Heart of Darkness is easy to find in your dash!Many of you might not be aware that Lowtax, when he isn't drunk or letting batshit crazy broads move in with him, is partners with me in running a corporation. Arlogeist GmbH is a multi-million dollar industrial syndicate with interests throughout most of the world. We've worked on a number of civilian and military projects and have partnered with corporations ranging from StateOg to Dow Chemical. Even though Lowtax is usually passed out under his desk from drinking Steel Reserve and eating prescription narcotics like they're popcorn I manage to keep things in shape. We're always looking for means to diversify and most recently our automotive division has been carefully monitoring the success of the OnStar system available from General Motors.
Kriegmenschenaufklarenabteilungen, our automotive division based in Germany, manufactures the popular Einsatzwagen line of automobiles. These cars and trucks are geared specifically to the South American and African dictator market and feature a variety of high-end performance packages. Take for example the Cub Commando, a sporty SUV with seating for seven, a sun-roof, point defense mini-guns, a "murder scoop" attached to the front, and an internal skin hopper that can liquefy up to ten adults in under a minute. This baby is built to last and can take everything up to and including a shot from an Abrams battle tank and still keep moving. We sold eight just last week to Sudanese Warlord Magrudo "Child Eater" M'buto, and let me tell you he could not be more pleased. I'm not here to brag about our fantastic lineup of automobiles for the dictator in you, I'm here to tell you about Kriegmenschenaufklarenabteliungen's new service Heart of Darkness, a 24-hour help desk in your car at the touch of a button!
This revolutionary new system is intended to compete with the feeble efforts of General Motors and their OnStar system. Located in the dash of your automobile, this glowing red button emblazoned with an easy-to-find skull icon will connect you with one of our helpful staffers wherever you are! Getting stranded with a flat tire in the middle of Tokyo's Shinjuku district with a dead hooker in your trunk and several million dollars in uncut heroin stashed snugly inside condoms in your lower intestine is a concern of the past! Just press the Heart of Darkness button and within moments our helpful representatives will solve the problem for you.
Some of the services offered by Heart of Darkness include:
One of our cheerful staffers cleans blood off the hood of one of our customer's vehicles. Corpse disposal - Our staff will send a team out to your location and dissolve that pesky cadaver with acid.
Flat Tires - We will use our global satellite network to locate a nearby car with the same tires as yours, go to that car and steel the tires, and then change them on your car.
Animal Mishaps - Sometimes the seals you've been clubbing and loading into your truck just don't stay dead for some reason and occasionally go berserk in the back while you're trying to drive. No problem! Our satellites can emit an ultrasonic beam aimed directly into your car that will liquefy the internal organs of that pesky critter. Also works on annoying passengers.
Kidnapping - We can't do anything if you've been kidnapped because you won't be anywhere near you car, but if you'd like to kidnap someone else just press the Heart of Darkness button. Within minutes our helpful staff members will be leaping out of your unmarked van to chloroform and tie-up the person or persons of your choosing.
Environmental Safety - We don't care about silly old Mother Nature any more than you do, so why not hit your Heart of Darkness button when you're hauling a load of liquid boron and need somewhere to dump it. We will not only give you the nearest secluded river crossing, we will actually parachute in and rendezvous with you there and assist you in pouring gallons of caustic substances into the river!
Feeling Lonely - Heart of Darkness has access to over 350 escort agencies throughout the world. If you'd like some company just let us know and we will have one or more gorgeous ladies sent to your location. If we can't find any gorgeous ladies one of our male phone operators will dress up as a woman and give you a handjob! Now that's a spicy meatball!
You don't have to take my word for it though, our product has been tested by some 100 hardened criminals, dictators, and serial murderers that have purchased our vehicles in the past. The system has already been put to great use by these people and rather than tell you more about how wonderful it is I'll let them do the talking! This first transcript was taken from a call in late January, when a Heart of Darkness user identified as Dr. Sinestro contacted us about a little problem he was having with directions.
On site terror squads are just one of the many features we offer.Operator: Thank you for calling Heart of Darkness, what is thy bidding?
Sinestro: Yeah, uh, I got lost when I was driving around Suffolk county and I accidentally walked into a church and murdered 12 nuns, which way should I go to elude law enforcement?
Operator: I show you as driving our Eddie Bauer Indomitable 4-wheel drive. Have you tried using the hypnogas discharger?
Sinestro: Yeah, that made some of the cops wreck but there's still like ten of them and a helicopter.
Operator: A helicopter?
Sinestro: (pause) No, two of them now.
Operator: Alrighty Mr. Sin-
Operator: Okee dokee Dr. Sinestro, we've got two missiles should be taking out those choppers in a jiffy, and why don't you just turn left at the next stop sign. There's what looks like a brick wall on your right just down that road, just drive on through it, it's a holograph. We'll take care of the police from there.
Sinestro: Oh thank you, you guys are life savers.
Operator: (laughs) Well, we're just glad we could lend a hand.
Simply amazing what modern technology allows us to do for our valued customers. This second incident happened very early in the morning near New Orleans, Louisiana. One of our most frequent callers was a man named Stive Gozalez, and on this occasion he had reason to ask for our assistance in solving a mystery.
Operator: Thank you for calling Heart of Darkness, what is thy bidding?
Stive Gozalez: I just woke up naked and covered with blood in the back seat. Any idea why?
Operator: Hmmm, well we don't show your hatchet wipers or your flayer being deployed. Check around the interior for any signs as to what might have happened.
Stive Gozalez: I don't see much of anything, oh, wait, here's a plastic bag.
Operator: Open it up, is it full of human organs?
Stive Gozalez: I can't tell, just looks like mush, but there's a hastily scrawled note on the side of the bag it says…'ovaries'.
Operator: Oh, that helps. It sounds like you went into your "ripper" personality. If it had been "the dragon" you would have burned them alive. Just get to the nearest garage and we'll have someone meet you there with a loaner vehicle while we wipe yours down for prints.
Stive Gozalez: You're amazing! I don't know what I would ever do without you!
Operator: Probably be executed by lethal injection.
Stive Gozalez: Ha ha! BUHLEEE DAT!
Whatever you need, we will be there for you. You don't have to be evil to use Heart of Darkness either, we'll just take whatever you want us to do and then do it in the most evil way possible. Need a cat out of a tree? Expect the use of civil war cannons. Help changing your oil? We hear that orphans release oil when you squeeze their chests in an industrial press. The system's installation is free and then you subscribe to the system for a mere $250 per year plus your immortal soul.
Beep, Beep, Beep
Seasons tidings my fine feathered friends! Josh "Dairy Products" Boruff here in stereotypical fashion to announce that Photoshop Phriday is available to all consumer markets. What's in store this week? Holy shit, robots! Yes, it's a regular Parade of Robots led by the industries peoples of the SA Forums!
You'd have to have a short circuit to miss this week! Oh my, I'm a comedian!
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.