Your face lit up when I finally told you that I love you last week. To be honest, I just said it to see if it felt right. It didn't.
I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but there it is.
Living with you has worn me down to a shadow of my former self. I thought this would be a happy experience. Instead, I feel trapped. Every day the walls between this horrible apartment and the life that's passing me by seem to grow a little thicker.
I'm going away to figure some things out with Tom, the guy I told you about from the gym. I can't say when I'll be back, but I left a month's supply of peanut butter in the pantry. If you get thirsty, you can use your Mickey Mouse stool to reach the faucet.
As of our most recent system-wide tally, you officially have the highest Gamerscore on all of Xbox Live! You have played and beaten every single U.S. release, and even replayed dozens of international versions. Wow! That's some true dedication!
Keep up the great gaming,
The tests came back. There's no easy way to tell you this, but the results are exactly what I had dreaded. A very rare breed of termite has crawled into your nasal cavity (most likely while you slept), burrowed through the soft tissue beyond, and laid eggs in your cranium.
What can you expect?
In the coming weeks you will find yourself espousing the virtues of termites much more than usual. Should you encounter anyone that voices an opposing viewpoint on the matter, you will defend termites angrily. Within three months, you will most likely die.
There is, however reason to celebrate. You're in good hands. The lab that performed the tests has asked me to pass along the exciting news that, as their 10,000th customer, your workup was free of charge.
This is an automated message to confirm that your order (#00090129) has been processed and shipped. The contents of this package:
1 - xl "Epic Fail" Ironic Wolf shirt
1 - xl Philosophers W/ Mustaches shirt
1 - xm Dinosaur Jesus W/ Monocle & Top Hat shirt
1 - xl "This Shirt Isn't Very Funny Or Original, Neither Is Making Fun Of This Type Of Shirt" ironic shirt
1 - xl "When I Walk Backwards, This Reads 'Paul Is Dead, Kill Your Parents' " shirt
Thanks for the feedback!
Unfortunately, our show has been off the air for several years now. Even if we did return, our production company's long-standing policy precludes us from using fan-submitted ideas in future episodes.
Your script's numerous monologues denouncing the "fast-moving zombie agenda" were certainly unique and seemed well thought out!
Best of luck,
Writer, Avatar: The Last Airbender
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The Something Awful Forums Team
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We are further sorry (and somewhat surprised) to tell you that by requesting such an unusually long e-mail address is a violation of the Patriot Act. You are now subject to phone tapping, warrantless searches, abrupt nipple pinching, and EXTREMELY reduced access to the Active Nuclear Bomb Launch Console Visitor Center in Washington, D.C.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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