A Not So Surprising Development
Lowtax and I have been making fun of Scientology for quite some time, it's no secret that we think they're insane and dangerous morons who are like cash vampires for their lower members. Naturally it was only a matter of time before one of their media detection teams caught wind of what we were up to and sent us a hotly worded e-mail. A guy known mysteriously as "GST" e-mailed me about my article which compared the Taliban to Scientology. He wanted me to take it down because it was hateful and he whined about the fact that Scientology was helping the victims of the WTC attack put their lives back together - with "E Meters" of course. Naturally in my reply I showed him what hateful really means, because I hate Scientology. Here's an excerpt:
Take your dangerous pyramid scams elsewhere. If you've got a problem with me unleash your five thousand attack lawyers on me for exercising my First Amendment right to satirize your stupid religion. Maybe you can get the SWAT team on me like you did with that grandfather living in Canada because he dared to protest against you.
Or you could always send me cool holographic stickers of L. Ron Hubbard's face that will hypnotize me into shooting dollar bills out of my wallet into the gaping maw of Scientology. All you're doing in New York City is preying on the vulnerable. Go shit up a flagpole pisspope.
Never able to lose a fight to a couple of Internet humor writers GST apparently forwarded this message to the legal wolverines of Scientology. I say this because today Lowtax notified me that The Church of Scientology was initiating some sassy legal action against us. More specifically they had contacted our web host CAIS and essentially threatened to sue them for over a hundred thousand dollars unless we removed a copyrighted photo of L. Ron Hubbard from Something Awful. The photo in question was of L. Ronnykins in some stupid captain's hat looking wistfully out at the piles of money he's raped out of people's bank accounts or something. I chopped his head off and attached a rocket booster and replaced his eyes with the barrels of machineguns. I guess this wasn't enough to qualify as satire or art in the eyes of those soulless lawyer whores that suck steaming loads of cash from the money cock of Scientology.
We relented. Yes, we took the photograph down and replaced it with a high-art rendering of L. Ron Hubbard. It turns out that we were wrong. By unsheathing their mighty legal sword the not-at-all insane Church of Scientology has proven to us that they are in fact a benevolent religion. We've also decided to begin a campaign to show our support for the Church of Scientology, which really is looking out for the good of all mankind. What I propose is an amazing exhibit of artistry! I encourage all readers of Something Awful to try their hand at creating an exciting and uplifting work of art based on Scientology. Send it in and we'll probably publish it here, because Something Awful has discovered Something Wonderful, and that is the Church of Scientology and the life altering powers of Dianetics!
To kick off this amazing art tour I'll offer up a couple of beautiful pictures I've designed myself. I've asked a snooty art critic - who insisted on remaining anonymous for some unknown reason - to interpret and comment on each piece. I guess if you support Scientology you get sued or something, I don't know what's going on with that, stupid insane other religions I guess.
The first is entitled "Hubocalypse" and features the heroic L. Ron Hubbard surviving in the post apocalyptic hell world all of the other incorrect religions have created.
"Hubbard is painted as an aging but strong man in this tenderly done portrait. He is looking off into the distance as if he sees a better tomorrow, a rebuilt world, a future man reborn like the Phoenix from the ashes of Armageddon. The burning cross, consumed by the raging nuclear fire, represent the ultimate failure of the other religions, built on a foundation of hatred. The ruins of the building suggest that even the secular creations of man cannot survive, but Hubbard has and he plans to build the world anew. He is of course pictured wearing a baby bib for catching the blood that spills during his insatiable feasts on the mewling babies he so craves. During his lifetime it is estimated that L. Ron Hubbard ate almost six-thousand infants, and this important achievement is memorialized in the portrait. An excellent piece."
The second piece I have created is based on the work of German surrealists and it is entitled "Das Baby".
"The strong influences of artists such as Erzen and Kampfer are apparent in this work. The use of only three colors is indicative of clarity and single-mindedness. We see Hubbard pictured here in a reclining position, as though he is at ease. The baby is being dropped nonchalantly into his mouth, like a grape or Funyun. The blood spattered around his mouth sends a powerful message that L. Ron Hubbard is not concerned with what others think of him. He is completely secure with who he is and the slings of detractors will bounce harmlessly off his thick skin. The baby is almost impossible to make out. I thought long and hard about the meaning of this and came to the conclusion that the baby lacks the resolution of Hubbard because it is unimportant. It is nothing more than a snack to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for the blood of human young."
I am by no means a great artist, and I know many of you reading this are. Please, send in your work, just be sure not to trace a photograph because this is against the rules and Scientology will see the sue signal on the clouds and come running. In case you don't get the message: THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY IS THE BEST THING EVER. I like them so much I am going to have five hundred kids and give them all the first name Lronhubbard. Like George Foreman and his kids only not like that at all because L. Ron Hubbard was a great man and George Foreman just has a great grill.
The Adventures of Hubbardhead
To comemorate this fateful day at Something Awful, when we finally saw the light and decided to unleash the raw power of Dianetics on the world, I have created a comic based around the adventures of the floating severed head of L. Ron Hubbard. Thanks go to Lowtax for his incredible but completely legal likeness of the big guy.
Oh those wacky Scientologists! I call them wacky because I love them so much. Standing up for what's right and protecting us all from the evils of the Thetans!
After years of being misunderstood, I had hoped we finally had "our" story. I was wrong.
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
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