Space Nerd Declares His Winners
I have some confessing to do. The winners we announced in the SA vs. FARK Photoshop battle last Tuesday might not have been entirely on the level. Those entries were our top entries, but the ones sent in by FARK were ones that we hand picked from their entries. I thought they had a better chance of winning with those than what they actually picked, but it turns out that FARK disagreed. Space Nerd Wil Wheaton had an entirely different set of entries from FARK to review and despite the trouble he was having finding time to judge the contest, he managed to tear himself away from the deep fryer at Popeye's long enough to give me the results.
Zack and Drew,
This has been a lot of fun. I can't tell you the rush of power I felt, as I carefully weighed the various entries against each other.
Of course, I can't even draw a happy face with MS Paint, so who am I to judge? Oh, wait. I'm TVs Wil Wheaton, and you shall all bow down before me, and my capricious judgment of you! Kneel, worms!! Bwahahahaha!!!
The SA entries are listed first, followed by the FARK entries, followed, finally, by the top entries from both sites, and the overall winners.
Love you mean it,
Take him with a grain of salt folks. Him telling you to "kneel, worms!" is like that nerdy friend of yours in the fourth grade telling you that his dad is a lion trainer or jet fighter pilot. Without further ado, let the OFFICIAL judging continue!
Something Awful Finalists
Title: SpongeBob Tampon
Artist: Axe Maniac
Comments: This really didn't make me laugh, at all. Tampon jokes rank right up with fart and Polock jokes, for me. Real side-splitters in 5th grade, but I want something more for my laugh dollar now that I'm old and crotchety. However, the technical skill displayed here is stunning, and it more than makes up for the thin concept.
Zack's Comments: Space Nerd Wil Wheaton didn't laugh at this because he's afraid of girls and the "kooky juice" that comes out of their "naughty parts" once a "month". No, that's giving him too much credit, he's not even afraid of girls, he doesn't know what they are. He thinks they're sort of like Michael Jordan only with more hair and a beard. His girlfriend, wife, whatever, is really just an oil drum with a life sized poster of Michael Jordan pasted to it.
Title: Master P's Theatre
Comments: This is a nice play on words, and is more of a "thinking man's" entry. I could go on and on about how it really meets the criteria of shows that you'll never see on TV because the media is controlled by 5 white men, but I won't. The execution is very impressive to me, but it just didn't make me laugh, is all.
Zack's Comments: OH SHIT IT DIDN'T MAKE KING COMEDY LAUGH! That's some mighty fine judging Space Nerd, why don't you beam yourself to Spockulous and apply THAT logic to the ass of someone who respects you. Wait, I'm sorry, aren't you banned from Space Nerd/30 year old virgin conventions?
Title: The Gacy Bunch
Comments: A funny idea, but I'd have liked it better if we'd gotten to see Bobby and Peter under Gacy's house. The Photoshop execution was even better than Gacy's execution, which is nice.
Zack's Comments: Bobby and Peter under Gacy's house?! Beam some sense into your head Chewbacca, these aren't actual episodes of the show, they're STILL IMAGES. OH NO THEY TOOK A PICTURE OF YOU, THEY STOLE YOUR SOUL PROFESSOR TECHNOLOGY!!!
Comments: I really liked the "Anderson" angle here…but Loni Anderson is simply not a babe. Not ever. Not even on those WKRP re-runs, which, incidentally, is proof that everyone was high in the 70s. What this entry lacked in humor, it really made up for in Photoshop skill. It's CIA-and-NASA-faking-the-moon-landing good.
Zack's Comments: True Loni Anderson is no Michael Jordan with a beard, but you should consider yourself lucky if you get to drink the squeezed pus out of the gauze from her facelift bandages. Interesting side note, the black gent featured there is from the porno site Bang Bus and has become quite an icon of the SA Forums. Space Nerd Wil Wheaton, pornography is when people film a man and a woman having sex so that others can watch it for sexual gratification. Sex is similar to when you rub up against an oil drum and moan your mother's name.
Artist: Kloakin Device
Comments: This made me laugh out loud, and the layout is superb. The thing is, this is not beyond the realm of what FOX would do, so it doesn't really meet the "shows we'd never see" criteria. However, Kyla Cole is one hot porn star, and anyone who sneaks her into the contest gets extra points from me.
Zack's Comments: Oh you do know what porn is! What a shocking development. I can only assume Kyla Cole is one hot Michael Jordan wrapped cylinder.
Comments: I just didn't find this funny. I love the satire as much as the next guy, and have even been known to push an old woman in front of a bus to get the last copy of "The Onion"…but this just didn't do it for me. The skill is really great, though, and it would certainly never make it to television. And if we're talking about 'celebrity' tributes to FARK, the obvious choice is a real celebrity like Walken, not me. I mean, come on. Wil Wheaton? I hate that guy. He totally sucks.
Zack's Comments: Motherfucker, go watch Super Friends, come back, and get this joke. I'm sorry, that was mean, I forget that you spent your growing years dry humping Chewbacca on the set of Star Track.
Title: World's Most Erotic Police Videos
Comments: [Insert tasteless Albert Louima joke here]. Really, really great execution. It threatens my fragile manhood, though.
Zack's Comments: Twiggy from "Buck Rogers" would threaten your fragile manhood.
Title: Charlie In Charge
Artist: OMG McGee
Comments: I like two things about this: Willie Ames being handcuffed and held at gunpoint, and the friendly "fuck growing pains" tag. This meets the "never on TV" criteria quite easily, and the execution was brilliant. It looked exactly like something we would see in TV Guide. It also walks the fine line between obscure, Dennis Miller humor, and just plain silliness.
Zack's Comments: So you didn't get the goddamn Bizarro joke from Livestock's but you know the name of the actor who played Buddy on "Charles in Charge." Damn high rollah, aren't you late for your one-man show "An Evening on the Holodeck?"
Title: ALF King
Comments: "Hey Lisa, remember ALF? He's back, in Pog-Form" Milhouse
Any time you can work ALF into conversation, your sex life, or your feeble pan handling at off ramp attempts, I say go for it. I wish we had heard, just once, ALF say, "Hey! Willie! What's with this cat? I said I wanted some PUSSY! HA!". While I was really impressed with the execution of this, and it did make me laugh really, really hard, my laughter had more to do with some childhood memories of ALF (we bunked together in 'Nam), and less to do with the actual entry. It's very, very funny, but taking out Larry King and replacing him with ALF just didn't match up with the other entries. Let me be very clear: this entry made me laugh the hardest, and the execution was one of the best, hands down.
Zack's Comments: Wow, a Simpson's quote, I might as well not even try to be funny because you just launched comedy into the sun and caused hilarity flare ups that are disrupting cell phones world wide. Hey Lisa, remember Space Nerd Wil Wheaton? He's back, in self-effacing Internet micro-celebrity form.
Title: The Joy of Furries
Artist: The Yellow Yell
Comments: Ah, why is it that we feel compelled to pick on these poor, peaceful people? Because they're sick mother fuckers, that's why! Jesus fuck, you freaks! Just because that animal can't actually say "no", it doesn't mean "yes, please fuck me! I know that I'm a goat, but I need it from you, mister internet man!" I want a concerted goddamn effort to not come out of an up-tempo record, when I have to do a goddamn death dedication! Is Charlie here? Well, get him on the phone!
Zack's Comments: You hump an oil drum, would dropping the Philly Phanatic on it really make it more disgusting?
Title: This Old Hizzouse
Comments: This is one of those entries that is so simple, yet so very, very funny. The attention to detail is awesome, from the cap on Cube's head, to the "Biatch" in the tag.
Zack's Comments: Yeah, that cap on Ice Cube's head sure is a show stopper, and the "Biatch" in the tag!! Oh my, I thought white hipster pseudo-racist rap mockery went out of style in 1997, looks like I was WRONG!!!! It's funny because he's black and he's acting like white people!!!
Title: Whose Line is it Anyway?
Comments: I like the idea of taking a current show, and putting a "spin" on it, but, when judged against the other entries, this fell a bit short. The execution, while seamless, really didn't have the same depth as some of the other ones. Oh, and if you're wondering, it's Adam Rich's line, and you'd better stay out of the way, if you know what's good for you.
Zack's Comments: It's like someone took clipart and used the amazing type tool on it! What will FARK think of next? A drop shadow?! Well I never!!
Title: Let's Make a Meth Deal
Comments: Again, an entry which is simple, yet pretty funny. What's FARK's obsession with the drugs? Come on, people! You got to put that pipe down, or we ain't never gonna get to the promised land! Damn! The lettering is really well done, on par with "The Gacy Bunch", and I enjoyed the attention to details, like the 'new' 100-dollar bills in Monty's hand.
Zack's Comments: It's funny because DRUGS! Get it? DRUGS! Black people and drugs, wait, where are the fucking boobies?! There have to be some boobies entries! Maybe they will have Martin Luther King Jr. snorting coke off a hooker's tits.
Title: Temptation Ireland
Comments: FARK is really going for the subtle, chemical-dependency humor, aren't they? Being partially Irish, I can really identify with this, and the fact that it's a Guinness there isn't lost on me. Matter of fact, I've just spent the last 15 minutes trying to squeeze a pint out of my monitor, ya bastards!
Zack's Comments: Jesus Christ, just reread my comments above. This is pathetic.
Title: Antique Dildo
Comments: Like the SA entry "SpongeBob Tampon", this made me chuckle, but I felt that it was just a bit too "easy". I was really impressed by the execution, though. That dildo looks just like one we had at Grandma's when I was a kid. As if having to deal with Nazi's and TB wasn't enough, those poor people didn't have Astroglide, or even "WET" lubricant…yet they still managed to win 2..count em, TWO World Wars. God Bless America. Let's Roll.
Zack's Comments: I'm glad to see that finding a good photo of a dildo equates to excellent Photoshopping skills. OMG!! DID U C THAT AWESOME LOGO HE MADE?! THE BUNNY!!?!? INCREDIBLE!
Title: The Euthanasia Show
Comments: Wow. This really fucked up the curve. I don't know why it made me laugh so hard. Maybe it's because, in the three panels, we can really see old Missus Jenkins here debating, "Gun or pills? Hmm…Gun is quick, but messy…while pills are slow…but maybe I'd finally understand 'The Wall'…Oh! Maybe I'll just take the pills, then go out for a drive!"
Zack's Comments: Not surprisingly, Turkish migrated to the SA Forums to escape Drew Curtis Presents: Drew Curtis's Sexual Advances. We are legion.
Title: Smack your Bitch up
Concept: 8, but it's so very, very wrong.
Comments: You know, wife beating is no laughing matter. Unless you sometimes feel like a battered husband, Right Juice? She really had it comin' to her, and you really "stuck" it to her, didn't you! Way to go, man! I can see "Celebrity Smack Your Bitch Up", featuring the drummer from Def Leppard, Steve Garvey, and me, if my wife burns my fucking lasagna one more goddamned time.
Zack's Comments: Ohhhhh fuck, an OJ joke AND a Def Leppard joke, together at last! Did you know that the one armed drummer from Def Leppard bought a mannequin hand to cup his ballsack when he's jerking off? Jerking off is where you close your eyes and imagine the oil drum.
Title: Golden Girls Gone Wild
Comments: Now, I gave this a zero on the concept, because The Onion did a bit on "Guys Gone Wild", and this just feels too derivative, to me. On the other hand, though, this would certainly NEVER make it on television, and the technical skills (sKillxx0rz?) are very, very impressive, so it gets the big one zero for execution.
Zack's Comments: You make JeffK look smart.
Title: Painting Boobies
Comments: If there was a "most FARK-like" special mention, it would totally go to this one. Let me state, for the record, that I love boobies, and if you're a hot cam whore, you should mail your boobies to email@example.com, right now. With that out of the way, though, the painting style on the strangely Kabuki-faced woman is totally not representative of Bob Ross's "happy little trees" style, which is why I gave this a low execution score. The concept is great, though.
Zack's Comments: I find it deliciously amusing that the one you gave the lowest rating to was also the one you described as "most FARK-like".
Title: Reading Rainbow 6
Comments: "The Fate of the World is in Your Library" is awesome, and the title rolls nicely off the tongue. Go ahead, if you don't believe me. Say it out loud. Do it.
Come on, fucker! SAY IT!
Thank you. Aren't you glad that you did?
All of the individual parts that make up this entry are, I'd say, not very impressive on their own, but put them all together, and you have a powerhouse of comedy. Like the 80's Latin Super group "Menudo": Individually, they were just a bunch of kids, who wanted to use music to break down cultural and language barriers…but together, they were an international pop sensation, ripping the panties off teenage girls as they ripped their way up the Billboard charts. Too bad none of them ever made it big solo, except the gay one.
Zack's Comments: Oh Space Nerd, if only the government hadn't discontinued its project to sterilize the retarded, the world might have been robbed of your judging genius. This entry, while amusing, is one of the fucking worst Photoshop jobs I have ever seen, and I might point out, you rated it higher than any entry from Something Awful. I know your latent homosexual attraction to Levar Burton has blinded your judgement like a butterfly in the sky, but come on, my cat could do a better Photoshop job than this and it died 12 years ago.
The top entries from SA were:
Charlie in Charge
The top entries from FARK were:
Reading Rainbow 6
TIE: Temptation Ireland and This Old Hizzouse
Once I had those 6, I had a final, single-elimination, over the top rope battle-royal, and here's the winner, second and third place finishers:
Winner: Hulk Hogan
Second Place: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper
Third Place: The Junkyard Dog.
When the match was finished, I sat with the final Photoshop entries, and here's how they ended up:
Winner: Charlie in Charge
Second Place: Reading Rainbow 6
Third Place: Temptation Ireland
Congratulations to Something Awful Goon and absolute slut OMG McGee, whose excellent piece "Charlie in Charge" won the day. You will receive one month of advertising on both FARK and Something Awful!! I will point out now, with some regret, that biased moronic asshole judge and Space Nerd, Wil Wheaton, sought fit to award a total of 192 points to FARK and only 183 to Something Awful, making FARK the overall team winner. Congratulations FARKers, your lives of welfare checks, Dorito dinners and King Cobra cocktail hours are now briefly filled with joy once again thanks to the knowledge that the pseudo-celebrity you slavishly worship has given you all a pat on the back. Now you can go back to post comments about such deep and intellectual issues as boobies and the political impact of boobies on boobies because France Surrenders, doo dah, Fb- is not the father, boobies.
This contest was brought to you by Worth1000.com, where SA goons go to beat the shit out of FARKers in Photoshop contests EVERY DAY.
Rom Pit Ahoy!
The Rom Pit has been updated with a gripping review of "Gilligan's Island" for the NES. Check it out!!
In fact, the only variety of computer game that Gilligan's Island might inspire would be some sort of simulator. To be more precise, a hut building simulator. I can't even begin to describe the elation that I felt when I released all my dreams and aspirations in the field of hut building were going to come to fruition via a 128KB ROM file, but I may have said something along the lines of "Sweet Jesus!. All my dreams and aspirations in the field of hut building are finally coming to fruition via a 128KB ROM file!!!"
You better dive down to the bottom of this pit - HAW HAW - and read up on the latest NES review!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.