Barack Obama is apparently made of sunshine and magic.In modern America's hotly divided political environment it is a genuine comfort to be able to join hands with people across the aisle and come together to vote for who is objectively the best candidate. Being a Chicagoan I am fortunate to be able to enjoy this experience by voting for Democratic Senate hopeful Barack Obama. The reason I can post this without much concern for angering people is that he is facing off against Maryland carpet bagger and political extremist Alan Keyes. Partisan blood may flow through your veins, you may want to punch every Democrat in the face, but you'd still have to be crazy to vote for Alan Keyes.
To give you an example of just how unified Illinois is about this particular race, the polls show that Barack Obama has a slight lead with 69 percentage points over Keyes who is polling at 24 percent. A lead of 45 percentage points is virtually unheard of for a non-incumbent candidate and there's a great reason why this situation has developed: every time Alan Keyes opens his mouth absolute madness falls out.
Keyes has compared abortion to the Holocaust multiple times, he has referred to homosexuals as "selfish hedonists", and he stated in a recent debate that homosexual couples with children will lead to incest. Keyes also views every journalist, even right wing ones, as part of a vast liberal conspiracy to doom his campaign. He constantly accuses them of misquoting him and then, in the next sentence, repeats exactly what he claims they misquoted. Alan Keyes is convinced that the world is out to get Alan Keyes.
I may not really be what most people would consider a journalist, but that doesn't stand in the way of most people these days so I don't see why it should serve as an impediment to me. To put truth to Keyes' belief that journalists are conspiring against him and misquoting him I have assembled a list of Keyes quotes from off-the-beaten-path sources. They range from Lexis-Nexus searches to me calling up hostile Republican sources I know from college. The great thing about this campaign is that most of the Republicans hate Keyes even more than the Democrats, so they're willing to spill some serious beans on him from behind the scenes.
What's that coming out of Alan Keyes? Oh, it's just more crazy fucking rainbows!This has been about a month in the making, so allow me a moment to wallow in my satisfaction as I present two categories of Keyes mirth. First there are the From the Horse's Mouth quotes that I have tracked down, and then there are the Krazy Keyes Factoids which are pulled mostly from my aforementioned anonymous sources.
From the Horse's Mouth
"I love my daughter in concept, but the fire of hell will consume her soul in the afterlife and she will deserve it for her transgressions against the Lord." - Keyes addressing a Kindergarten class in Peoria about his homosexual daughter.
"I am sure most of you have seen photos of the mass graves at Sobibor, Treblinka, and Dachau. Miniature versions of these same scenes are repeated on a weekly basis in the alleys behind abortion clinics. And by miniature I mean that there are as many dead humans but they are very small, like hobby scale Jews, only not Jews. Sometimes Jews." - Keyes at a luncheon for the Jewish Voting League in Chicago.
"God weeps for every child slain in an abortion clinic and so do the Jedi. They feel the disturbance. They hear the voices crying out and then being silenced." - Keyes speaking at a Star Wars convention at the University of Illinois.
"When people ask me about my view of evolution I show them this. Could random evolution have produced this? Could mere chance and circumstance have created such a wondrous and complex thing?" - Keyes speaking to a science symposium while holding up a Sony Mini-Disc player.
"My opponent claims to be black, of color, claims that he can understand the plight of the African American voter in Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen, I may not speak to any issues that concern you, but just look at him. I am like five times darker skinned than him. I win the blackness in this race. He barely looks Puerto Rican!" - Keyes speaking to random passerby outside a South Side Chicago McDonalds.
"San Dimas football rules!" - Shouted at the end of a particularly poorly received speech at Van Wilder High School, rivals of San Dimas.
"I want to crack them open and eat their brain. I want their brain right away. I want to be able to taste what they are thinking as their still-firing neurons slide down my throat." - Keyes on the freshness of puppies euthanized by a local animal shelter.
Krazy Keyes FactoidsDon't be sad! They can take the election away, but they'll never take the madness. Keyes attended a rally of the Ku Klux Klan in July of 2004 and actually set fire to an honorary cross. Although Keyes remained hooded throughout the rally he spoke at length on the subject of sending African Americans back to Africa. His personal assistant scheduled the event as a means of "reaching out to his base".
While visiting a hospital in Chicago, Keyes poured consecrated holy water on a patient in the terminal stages of AIDS and claimed that the man was a vampire. Orderlies physically restrained Keyes to prevent him from stabbing the man in the heart with a wooden stake.
When questioned by a Chicago Tribune reporter about the lingering debt Keyes has from his 2000 presidential bid Keyes began biting the woman's face. It took two members of Keyes' own staff using a combination of bullwhips and cattle prods to drive him away from the woman.
Keyes fell off of a platform and sprained his ankle while attempting to demonstrate to an audience in Springfield that God could imbue him with the power of levitation.
Keyes was arrested in August for "lewd conduct" in a movie theater on Chicago's West side called El Agujero Mojado. According to unnamed sources within the police department Keyes was caught being fellated by a transvestite prostitute who goes by the street name of "Hutch".
Keyes ran down a crippled orphan in a wheelchair with a bulldozer. He explained the incident as "part of [God's] plan".
Keyes may not be the worst candidate to run for a position in Congress - after all, it's virtually impossible to top James Traficant - but he is one of the great uniting figures in these turbulent times. Americans can stand side by side, looking to the future, shouting with one strong voice: Alan Keyes sucks!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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