will be ready to perform in the 2016 games at the perfect age of eight. Confiscated Michael Phelps semen is to be administered to all women.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.