"Awwwwright errybody time to get it going so nasty out there on the dance floor somebody catches a reptile disease! Steam it up like my turtle's terrarium. Here we go." (slide whistle descends into Lords of Acid)
"Does errybody feel that? Let me hear it! Let me hear it! I want to see those bodies jerkin' to the machine called P-p-p-perrrrrry Ca-omo!" (needle scratch into Some Enchanted Evening)
"Top two reasons yall need to be out on that dance floor: It's hot up in this club and the Internet diagnosed my cat with Gulf War Syndrome. Semper Fi, little dude!" (Billy Cosby Jello Pudding commercial mixed into Bombs Over Baghdad)
"Girls I hope you waxed and wore your thongs tonight because it's time for ARI FINKELSTEIN to read the TORAH and I heard he leaves them WETTttt." (echo fade into gabber hora music)
"Guys get your girl, girls get your man and throw them draws on the floor. I want to see yall shit up my dance floor. Log tha yard. Sod tha floor. Dump it now. Dump it." ("I want a bean feast" Willy Wonka sample into "dumps like a truck" from Thong Song)
"Yo this one goes out to Nick Manabat, desceased. He only had a chance to ink three issues of Cybernary before he died. Rest in peace, young blood, but not the comic Youngblood, also from Image, but far inferior to Cybernary. Heeeere's YoungBloodZ." (drops straight into Presidential)
"Yo errybody when I say fuck, you say ennui. FUCK...FUCK...FUCK...21st century, got first world problems." (Jay-Z's 99 Problems kicks in, but it's a fake out for six-minute run of filter audio of analog hiss and crackle)
"It's the Daywalker! And two-for-one wing night! Kitchen closes at 11 so get your orders in!" (15-minute New Order track hits)
"Ladies, ladies, ladies. Girls night is blowin' up in here. For this next one I want to see only the ladies out there who read Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Book club or on your own. Don't go sneakin' out there if you saw the movie. Just sit yer ass down if yall are entirely unfamiliar with Lisbeth Salander. Call the bartender ask him to drip you some Grand Marnier in your sippy cup. This one is up to Stieg Larsson!" (electro dirge gradually fades into stutter-start of Straight Out of Compton)
"Whose motherfucking Bichon Frise just ran in my booth and bit my glans?" (dump straight into Let's Get it Started)
"Why can't he just show the birth certificate? Let's get to the bottom of this people. America wants to know." (infant heartbeat sound crossfades to terrorcore remix of Michael Buble's rendition of Feeling Good)
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.