A brief look at the world that makes up our... uh... world.

SUV Drivers Don't Really Care About Driving - The Progressive Auto Insurance company has recently released their survey of 30,000 drivers, asking about driving habits and other remarkably fascinating information. The results seem to confirm what most of us already knew: SUV drivers tend to be real big jerks.

More than a fourth of all motorists, or 27 percent, shout or swear to express anger when driving... Those shouters and swearers are most likely to be owners of S/UVs and sports cars, followed by owners of minivans (soccer moms?); and most of those shouters and swearers (57 percent) use a cell phone when driving.

Almost half, or 44 percent, of all drivers use a cell phone while driving, but more than half, or 60 percent, of S/UV drivers use a cell phone while motoring.

Slightly more than 2 out of 3 motorists, or 69 percent, munch when behind the wheel, and that rises to 74 percent for sport-utility vehicle and minivan drivers.

After doing some preliminary research (I sat in traffic on the 405 for about two hours), I discovered some shocking facts of my own (NOTE: the word "facts" used in this context does not have the traditional meaning of "information presented as objectively real." In this case it means "information presented as objectively real although it really isn't"):

Almost 86% of the S/UVs in California are driven by tiny Asian women who cannot see over the steering wheel. The other 14% are sorority girls who don't even bother looking over the steering wheel because they're too busy talking with their friends in the back seats.

17% of accidents with S/UVs result in 129% of all automobile-related deaths. This results in 35% of the total amount of automobile statistics, and 65% of all non-automobile related statistics.

To illustrate this article, I have gotten Jim Bagleaducia to doctor up a "normal" and "S/UV driver" photo. Notice his impressive use of Photoshop in the second picture.
A Normal, Average Driver

A S/UV Driver

You'll notice than in the "S/UV Driver" photo the driver is holding a cellphone, some fast food, and sitting next to a bunch of pizza boxes. You'll also that there's an Olympic Torch (or some kind of odd marital aid) on top of the pizza boxes. I tried to ask Jim why he added this, but he wasn't answering his phone. To draw attention away from the Olympic Torch, I took the liberty of drawing orange arrows that point in the opposite direction and attempt to draw attention away from the torch. Unfortunately, I now notice that they seem to be pointed to the guy's crotch. Just disregard the pictures entirely.

Boy Gives Up Wrestling After Falling Out a Window - I think "concerned parents" (ie, adults with too much time on their hands) have a new crusade to rally against - pro wrestling.

A 7-year-old boy modeling pro wrestling moves he had seen on TV bounced off his bed and tumbled out a second-story window. Casey Sabalsa sustained minor cuts and bruises after smashing through the bedroom window and tumbling two stories onto a cushion of grass.

Okay, so people are convinced that despite no proof whatsoever, video games cause kids to shoot each other, yet here's an article conclusively proving that pro wrestling makes children injure themselves! Despite all this evidence (I consider a six-paragraph article to be an awful lot of proof), I have yet to see as many angry parents waving torches and pitchforks at their local congressmen, demanding wrestling be banned or given an R-rating. In fact, whenever parents complain about video games causing violence, they always mention Doom, Quake, and RC Pro Am! Have you ever heard them ONCE say ANYTHING about WWF Attitude, Wrestlemania, or M.U.S.C.L.E. Wrestling causing children to think they can fly? Of course not, because while OUR children are doing backflips and flying out windows like rubber bands, parents across the globe are too busy screeching that playing House of the Dead 2: Electric Boogaloo turns their kids into killing machines. Wake up, parents, and face facts: John Carmack isn't to blame for the worldwide phenomenon of kids doing extremely stupid things. It's Fred Dibiasi or Jimmy the Superfly Snooka or whatever current fat tub of moist lard the wrestling industry managed to cram into a G-string and prance around on stage for 10 minutes. Let's accept some responsibility here, or at least make up some.

Shugashack Has a "Create Your Own Gaming God Trading Card" Contest - While creating Gaming God trading cards isn't news in itself, the "prize" sure is.

"we'll announce who will be writing a "werd" post of the day."

Yes, the winner of the contest will get to write on the Shack's page! They'll have the honor of doing Steve and Maarten's job for them! I think this opens up bold and exciting new areas of opportunity. In fact, these areas are so incredibly bold and incredibly exciting, I'm going to start a bold and exciting contest right now. It will be called "Guess What Number I'm Thinking Of (HINT: It's the Number '7')" and all you readers will be given a chance to guess. The winner gets to write articles for this site! Or you can update my news for me! Or even better yet, you can wash my car, because right now it's a filthy, rotting, mud-covered disease pit! I don't get nearly enough quality submissions to this site, so I can only assume this contest will be a raging success. Be sure to include your article along with your guess.

By the way, if you're reading this, Maarten or Steve, it's nothing personal, I'm just joking around. For example, if I was really trying to be mean spirited, I would've mentioned that Steve's rise to fame can be completely credited to the revolving-door prison system. And Maarten, if I was attempting to put you down, I would've said something about the time you passed gas at Quakecon and everybody distinctly heard the sound of a party favor going off in your pants.

Ah, to be graced by the presence of the wonderful Cliff Yablonski again. It truly is a wonderful experience indeed.

From: cliff yablonski
Subject: ENTER SUBJECT HERE

hey jerk, Ive got 4 new pages of people I hate in Appleton City. you know the drill - post it and I'll postpone kicking in your fat, bloated face for a few hours.

goodbye pansy
cliff

He really is a man among men, isn't he? I hear he's also a reeking alcoholic. But enough about him, check out the four new pages of people Cliff Yablonski just doesn't like!

Happy Halloween, jerks (even though it's not Halloween anymore). Jed's gift to you is a review of a wonderful new Half Life map entitled "Co-op", which doesn't have anything to do with playing co-op. It's supposed to be some kind of TF "2 Forts" monstrosity. The fact that so many people want to recreate "2 Forts" over and over and over is sick in itself, but the crowning achievement is that they're usually so poorly done. This map is no exception.

Your arsenal in "Co-op" is pretty much limited to the crossbow, which is definitely the weapon of choice for gunning down your opponents while they stand stationary in the middle of the map, mesmerized by the mysterious shrine of spike-induced blindness. In the unlikely event that you ever get tired of repeatedly using the same lame-ass weapon weapon you can always venture into the secret underwater room and pick up some laser tripmines. The downside is that the vile red lighting in said room will probably give you nightmares and more or less destroy your will to live but hey, that's why they're called "tradeoffs", right?

Take your tradeoffs and shove 'em, Joel!

Hosted site updates: Taco the Wonder Dog has many wonderful bits and pieces of stuff that makes my brain swell and hurt. He has completed the month-long saga of "Jane", his awe-inspiring musical play or screeching car wreck of lies, whichever you'd prefer to call it. He's also got a Flash movie entitled "Stunt Corpse" and some other stuff which I personally can't decipher or read.

Wow That's Amazing! also has something entitled "Bush, Gore, Lebenon, Whatever", which is about... uh... something. I'm personally leaning towards the "whatever" idea, because I can't make heads or tails of the article. Heck, the only way I can even tell it's an article is because the word "article" is up top and on the left. I think WTA provides a strong argument for mandatory lacing of our high school's milk with Ritalin.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.