This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.
Listen up no time for pleasantries I am up to something big.. I am carboloading like a beast and you are likely asking why well all will become clear soon enough. it appears a challenge has been issued upon my life which is something i take seriously so naturally for the past 3.5 weeks i have been eating nothing but pasta roni and drinking pesto.. my body is much slipperier now but I am able to punch harder I think "At Last the hunter has become the hunted...." what i say every time i have a energy rush!
Speaking of being hunted I should tell you that in the attic there is a chest of my belongings that i would like you to have such as a mask that will make you look like your mother (to make her angry) and a notebook titled What I Will Do If I Ever Get A Helicopter please do not read most of that because i got side tracked after the first few pages and i just talk a lot in it about the sexy black women of the late 1970s (this was before your mother and she gets upset if she knows im reading it so if she catches you just give her the mask treatment)
Also in this trunk are some counter culture magazines from when I was younger. In my youth i knew several kids who were faster and more powerful than me and i noticed they read them sometimes even though they were often nothing more than a few pieces of paper stapled together with 1 or 2 article about how to catch a bat for use in spell casting and how to charm a cop or a coach with candles or what not. I do not need these any more
There is also a bug collection with several of the bugs missing DO NOT ASK ABOUT THE BUGS!!!! The rest are yours for the taking!!
In the chest is a modest remote control plane with a loudspeaker on it this is from a plan I had when our old neighbors weould give me a problem not putting their garbage cans back in and I was going to fly it over their house and yell at them through a plane until santas elves gave me stamps and an idea for christmas for writing letters to the editor to hundreds of newspapers and magazines about them which i also never did because airwolf premiered on the tv and satisfied my hunger for justice / terror from the sky / black women.
You will also find a lot of pictures of bulldogs with things written on them like "Pleasant!" and "Big Deal" i dont know what this was from
Many years ago when you were young I tried my hand at making posters that inspire workers and idea men and get them to do more work. I only shipped out one poster before we lost our hat on it. It was a picture of my face with my eyes open really big staring straight at the viewer that says Whats The Matter? it was supposed to make people realize that nothing is wrong and get going to do more work but a lot of people complained that their snack rooms felt like an unwelcome place. the remains of this are in the chest and you are welcome to try your hand at the fast paced unpredictible business of posters of your face
There are many other trinkets inside I hope you put them to good use meanwhile i will find the man who sullied my outdoors legacy now and forever more SO LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAD
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
What do you do when The Dark Knight himself pulls a boner?
Available in Large, which is actually a Medium stretched out to appear bigger.
If you're in a tight spot, this is going to be really helpful (I'M JOKING. I'M KIDDING AROUND)
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.