INT. REBEL BLOCKADE RUNNER
Threepio, why is the airplane shaking like this!?
Oh yeah? Well maybe I am just a half-sized thermocapsulary dehousing assister, but at least I don't shuffle around like I've got a flux capacitor up my ass and speak like I enjoy it.
Don't worry Princess Leia, your message will be safe with me. I've stored it in a prototype holocube that's made of the finest quickly decomposing ham in the galaxy.
Stormtroopers, let's get out of here! They seem to be concentrating all their fire on the walls and ceiling, so if we stick to the floor we should be okay.
Get in the pod, you beautiful golden bastard. It's built for four men so it should just barely hold the two of us and your ridiculous sweeping arm movements.
Perhaps it isn't the best time to tell you this, but confined spaces make me emit a loud and continuous scream.
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT
Maybe suffering is your lot in life, but I'm going to be a public high school teacher some day.
Rest? You're a droid that's programmed to feel the need to rest. That's perfect! Here's the plan: You lay down right there forever and I keep moving. It might just work!
No? Then come this way, there's lots of rocks you can trip over and destroy yourself on.
I'm going towards the death rocks! Follow me, it's perfectly safe.
Come on, there's probably a Sunglasses Hut.
Fine, if you don't come there will be more sunglasses for me!
EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - SUNSET
Woah, woah! Are you sure JAWA-na shoot me? Haha-argh!
INT. SANDCRAWLER - PRISON AREA
This place does suck, but look on the bright side. At least no one cares about us enough to be upset by our abduction.
Don't be silly, the Jawas won't melt us down. We're far too valuable as sodomy bots.
EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - LARS HOMESTEAD - AFTERNOON
Buy me, my programming allows me to avoid running into walls nearly 80% of the time!
INT. LARS HOMESTEAD - GARAGE AREA - LATE AFTERNOON
Yes, oil baths are great. I'm sure that being dipped into a vat of superheated liquid will do wonders for your exposed wiring.
Oh, that hidden hologram recording of a beautiful princess caught up in a fascinating galaxy-wide plot that personifies the struggle between good and evil? It's nothing.
Seriously, forget about it. It's probably just a glitch from notepad.exe.
Threepio, tell him to remove my restraining bolt if he wants to see the whole recording. I'll sneak out of here tonight and bring you back some sunglasses!
EXT. TATOOINE - ROCK CANYON - FLOOR
There are several creatures appearing from the southeast. Be careful... my sensors indicate they haven't been circumsized.
INT. KENOBI'S DWELLING
Hey Ben, you seem like you've really got your stuff together when it comes to analyzing haircuts. I would even go so far as to say that I trust your opinions about haircuts more than most humans. What do you think of the chick in this hologram recording?
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - CENTRAL HOLD AREA
This is some fucked up game of checkers!
INT. DEATH STAR - FORWARD BAY - COMMAND OFFICE
Why don't you save them from being crushed in a trash compactor? I'm going to stick my tiny metallic baby arm into this wacky looking hole to see what's in there.
I saved them, huh? No, that's good. I'm just sort of disappointed that I didn't find a quarter in there.
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - CENTRAL HOLD AREA
Don't be upset, Ben was pretty old and apparently made of inert gas. If he didn't die today it would have only been a matter of time before he bumped into a table and deflated at home.
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT - GUNPORTS
Oh, looks like I'm the only droid here with a fire extinguisher. Imagine that! I'm like freaking utility belt Batman over here and Threepio is Jason Todd's rotting corpse with worse conversational skills.
INT. MASSASSI - WAR ROOM BRIEFING AREA
Woah, that's weird. If I designed a Death Star, including a weak spot would be really low on my list of priorities.
I'd be like "Hmmm... weak spot or more armor and lasers? On the one hand, more armor and lasers. On the other hand, weak spot."
INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - MAIN HANGAR DECK
We can do this, Luke. That Death Star is toast! Just remember to fight everything you learned in pilot training and don't land upside down. I'm begging you.
EXT. LUKE'S X-WING FIGHTER
So then I said "Are you sure JAWA-na shoot me?" Haha-argh! I been shot!
INT. MASSASSI OUTPOST - MAIN THRONE ROOM
I'm here to replace... I am R2-D2. Thank you for the medal.
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
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