It's Almost Here!!!!
Big Prize Week is so close I can almost smell it, and I couldn't be more excited about the fun games, prizes, and interactive contests we are going to be offering. Starting Sunday there is going to be a dramatic change here at Something Awful and I feel sure that you will all agree it's for the better!
I know that yesterday Lowtax gave me a lot of the credit for developing the concept of Big Prize Week, but I strongly feel that the thanks belong entirely to him. Rich is an inspiration for myself and the other writers here at Something Awful and without him we would have never come together and created something as totally fantastic as Big Prize Week. I mean sure, we are all probably smarter than him, and definitely better looking, but he has so many contacts in the industry that have helped out with putting this together. Everyone from nVidia to Microsoft's Team X-box has been in on this from the ground floor and we owe that much to Rich's incredible skill at making people not hate him. Extra special thanks go out to the folks at Rockstar Games and Bethesda Softworks for adding that extra special kick off that is going to make our launch of Big Prize Week so exciting on Sunday.
So enjoy the article today and tomorrow, because they are just a drum roll for the intensity of the coming week.
Fuck you Wedge Robot.I'm generally a pretty calm guy. I don't simply ignore the things that piss me off. Day in and day out I absorb all of them and lock them away in my head for future use. Then after a few months of this I have some sort of cathartic rage fit where I just explode with anger at every single one of these things that have been festering in the back of my brain. Examples of these time capsules of anger are annoying trends, being cut off on the interstate by a woman talking on her cell phone, or just irritating groups of people. Yesterday was my day to open the box labeled "HATRED", and since it felt so good to get it out of my system I thought I might share. If you'd like you can share what you hate with me. It's always good to commiserate with a fellow "silent sufferer".
Thanks to how often I see the shows on TV one of the first things that pops into my mind that I hate are fighting robot TV shows. There's a guy who built and competed in Battlebots on our Forums and I mean him no offense, but mother fucking CHRIST I hate that shit. It's so boring, it's always just a robot getting pushed into a saw and sparking a little bit and then turned over or something. You know what's more exciting than watching wedge robots slowly fight? Watching ANYTHING ELSE fight. Ants, babies, slugs, anything is more action packed then watching two wedges try to flip each other over. Even turtles BITE and CLAW, put them on the air!
All that would be tolerable if somehow, some way, the slack jawed masses hadn't voted with their molten minds that wedges ramming each other at 5mph was GOOD and should be WATCHED. God Bless Comedy Central for canceling Battlebots. The only thing funny about it was that the execs at Comedy Central thought a fucking show about robots fighting is funny. CURSE and POX upon TLC and TechTV for continuing with robot fighting shows. I think this trend might be thankfully nearing its conclusion but my god I hate the robot shows worse than anything else on TV. Seriously, even shows like Big Brother and Real World had their moments of excitement and entertainment, they couldn't even piece together enough exciting footage from Battle Bots to make a decent promo for it.
"HEAVYWEIGHT CONTENDER WEDGEINATOR GOES HEAD TO HEAD WITH FLIPOCUTIONER!!!"
(Insert footage of two 50lb wedges with arms trying to flip each other)
LET ME IN THERE I WILL FLIP BOTH OF THOSE BITCHES IN TEN SECONDS.Fuck you Art Mann.Holy fucking shit do I hate the TV channel "E!" It was never a bastion of quality seeing as how it was, to me at least, "The Channel With Talk Soup". Now even that has been degraded into worthlessness as talk shows have become increasingly unfunny and both of their good hosts left. Now "E!" is a PG-13 jack off festival at night with non-stop "WILD ON" followed by paid advertising for "Girls Gone Wild". They might as well just fucking combine their vapid and worthless shows into one mega show of censored breasts and drunk college girls awkwardly making out for the camera. Then during the day you'll get "E! News" with contemptibly smug hosts like that fucking faggot Steve Kemetko. I want to push him into a spike filled hole just so I can see the look on his face when he realizes his arterial blood stained his new turtleneck sweater. And their chirpy fucking women with their spray-painted smiles always accompanied by a doofus sidekick like Art Mann or whatever the fuck his stupid name is just so you can think "hey yeah, mongoloids can get WILD ON and meet celebrities too".
In fact don't just fuck "E!", go ahead and include the whole culture of celebrity watching. From those inane reports on Prince William, to Larry King's automatic ass-licking interviews on his farce of a show, to anything written about a movie star that doesn't include the words "coming soon to theaters". I don't even want to know when they die, just bury them and maybe flash a picture on the news. I don't need a week of memorials when a news caster collapses from a heart attack or some Oscar winner chokes to death on her own vomit.
I hate economic analysts. You know, the ones that have been coming on TV for the past two years or so saying "we're entering a recovery phase" and then the next month the numbers come in and everything is worse. They can blow their starched sunshine up asses every day but the fact that these people are being paid to be 100% wrong month after month and then are CONSULTED for their advice is galling. It's gotten so bad that when they come on TV now they laugh when they say "well the numbers suggest we are entering a recovery phase, but we've been wrong the last five times we said that..." SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ON HERE? Shut the fuck up you stupid cunt. It's your fault people are sitting there with pots on their heads across America month after month saying "the economy is getting better" and then disappearing into their crawlspaces when the unemployment figures roll in. I want some fucking honesty for once, from the analysts, the pundits, the politicians; I want someone to look me in the eye and tell me "I fucked everything up on that one, and it may be really bad for a while". No one - republican, democrat, moon alien - ever cops to what they did. And they're all followed by swarms of apologists.
Fuck you, uh, Niger Innis.In fact, fuck all TV analysts. I hate those idiotic jerks they trot out whenever they need an expert on something. Shooting spree? Here comes three guys who claim to be experts on spree killers. Naturally they don't actually know a fucking thing about the subject other than some paper they wrote that got rejected by the New Yorker. They're like the news equivalent of fucking monster generators in Gauntlet. CNN, Fox News, whoever just wheels them out and stories start spawning out of them. Where is fucking Blue Elf with a couple well-placed arrows when we need him? There is an even more vile breed than the TV analyst though; the TV media analyst. After the story is done and there's a brief moment where everyone realizes that the analysts were all wrong and even adding to the problem. That's when the networks wheel out the TV media analyst to ask the tough questions like "was it wrong for us to cover the story so much?". He'll show clips from two days ago where the TV analysts look retarded as ever, he'll have polls from people saying how much they hate the inflammatory media, and then at the end he'll look at the fucking camera and do a "makes ya think?" Yeah fucker, it makes me think, it makes me think about what a self-stroking jack fest this whole report was. Great, you realized it's a freakshow on there, but you're just going to cart out progressively more experts each time this shit goes down. Fuck them and especially fuck YOU.
Fuck this fake macho atmosphere of terror we live in. This is a fucking horrible country of cowards. Everyone is a fucking pussy sad sack sitting there on their couch whimpering while they let villainous whores like John fucking Ashcroft steer the ship wherever they want. Fucking dumbass terrorists. I remember right after 9-11 Bush came on the TV and managed to string together enough mispronounced words to spit out something to the effect that "we need to go about our lives or the terrorists have won". Guess what bitch?! THEY WON! We're fucking quaking in our boots and pissing in our pants over here. They make a couple buildings fall and we are jumping on our goddamn swords ready to ruin our economy, our freedom, and even our personal security just to keep the evil Arab fucking boogeyman from getting us. I remember when my "normal lives" didn't include terror alert announcements and deleting my cookies because I'm afraid the FBI has some crazy software sifting my mad filez.
Fuck you hardcore anime fans.Fuck hardcore anime fans and Japanophiles, fuck them hard. You know what, a little bit of that is fine. Good stuff comes from every culture and every country. There are great French, British, German, Japanese, Russian authors/filmmakers/artists. But the people who I reserve hatred for are the simpering idiots who consume the exact sort of cultural garbage from Japan that they turn up their nose to around here. You know what most of those anime shows are? THEY ARE JAPANESE "FRIENDS", "WINGS", and mother fucking "LOVE BOAT". You know what a faggot the cool and smart people in Japan think you are for obsessing over panty shots in SAUCER CATGIRL POLICE?! Here's a hint: GIGANTIC.
The Matrix. Oh the Matrix. Even though it nearly became self-parody with Reloaded it does nothing to dispel the fact that it has spawned one of the worst trends in filmmaking. Take an uninspired action sequence, ineptly combine with the Matrix's bullet time and freeze rotation effects, and voila MORE OF THE SAME STUPID SHIT. You know why that shit was cool? Because it made sense in the FUCKING CONTEXT of the movie. Which is exactly why it isn't cool to see some kid throw a football and then his mom catches it and BAM freeze frame and rotate and maybe have some water drops WOOOOAAAAAAAH. THAT IS AWESOME AND SUCH A HILARIOUS PARODY. THEY ARE GENIUSES.
Oh goddamn, I hate goth entertainment culture period. Fucking Neil Gaiman, I would slit his throat if I ever saw him on the street. I hear he's talented, hell I believe he is talented, but the legion of fans and the legacy he has created makes me wish nothing but hateful daggers thrust through his skull. And Vasquez isn't cool either, he was okay with Zim when he wasn't being too "WOW EDGY" but his fucking comics are the gayest thing to ever gay. I swear if I ever talk to some girl in a Death shirt at a comic shop again and she mentions Johnny the Homicidal Maniac I will literally transform into a hydrogen proto star and consume all goth culture until I collapse in on myself and form a brilliant shining star of anti-goth radiation.
Fuck unpunished criminal CEOs.My bleeding liberal heart pounds like an alien chest burster underneath my sternum when I see and read shit about corporate criminals. I would say they are the rats leaving the sinking ship with their insider trading and draconian profiteering that rapes the 401ks of hundreds of thousands of people and destroys the livelihood of all of their employees, but they are in control too. They are the captains bailing out of their ships right before they crash them into the iceberg they set sail for and then burning all of lifeboats on their way out. Again, in My America, CEOs would not just be held to the same standards as the everyman, they would be held to much higher standards because they are enjoying much greater benefits. If they fuck up they just ruined ten thousand people's lives, but these scum aren't just fucking up, they are willfully betraying everyone. And so far we haven't even seen the slap on the wrist we have come to expect from the pathetically beholden people who have always run our government. They aren't even trying to make it look like they care these days, they just say something about investigations and then feed the folder right into the shredder while Ken Lay heads off for three months in the Bahamas and snorts coke off the artificial cleavage of a thousand dollar an hour escort flown in fresh daily from Paris.
Don't get me started on the politics that hold up anyone with a paycheck with five or more zeros as a golden saint of America.
I know it's a hot button issue, so fuck SCENTED CANDLE STORES. Now I like candles as much as the next guy, which is to say not very much at all, but do we really have the need for entire stores devoted to candles? APPARENTLY SO! Since when I went to the mall to do Christmas shopping last year there were SIX MOTHERFUCKING CANDLE STORE IN THE MALL. One candle store had apparently grown so successful that it became able to open a second goddamn store in the SAME MALL. Not the same plaza, this fucking store was under the same roof. The next time I need apricot vanilla smoke in my apartment courtesy of Yankee Candle I will know that I can walk in at either end of the mall and get my goddamn candle. I mean seriously, is mall space that cheap that SIX CANDLE STORES can prosper?! And how do you judge a good candle store? Or do they all specialize, like one has fucking fruit scented candles and another one has candles with made up scents like "Harvest Moon Scent" and "Winter Breeze". I guess I will never mother fucking know because the odds of me setting foot in a store devoted entirely to candles are about the same odds as me getting rid of these giant centipedes we have here.
MAYBE YANKEE CANDLE THREE WILL HAVE A CENTIPEDE REPELLING CANDLE WHEN THEY OPEN IN 2005. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
Fuck you and get the fuck out of our schools you morons.Another little fun thing that burns me up is any time I hear about some group of whiney moronic creationists wanting to foist their made-up horseshit stupidity on the minds of school children. When I catch wind of this in the news or online I want to go on a murderous rampage through the Bible belt. If I ever had a teacher in high school, or even grade school, who tried to combine science with religion in some mumbo-jumbo, crock-pot of stupidity I wouldn't have just laughed them out of the fucking classroom; I would have STABBED them out of the fucking classroom. You know what, you have your mythology bitch, that's fine and I'm glad you can be happy being stupid but if you try to tell my kid about Jesus riding a dinosaur I will gouge out your heart with an 8,000 year old Sumerian spoon - you know one of the ones that predates life on earth according to you. FUCK THEM. They are all idiots worthy of sterilization at best and an industrialized program of enforced eugenics just to teach them that monitored evolution can even breed out their kind of stupid.
Speaking of sterilization, I think we need to do something about breeding when it comes to people who love a fucking consumer item so much that if the slightest negative thing is said about it they blow their top. One of my main interests is playing video games so I notice it in the world of gaming especially but it exists for every single thing that can be consumed, from sports cars to fudge cake. A good example of this not related to gaming is years ago I was at Best Buy and some dude was there with his friend shopping for surround sound. The friend tells the dude who is shopping "I have a Sony surround sound system and it's the best" and the other dude said something to the effect of "I like Aiwa better; I think their subwoofer units sound richer." Just some personal opinion type of thing, but the Sony advocate blows his fucking top and goes off on this huge long rant about Aiwa making substandard product, Sony having cutting edge shit. WHO FUCKING CARES?!
Fuck you Linux devotees.New flash people: You are not fucking wed to what you buy. When some dude doesn't think your Magnetbox is pretty you don't have to defend it like it's your wife and he just trod upon her honor. Take a few deep breaths, put down the dueling pistols, and realize that not everyone likes to spend their money the same way.
Which segues nicely into my next point: ELECTRONICS ELITISTS. Imagine the Sony guy from my scenario and then make his only goal in life to talk about how good Sony is. I hate the people who tell me AMD is better or Intel is better. I hate the people who tell me which video card is best and get mad when I'm happy with what I have. I hate the stupid fucking cocksuckers who tell me I need to buy 400 dollar headphones. You know what bitch, I'm not too worried about the cocksucking range of field when I'm playing a Tower Defense map on Warcraft or listening to MP3s while I write. If I wanted to spend four hundred dollars on headphones I would probably buy ten pairs of 40 dollar headphones just to spite you.
Joining them high on the list of those who will pay are Linux nerds. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY. I'm glad you find solace for the ravages of your lonely and hollow life in a fucking free operating system but if you tell me to install it I will break off your fingers and feed them down your throat with the latest distro of Redhat stuck to a plunger. I don't really care all that much about my operating system as long as it fucking works, you want to know why? It's the equivalent of a goddamn table. This is the surface I do my work on, and I don't need some weird Swiss ergonomic table that's at an angle because all of my cans of pop will slide off of it. I'm glad that you think using one of ten thousand different Linux versions gives you some moral high ground to speak down to me from, because fuck knows I might as well be sodomizing preschoolers by using Windows XP and I NEEDED TO KNOW THAT. Die in fire you hyperactive hot-headed dip shits.
Ugh. Fuck you and die.And while we're wrapping things up in the realm of technology I would be remiss if I didn't vent my overarching hostility for the drooling masses of "Internet Enabled Fetishists" out there. You know who you are you sick mother fuckers. You're the furries, the inflationists, the amputations fetishists, and the genital mutilation addicts. You are the people who would have lived a normal life before the Internet. Some of you might have had the first itch of your fetish but you would have suppressed it because you could never find anyone who shares your fetish and encourages you to blossom into a full grown sicko. But for many it isn't even just a pathetic counter culture enabler for their disgusting fetishes and lifestyles, it's flypaper for any lonely nerd who wants to belong to a clique. So they have to wear a panda suit with a cock-sheath, at least they feel accepted when some sweaty fifty year old man in a wolf costume has them clumsily bent over a couch. IT'S ALL GOOD BRO!
I reserve special disdain for the furries because they hover around every corner of the Internet like vile humping fur-coated flies and then rabidly defend their deviant behavior. God help the furries if I ever run into a real life group of them. I will shove their fucking giant reflective puppy dog eyes so far down their skulls that they will be puking up their own brains before they can form the words "hate crime". If I ever run for president it will be on the furry segregationist platform. If you have ever doodled an anthropomorphic character with visible realistic genitals then you will have your hands cut off and I will wear them around my neck as a fucking badge of office. I will have teams of scientists cloning your fuck-happy fox creatures just so I can loop footage on TV of them being vivisected and brutally executed.
Finally, a big "fuck you" goes out to my niggas who are camwhoring. I think every single person who owns a webcam, everyone, should take it and either smash it with a hammer or shove it right up their narcissistic anuses. They can cram it next to their Amazon wish lists full of annoying anime DVDs and Techno DJs that even God hasn't heard of, yet they somehow have ten albums. Yeah, I'll buy you the Love Hina boxed set when I see your web cam broadcasting an image of your decapitated head.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. I feel better already.
Collect all Phriday
Hello victims of another Zack-fueled soapbox demolition derby, it is I, Josh "Petticoat Junction" Boruff here to usher in the dawning of a new Phriday. This week the delightful chaps of the SA Forums put together their very own trading card sets. Some are hilarious, some are scary as all hell, and some are actually kind of cool. Here is what I like to call a preview:
I think it would probably be best if you just went ahead and looked, because otherwise we'll go out of business and we'll all fall on hard times. Then our wives, which most of us don't have, will have to get jobs and our kids will be without the vanity items they need to be popular. Also, Christmas will be ruined and we won't have enough money to for that surgery we all need. See what your lazy attitude has done?
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.