This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.

Our determination to monitor the stars knows no end! Our dedicated agents capture their every move, their every coo, their every mew and their every gentle discharge.

Snooki

Witnessed the shrimp-sized glamor fetus wrestling with a trucker in a Burger King ball pit. She was scrappy as a badger and not afraid to bite the gross trucker. I got out of there before things got any uglier.

Jared Leto

Saw Jared enter a vintage clothing shop, only nobody noticed so he left and then entered again more dramatically. Still nobody else saw, so after like four more times finally someone noticed and then he pretended to be more surprised than they were.

David Arquette

Saw Darq out of the corner of my eye. Couldn't verify for sure, because I was too busy scanning for coupons directly in front of me. After his antics, he's lucky to even get in my peripheral vision.

Oprah

Saw Oprah at posh Chicago 5-star attempting to devour self in terrifying recreation of ouroboros, so great and unrelenting is her self-love and narcissism.

Adrian Brody

This just in: the man who killed the predator is eating a tiny little baby's salad, barely able to fit the leafy greens in his mouth because of his big stupid nose. I bet he's going to choke to death on those little bitty croutons. Don't get any ranch dressing on your bib, baby. Predator was robbed.

Bosco Wong

The Hong Kong soap star/pop star is up to his old tricks with more shady behavior in the clubs. I counted at least three girls Bosco done Wong. So much for rehabbing his bad boy image. Same old Wong and dance from Bosco.

Mark Zuckerberg

saw the soc-net maven on a uni ave pita binge in pal alt. he had a weird way of eating food, seemingly vomiting digestive enzymes onto the food in front of him, then waiting until it melted into a soft paste before shoveling it in his maw... only after distending his jaw to accommodate the size of both of his hands. cuter than I expected.

Justin Bieber

Just spotted the gentle eunuch being carried in his sedan chair by a team of muscled porters while hundreds of thousands of teenage girls tore themselves to pieces in front of him. They ripped out hair, gouged eyeballs and mutilated themselves to death as the diva child looked on approvingly.

Katy Perry

Pop starlet was guest controlling at LAX. After two hours of intense directing from tower during one of the busiest stretches, she managed to land 95% of her planes. Amazingly sweet, and total grace under pressure.

Charlie Sheen

Wild man Charlie Sheen spotted doing bumps of coke, then using shrink-ray to turn microscopic and explore a prostitute's vagina using an equally microscopic submarine. How far will he go in pursuit of the ultimate high???

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

About this series

Keep up with all the latest celebrity sightings from New York to LA, and anywhere else the stars shine.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.