Welcome once again to sassy Saturdays with Frolixo, not to be confused with sucky Sundays with Ben "Greasnin" Platt. Seriously, if that boy were bitten by a King Cobra that injected pure comedy instead of venom, he still would be as funny as a colonoscopy. I'm not sure how this clown nabbed a writing position, but word around the water cooler is that this bald, goofy bastard is on his way out to make way for a new comedy explosion. Me! The free rides over Greasy, time to start updating that resume buddy.
Besides reminding everyone how unfunny Greasy is, I wanted to thank the dozens of people who sent me an e-mail after last week’s update. Although they mostly consisted of death threats and/or sexual invasion of my family and pets, it was still good to get some feedback from the public. I was concerned, however, with the gentleman who said he wanted to skin me alive to harvest my soft, sweet flesh. When I informed Rich "nature's tugboat" Kyanka, and Zack "smokes too much" Parsons about this most serious threat against my life, they merely responded with "lol". But never mind all that; let’s get on with today's topic.
Much like craving the flesh of an interweb comedy writer, it's a well-known fact that I crave gnomes of all types and sizes. So I'm happy to inform you that it's that time again folks! No, not my period you silly goose, it's time for the new product line of garden gnomes to be unveiled! That's right, the newest brand of gnomes have hit the open market causing gnome enthusiasts like myself, crazy old ladies, and terribly gay men in festive shirts to jump for joy in excitement. I'm literally hopping up and down in my chair as I type this, causing "Frolixo, Jr." to rub against my pant leg in a most scandalous and arousing manner. But we have time for that later; let’s take a look at the new gnomes, shall we?
|Keeping gardens zombie free since 204 B.C.|
Garden Gnome (Classic) - This little fellow is an updated version of classic garden gnome that has adorned lawns since the dawn of civilization. This model revisits the strong points of the original, with an old world charm that made this model a standard for thousands of years. It is rumored that Caesar had one of these in his garden in Rome, taking it along with his campaign in Gaul as a military consul, and that Stalin also kept one in his den, having detailed discussions with it about how many people to kill that month. The ever-protector of gardens around the globe, the Garden Gnome is also said to have magical powers against any evil spirits that try to corrupt your household. Although thought to be an old wives tale, some folk attest to the gnome's ability to ward off vampires, werewolves, zombies, and Jehovah’s Witnesses. This is the hottest seller by far, and will always be a fan favorite.
|"Good heavens, that darkie is too close to the house!"|
Monocle Gnome - Also an older model that is being revamped, this gnome has been spotted on lawns of the rich and influential since 1872. Adorning a top hat and monocle, this gnome is by far the fanciest and most gentlemanly of the current models. Men of high breeding and principle are commonly awarded with a monocle gnome upon reaching the age of 25, or acquiring their 10th company; whichever comes first. John Rockefeller often sat with his monocle gnome in his study, drinking scotch and lighting cigars with 100-dollar bills. It is said that they bring good luck concerning all business matters, despite the fact that the stock market crash of 1929 was rumored to be caused by bad gnome advice. One of the more attractive features for rich, paranoid white people is that this gnome automatically alerts the police if any suspicious colored folk wander too close to your lawn. This model almost entirely disappeared during the Carter administration, but made a strong comeback during the Reagan era.
|Get a free bean burrito with each purchase|
Mexican Gnome - Hispanics are quickly becoming the biggest demographic in America. I think this is because some fool is feeding them after midnight or getting them wet. In response to these growing numbers, a new gnome has been created to cash in on regular Zerg rush of these hardworking, lazy people from south of the border. Thousands of these spicy sprites have been sold to Mexican-worked corn and bean farms to fend off the bothersome Chupacabra, for their previously mentioned ability to ward off evil vampire demons. This gnome also looks quite nice when paired with the statues of Mary that litter the lawns of these devout Catholic families. To those worried that placing a Mexican Gnome next to Mary is sacrilegious, Pope John Paul himself gave it his blessing during a very special occasion that turned out to be extremely amusing since he thought it was poopy time. (Available on layaway.)
|He'll eat all your eggs and sleep with your wife|
The Lil’ Prankster- One of the more mischievous gnomes, The Lil’ Prankster is a great purchase if you would like to play horrible tricks on friends and family. Once hidden in a household, the gnome will cause general mayhem, like signing you up for gay porn sites, laying eggs in your flour, and setting fire to the abode, killing everybody inside in an agonizing inferno. It is thought that this tricksy little fellow is responsible for assassinating Franz Ferdinand, sinking the Titanic, the dust bowl, polio, assassinating both Kennedy brothers, shooting down John McCain over Vietnam, and giving the green light for "Battlefield Earth". It is also widely known that George Lucas is actually a Lil’ Prankster Gnome, making the early Star Wars movies fantastic so it could prank us mere mortals with atrocious new ones. This model comes in red, blue, and green. (Batteries not included.).
|Geben Sie uns Ihre Muttern und Beeren!|
Panzer Tank Gnome- WW2 memorabilia is a hot ticket right now. With movies like "Saving Private Ryan", "Enemy at the Gates", and the HBO series "Band of Brothers", people all over the globe are taking time to remember the men and women who partook in the epic struggle from 1939-1945. What better way to commemorate their ultimate sacrifice with a new edition of gnome? This brand new model released by Franklin Mint features the gnome "Hans" in his stunningly detailed Panzer Tank. Built with working parts and guns that really fire, no garden will be able to resist this fanciful blitzkrieg. Action is in full gear as this war-mongering fellow is out to rape and pillage various mushroom kingdoms with an unrelenting show of German might. Historians and gnome lovers alike will enjoy this most wonderful edition, and soon their enemy's lawns and gardens will be nothing but scorched earth and mass graves. (Cannot be sold in France and Germany.)
|"I swing both ways"|
Naughty Playtime Gnome- A special model for frisky couples and the just married, this hot gnome is designed to spice up your love life with gnomish flavor. Dapper by day, naughty by night, this tantalizing tot will heat up bedroom activities to an almost late night Cinemax level. Passion is the name of the game when this flirtatious fairy is on the case. Use one, two, or even three of these sensual sprites during intercourse. (WARNING: If during normal sexual intercourse the gnome becomes lodged in one's anus, please call the Naughty Playtime Gnome helpdesk. If the gnome becomes lost in the vaginal region, hit with a hammer until broken and the shards come out naturally. The Surgeon General advises washing your gnomes after regular use to lower risk of AIDS infection. Gnomelube not included.)
|This gnome is worth more than you|
X29003 Supercharged Gnome (Eddie Bauer Edition)- This top of the line model is the best current gnome technology has to offer. It is aerodynamically designed to stand up to hurricane class winds, heat shielded to stand volcano eruptions, and soundly engineered to survive earthquakes up to 7.8 in magnitude. That's not all, it also has a heated pointy hat for melting snow accumulations, a titanium alloy skin that prevents rust or dents, and alerts you if the 'Lil Trickster Gnome, or Panzer Tank gnome is in the area. The X29003 Supercharged Gnome can cure most kinds of cancer and clears up acne. It can be found at most Sharper Image stores, but this limited edition is selling out fast. Be sure to get yours now before all those cancer people get one. (Now available with a V8 engine.)
Frankly, I'm terribly pleased by the new models of gnomes coming out. In this age of pollution, war, crime, and Vin Diesel, it's nice to know that there are some things that never change, like helpful and caring gnomes watching over our gardens in gleeful merriment. They are truly the key to a successful life, and the most important thing in this picnic of love we call the planet earth. Until next time my internet friends, this is Frolixo, signing off the SA machine. Toodles!
State Og Strikes Back
Hi there folks, this is your State Og representative Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell, here to fill you in on our latest update. Unlike last week, this update in no way endorses the act of setting fire to Hollywood mogul Jerry "I'll Produce Any Damn Thing" Bruckheimer. Instead we strongly encourage our readers to crush him with an improbably large object, such as Jupiter. So what else is new this week? Have a peek:
Thanks to State Og and Daryl Strawberry, two critical parts of your daily life have collided in a glorious orgy of technology and washed up sports figures! Available in stores nationwide, the Daryl Strawberry GrillBee combines the tasks of hair cutting and grilling into one easy to use device! Never again will you waste time trying to get your hair cut while cooking up a juicy steak. Simply attach the GrillBee to any standard vacuum cleaner, feed raw meat into the intake and then apply it to your head. It's just that simple!
What are you waiting for? Go get your weekly fill of State Og before everyone else gets there first and takes the good bits!
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.