Camelot Slash: Love is a Garden, submitted by Voltaire. Gay fan fiction of Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter is nothing new. Actually it's so common now that I think it surpassed pornography and free lobster offers as the most frequent content being viewed on the Internet at the moment. But there is a new fetish out there that is breathing new life into this tired genre. It's called MPREG and stands for male pregnancy fetish, like the movie Junior. These guys probably masturbated to that movie over a thousand times. Gross!
Legolas offered him a single nod in acknowledgement of his dilemma. An elf as long-lived and wise as Celeborn would never wish to speak in haste, or to utter rash words -- and for him a single matter of emphasis might seem portentous.
"The Ranger Strider -- known to us as Aragorn -- is with child," Celeborn said, voice solemn. "The child he carries is yours."
Legolas leapt to his feet, momentarily overcome. He bit his lip, just managing to avoid an outburst as he stared at Celeborn.
Celeborn placed a gentle hand on Legolas' shoulder. "I suspected you had no clue of his condition." He pressed Legolas down and sat beside him. They continued their steady gaze, eyes locked.
"This pregnancy cannot follow him as he leaves Lothlorien. There is too much peril facing him -- facing each of you."
"What are you saying?" It was an effort to keep his voice from becoming strident. "How can it not 'follow' him? Surely the pregnancy is not that far along. The child must have been conceived in Rivendell -- which means..."
"Do you know the date of conception?" Celeborn gently interrupted. "It would be a help to me."
"The end of October, one of the days just after the Council of Elrond," Legolas replied, fighting to govern the blush that rose to his face. Though he knew there was no cause for embarrassment, he found it difficult to continue to meet Celeborn's eyes.
"That would make the child inside him less than three months along."
So yeah, this MPREG thing is really taking off with the slash fiction people. I guess they are getting bored of writing about Frodo fisting Pippen and need something a little more deviant. The reason you'll never see us trying to come up with Internet sexual fetishes for an update is that these people will come up with way more fucked up things than we can possibly imagine. Truth is stranger than fan fiction.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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