God-Awful Gaudy Club Shirt
The wearers of this shirt...
Are often 13, wear gold chains, and have a skin texture similar to Polish sausage
Use an elaborate network of sweat and body oils to generate forward movement
Can get a AAA rating on Sakura in DDR's Heavy mode with Sudden turned on even though NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK ANY OF THAT MEANS
Camouflage themselves from girls who would otherwise not notice them by blending in with the natural colors of GameStop
Reluctantly argue about Naruto because there are so many questions about Dragon Ball Z that have yet to be answered
Can successfully hide up to 200 pounds of torso meat underneath the material, so no matter what they weigh they will still look like a skinny person trapped in the middle of a circular clothing rack at The Retarded Clown Store
Grow pathetic mustaches on acne-covered upper lips that even the most facial-hair deprived Indians would mock until they demand I call them Native Americans, which I will do for a fee (it's called getting free corn, look it up sometime)
Congregate in mall food courts near places that serve disgusting meat; they are the keystone of the Asian Chao corporation
Unsuccessfully mask their rhythm-game induced body odor by applying gallons of middle-school grade cologne, which smells similar to aged smegma wiped on a perfume insert in a magazine.
Tacky-Ass Animal Shirt
The wearers of this shirt...
Can be one of two different kinds of terrible people (PAY ATTENTION)
"Feel the animal inside them," meaning the rhinoceros dildo they bought from plasticanimaldicks.com
Have a persecution complex about being a terrible sexual deviant with absolutely no use to society except maybe some parts of The South
Hope to lure a real animal with the image on the front, and then keep it there with the prospect of a loving relationship
Gave up on their project of a real-life animal/human hybrid when neither animal nor human would come back to their apartment for some party games followed by vivisection
May attend gun and knife shows, and have no sexual disorders aside from being able to climax only when the steaming entrails of freshly-killed venison satiate their white male bloodlust
Often wear camouflage-patterned clothing in inappropriate situations, meaning that they wear camouflage-patterned clothing
Have a new motto: "Wading Pants: Not Just for Wading Anymore!"
Are often truckers, the modern highway disaster meth-addicted porn freak cowboys of the 20th and 21st centuries
The first time "fast", "decisive", and "efficient" could have been used to describe the Minecraft development team was when they snatched the $2.5 billion dollar check out of Microsoft's sweaty, shaking hand.
Paleo guru and definite non-idiot Luke K. clears the air about some of your favorite pumpkin treats this holiday season. Also he weighs in on the controversy surrounding a paleo wedding cake.
No lifeguard on duty. Maze run at your own risk.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.