This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.
Hey it's your dear old pop here and dont bother asking how I am because I am about to tell you: I am a troubled terry about something from mine and your past I have been having the worst dreams for over a week and it may be possible that the spirit world is trying to tell me to come clean and let you in on what haunts my life day in and day out so please forgive me in advance. The truth is that your cat didnt run away to the zoo to be friends with the other animals...
It all started when you were in 7th grade and I was still in love with your mother.. which is trouble in itself!! Ha ha but I digest.. that's not the truly terrible part and you already know about most of the love we shared. The scene was home while you were away at summer camp and your mother and I were bored out of our gourds as normal trying to think of what to do so finally she said "Lets go to the Casino and Win Big!!" Now keep in mind that everyone loves a winner and it has been scientifically proven that people love to win so I could not say no. We put down what we were doing and went to the bank to begin our afternoon
Now let me start this part by saying that I am not a messy man normally but i am not sure who it was that left the food out. If it was me well god will have a special judgement fo rme but i can explain everything to him at the gates of heaven but the best thing would be if we could have a trial if they do that. "wise up god... and listen to the facts!!" lets get to the facts.
Your cat Checkers who was a beloved cat and a good cat got up onto the counter and ate a large amount of Country Crock butter. We had one of the large tubs that is about the size of a small pizza in diameter and 6-8 inches tall and it was almost full when we left it but when we got back there wasnt any usable butter left and the cat was collapsed and asleep in the crawlspace. when she saw us get home she came toward us and started meowing a lot we could tell she had eaten the butter because she was larger and her fur was greasy especially around her mouth and paws
We put garbage bags on our hands and picked up the cat and took her to the vet who said that her cat cholesterol was through the roof so bad that the cat was in physical pain. We tried to bargain with the doctor but it didnt work and we went home.
She was placed in her cat bed and we tried to nurse her back to health by feeding her eyedroppers full of water and cat food but she wasn't having it she just meowed and got fatter by the hour as her body processed more and more of the butter. her meow slowly changed more into a moan and then a wail and then when we got out of the room (beause it was scary) the cat started following us from room to room and moaning and wailing and getting fatter and more horrible. we were being chased around by this terrible cat sometimes to the point of having to hide in closets and listen for it going down the hallway patrolling the house looking for us and screaming.
after midnight we noticed that instead of walking down the stairs the cat would let itself fall down the stairs to get down after us and it was wheezing hard. it was about now that yyour mother felt that the cat was in too much pain and that we had to do the unthinkable. we waited until sun-up for the cat to fall asleep in the dining room and she grabbed it and we brought it to the garage.
Now before I tell you this I want you to please not judge me because this cat was going nuts and her arteries were showing through her fur and everything
Your mother firmly but gently placed the cat's fat head behind the tire of the old jeep and we decided that i should back over it. in one instant the cat was in the happiest place possible where it was no longer fat and scary. This action left a stain on the garage floor that we explained to you as a miscarriage. we said your mom was pregnant and she didn't know it until her hooty chamber burst open into a sea of blood and various tissues but that was a lie it was your cat.
Please i hope you can someday forgive me for my crimes against pets you have no idea the trouble I have been through the past few days I have been driving in a circle out in a field crying my eyes out and wailing much like the cat but more manly and with real human emotion. Please..... I beg of you!!!
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.