About a month ago, I found myself contemplating which race-baiting public figure was the most obnoxious: Al Sharpton, Matt Hale, Louis Farrakhan, or Fred Phelps. Each of these wacky, zany, neuron-misfiring blowhards are known for their tough talk on racism and why they're being oppressed by people who either have the same skin color as myself or the completely opposite color. Now I can understand where these folks are coming from; I oppress a good 10-15 people each day, usually with my patented "Oppression Stick," a flimsy twig which has a Ping-Pong ball taped to the end. The problem with determining which race-baiter is the most obnoxious stems from the fact that they are all crazy in their own special way.

Al Sharpton is a short, pudgy black individual who despises anybody who isn't black, especially the Jews. The reason for his vocal hatred is due to the fact that he resembles a fat black bowling pin with terribly unfortunate hair.
Matt Hale, the leader of the tremendously popular "World Church of the Creator," enjoys using the word "creation" because it sounds much better than "kill all the niggers and faggots and Jews." Every racist nutcase hates the Jews for some reason. I think they're afraid the Jewish god, King Jewey, will come down some day and smite them if Judaism is not eradicated as quickly as possible.
Louis Farrakhan stopped speaking coherently roughly 20 years ago. I honestly don't have any clue what any of his speeches mean anymore, as they all sound like "blender the zygote humper, mumphry anna being estos THE BLACK MAN goomber reggie tum tum roofle scrub THE BLACK MAN humpa woo!" Regardless, he hates whites and Jews too, or so the translators tell me.
Fred Phelps, who undoubtedly despises minorities and Jews, aims his flaccid arrow towards the homosexual community. Mr. Phelps and his legion of nineteen trailer park residents routinely picket funerals for gay people by chanting "FAGS DIE" and holding bright signs which read "FAGS DIE" while thinking "FAGS DIE." He's not really much of a threat though, since all the CIA has to do is place a sign reading "FREE RV TUNE-UP" that points off the side of a tall cliff and soon the entire Phelps community will find themselves in a flaming pile of twisted metal and plastic lawn furniture. I'm pretty sure he hates the Jews too, since that's currently the "hip" new trend like drinking coffee or breathing oxygen.

I eventually came to the conclusion that Matt Hale is undoubtedly the most obnoxious race baiter currently in the race for racism. His website, combined with his colorful and impressive psychotic history, made him the number one choice. Now you're probably asking yourself, "hey Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, what does the winner of your race-baiting contest receive?" Simple: an email prank.

The following email was the first message I sent off to Mr. Reverend Prime Minister President CEO Matt Hale. Since his "church" is constantly low on donations, mainly because he's a batshit looney tune that no rational person would ever give money to, I decided to get his attention by offering to advertise on his wonderful website which features many white people looking very happy, probably because they are neither Jewish nor black. Before I present the first salvo towards the good Matt Hale, let me explain that the photos accompaning the emails are of white people, the same white people Mr. President Lt. Governor Matt Hale is fighting for. They were not included with the messages for obvious reasons.

From: Richard Kyanka
Subject: Question about potential advertising on your site...

Dear Reverend Matt Hale,

I have recently "come" into some extra funds, and I've been attempting to decide how best to donate these funds to causes I believe in, causes that are underfunded and lack the publicity they so richly deserve. I feel that your website and Mr. Fred Phelps websites, both of which express a strong sentiment that many proud white Americans are afraid to voice, deserve this "extra" money I recently "came" into.

My strongest concern, as you can undoubtedly relate to, is the abundance of homosexuals causing our society to crumble and decay from the inside like a cake that two fags baked together during one of their fag orgies. As we both know, the homosexuals get their media power from the Jews, most importantly Steven Speilburgh, who also made the film "Jaws." See the underlying connection? "Jaws" and "Jews"? The great white shark was called a "man eater," which is also a name given to fags. In my opinion, this is yet another subtle way the Jews and the homosexual left are trying to destroy our society, just like they have been doing slowly through Wal-Mart and Microsoft software (if you want some hard facts regarding the makeup of the headcount of Jewish soldiers in the Microsoft team, just let me know; I live 20 minutes from Richmond and can verify everything, including the seven satellite dishes they try to hide from the public because they broadcast highly encoded Jewish encryption to the other Richmond outposts which span miles away for obvious purposes).

Anyway, I find myself straying from the original point. I would like to use my extra money I recently "came" into so I may advertise some non-profit banner ads or square ads on your site. I feel that while you do an excellent job exposing the Jewish tyranny and the threat that the minorities carry with them like bacteria from a filthy carnie freak, I also think that you could tackle the homosexual agenda in a more prominent manner. This is where I would like to come in.

Fred Phelps does an excellent job exposing the fags, but he neglects to mention the filthy lesbians that spread their dyke disease wherever they go. I was in the store the other day and saw two butch-looking women... WITH A CHILD! God never intended for the human race to engage in such activities, and I find it morally offensive that these dykes can romp freely through our grocery stores and other public places like the Home Depot without at least getting jailtime or something. I would like to run a series of anti-lesbian / anti-dyke ads on your site, either in the form of banner ads or square ads that are inserted on the left or right columns of your neatly designed page. Everybody knows that fags are sinners because God is throwing AIDS at them like that nigger Donkey Kong ape threw barrels at the white plumber. However, the lesbian agenda is being overlooked, and I feel it's past time we brought this to light. Something like:

"MUFF DIVERS MUST DIE"

I've got a pretty comfortable sum of money which I would love to donate to your church and cause in exchange for helping you denounce the morally reprehensible dyke agenda. Please email me back with rates, as I'd like to get this money sent out as soon as possible. Please reply to this email address, as I believe my last address was being monitored by "you know who," and I had to respond with a hefty effort of disinformation.

Thank you very much,

Richard Kyanka

Although I never expected Dr. Reverend Queen Mother Matt Hale to be smart enough to do an Internet search for my name, I used a different email address (since the @somethingawful.com might just give me away). Since money was involved, it immediately piqued Vice President CCP R&D Matt Hale's attention, so he replied with the following:

From: Rev. Matt Hale, P.M.
Subject: Re: Question about potential advertising on your site...

Dear Brother Kyanka!

I am very happy to hear from you about this and appreciate your desire to help our great Church financially.

Can you make us an offer? I have to admit that this is new for us, your proposition. Essentially, whatever financial help you can provide, we need. So, if perhaps an inch high banner denouncing queers is worth a certain sum to you, just let me know what that sum might be. We can then bill your credit card each month automatically. The only thing we couldn't do is have any ads that encourage violence. Ideally, something like "Homosexuality is a Mental Illness" or something like that would go over best.

We look forward to hearing from you again soon and thank you again. RAHOWA!

Yours For A Moral White Eternity,

Rev. Matt Hale, P.M.

"The Jew is through in 2002!" -Rev. Matt Hale in his "State of the Church"
Address Delivered on January 2, 29AC (2002)
Help the Holy Mission of the World Church of the Creator
White Liberation and Self-Determination

Listen to the Church's dynamic internet radio program!
Rahowa Radio International
"In Klassen We Trust: The White Power Hour with Rev. Matt Hale"!

Oooh, I, Brother Kyanka, can buy "an inch high banner denouncing queers!" I guess in magical whitey-land, people measure computer graphics not in pixels but inches! Non-Jewish inches! Detective Police Chief Matt Hale unfortunately turned away my anti-lesbian ad because I suppose it was too violent and didn't contain the cryptic RAHOWA! message which the good doctor Hale sees fit to include in every message. For you non-racist people, "RAHOWA!" means "RAcial HOly WAr." You know, because one of the original Bible passages read "shave your heads and shoot black people" but some Jew tore out that page a long time ago. Those damn pesky Jews! Always up to their old tricks!

Since my initial idea was rebuffed, I decided to change my message to be a bit more public-friendly, just like Senor Captain Rev. Matt Hale's message of "the Jew is through in 2002!" See how clever that message is? It rhymes! Wow! Only a white heterosexual Christian could think of something so ingenious! Not a black guy because he's out drinking malt liquor and eating fried chicken! And not a Jew because he's too busy taking over the world and all major media outlets!

From: Richard Kyanka
Subject: Re: Question about potential advertising on your site...

Dear Rev. Hale-

Thank you very much for your prompt and courteous reply. In my previous dealings with online churches and resources that reflect my passions and way of thinking, I do not believe I've gotten such a polite email as I have from you. For example, I previously attempted to contact Mr. Jack Chick quite some time back with an offer of a donation in exchange for a pamphlet promoting my anti-dyke propaganda. To sum it up to you (without wasting too much of your valuable time), my idea was as follows:

1) Innocent Christian girl falls in with the wrong crowd, a bunch of filthy dykes who smoke and drink and hang out with their negro boyfriends all day (they are pregnant, by the way. The girls are pregnant I mean, not the negros),
2) The Innocent Christian girl is sucked into their dyke and nigger lifestyle and soon finds herself turning into a promiscuous slut,
3) Her school teachers, whom are all Jewish, explain that this is all okay because being "tolerant" of such sins is on their agenda,
4) She dies in lumber mill accident when they're all partying there and the lumber fan crashes down on them, destroying them all,
5) She is immediately sent to hell with her sinful friends and their nigger boyfriends, where they are beaten with chains of fire and forced to do manual labor for Satan for all eternity.

However, Mr. Chick never replied and I was forced to give up on this idea. This is quite unfortunate, as I feel his worldwide publication of fine brochures is an excellent way of spreading our pro-good / anti-evil Jewish propaganda. I'm not sure what happened with him, but I decided to simply move on and seek other ways to communicate my / our message.

As for your rule prohibiting ads that encourage violence, I completely understand. My initial ad idea was purely for shock value so people would see it and say "oh my!" and then, after thinking about it for a few days, would realize "oh my, that ad was 100% completely correct!" because the ad would stick in their mind. Here are some other slogans I came up with yesterday during my hourly prayer and introspection towards the state of the White race:

"Dikes hold up dams; dykes end up damned."
"Families may eat out; just make sure your daughter doesn't."

Obviously these two slogans have a bit of humor to them; this is to make it seem like a more friendly message so people will remember it more easily. They might have a hearty chuckle at first, but the message will sink in and stay with them. Do you think this is a good idea? You've obviously had more experience with promoting your message than I have, since you run your own church and I'm just the regional vice-manager of the Redmond Dairy Queen franchise 371 (where, unfortunately, the government requires us to hire a certain amount of niggers to work the Slushie machine), in addition to trying to run a web hosting service that my friend Nathan takes care of. Any input from you would be greatly appreciated since you're the expert in this area.

On a somewhat related note, have you had any experience with "animation gifs"? They are apparently web graphics which have the ability to animate over time, like have a picture of a bird fly around and perch on top a mailbox and such. I was thinking that perhaps the graphic we display could promote our message, then flash (for like 1/100th of a second) a subliminal message such as "protect your daughter" or "don't trust the dykes" or "don't let your daughter be fucked by a nigger." Do you have any experience or knowledge with this? If not, do you have any web designers that do? I am very interested in researching this and believe it could be a great help to our cause.

Anyway, I seem to be rambling on again. Sorry about that! Please respond whenever you get a free moment. I realize your schedule is very full ATM (at the moment), so I look forward to hearing from you whenever you get the opportunity.

God bless you and our white brethren,

- Richard

I thought my idea of hypnotizing lesbians through animated gifs was an absolutely fantastic idea since maybe we could save a few bulky broads from falling into the evil, wicked clutches of the homosexual lifestyle. Why hasn't anybody ever thought of that before? Animated gifs would be a surefire way to "reform" those crazy fags; I guess my ideas are just ahead of their time. Unfortunately, Brigadeer General Matt Hale still felt my message was a bit too heavy-handed for his classy site. I feel like such a fool!

From: Rev. Matt Hale, P.M.
Subject: Re: Question about potential advertising on your site...

Dear Brother Richard!

Great to hear back with you. I am polite by nature, by the way. If I cannot do something, I'll simply say so rather than allow a guy to wonder. Your offer was quite beneficial and respectful and therefore, it would have been immoral for me NOT to respond. Now let me answer your questions:

1) We are right now rated 50,000 in the world which means that out of all of the many millions of websites, we are the 50,000 most traveled. Quite outstanding, actually. We are second to none in the White Racial Loyalist Movement.

2) We don't believe in utilizing sexual vulgarity to get our point across. It detracts from our message in my opinion.

3) Lastly, I have no experience with animation gifs. I am sure however that our webmaster could put you in the right direction. His email is [email protected]

I look forward to our hearing from you again soon! RAHOWA!

Rev. Matt Hale, P.M.
World Church of the Creator

"The Jew is through in 2002!" -Rev. Matt Hale in his "State of the Church"
Address Delivered on January 2, 29AC (2002)
Help the Holy Mission of the World Church of the Creator
White Liberation and Self-determination

Listen to the Church's dynamic Internet radio program!
Rahowa Radio International
"In Klassen We Trust: The White Power Hour with Rev. Matt Hale"!

Oh man, he doesn't know how to make "animation gifs!" What a letdown! After reading his various Pro-white Anti-everything else propaganda, I would've figured this guy had his act together. As an odd coincidence, the night I received his email I also saw him on an HBO special entitled "Hate.com," which portrayed him as the decent, upstanding, highly NOT-psychotic hero he is to millions of... well, something. I felt the documentary made him out to be a hate-mongering, ignorant, insane man, when in reality he's... I can't finish this sentence.

From: Richard Kyanka
Subject: Re: Question about potential advertising on your site...

Dear Rev. Matt Hale, P.M.,

Thank you once again for your reply. I appreciate your upfront honesty and forwardness and wish that all people, particularly political leaders, could be as courteous as yourself. It's hard to find people who have the same moral integrity and high standards as you in this world anymore, and believe me I've been looking. For example, I've lived in Vermont and Arizona, and I didn't find any of those people there. I even looked in the woodland areas and couldn't find any. Reading your responses is like a breath of fresh air and I am very thankful of the politeness you have shown to me.

I recently caught your appearance on that HBO special, "Hat.com." I feel that you were portrayed very negatively, what with the innuendoes towards you hating the Jews and blacks and such. They took a very one-sided and heavy handed approach towards implicating you in a large amount of crimes. If you were guilty of something, wouldn't you be in jail now? They should've brought that up, because if you're guilty then they throw you in jail. I know this personally due to the time I drove my car through the back wall of the Arby's because the damn Indian bitch working the fry machine was spitting in my food. They'll do that, you know. So I drove my car through the wall and it didn't really do too much damage to the Arby's but my car was crushed to bajeezus and back (not to use the Lord's name in vein). The cops hauled me out and gave me a beating even worse than the last time they grabbed me for domestic abuse charges, which is an entirely different matter because my ex-wife had panty eyes and was cheating on me with that Polish asshole down the block from me. I knew it from the time she came home and smelled like laundry detergent. Ah, I seem to be rambling here again. Sorry, I'm just in a bad mood because the pepper spray is still wearing off.

Anyway, I think you were unfairly portrayed in "Hat.com" because they didn't point out any of the positive things and community-building activities you encourage. Also, all the photos of your website were from so long ago and look antiquated compared to the slick professional design it now embodies. They should go back in and edit the "documentary" (I use that word loosely) to show pictures from your new website so people will know the true Rev. Matt Hale and not this evil entity they tried to pass you off as. For crying out loud, the photos of your website were old! That just goes to showcase the Jewish bias and influence they have, which must be overthrown as soon as possible, like by this weekend at least, because that's when they're showing "The Frighteners" starring Michael J. Fox. You should begin an email campaign to force HBO to edit their movie "Hat.com" with footage of your new website so they at least get ONE part of their biased propaganda correct. How do you feel about that so-called "special" regarding yourself and how they callously lumped you in with hate groups? I thought it was unfair so I wrote the executives this letter:

Dear HBO Executives,

Your portrayal of Rev. Matt Hale was offensive and one-sided. You mentioned the various so-called "hate crimes" tied to lone wolves who believed in the righteous teachings of the Reverend, but you failed to include pictures of his current website. I will no longer be subscribing to your cable network of lies until you correct this and edit your "Hat.com" so-called "documentary" with the truth, photos of the current WCOTC.com website. And please don't zoom in on the words so fast, as it causes my eyes so start going all crazy in the mouth and they get irritated, just like how I became after watching your "Hat.com" special.

A former customer,

Richard Kyanka

Is there anything else I can do to protest against this obvious Jewish attack against you and your followers? I tried to construct a picket sign but I realized I had no markers and I live far away from the HBO headquarters (which I believe is in the ultra Liberal faggot playground of California, a place where you are rewarded for getting AIDS from a ghetto street lamp). I already canceled my subscription with them, but I would like to continue to hit them "where it hurts": their pocketbooks (or fannypacks or whatever).

Now back to advertising.

1)Your website stats sound VERY encouraging. I feel that I would be getting my message out to millions when I advertise on your site, which I have decided to do after realizing that you are the only true warrior out there that is willing to fight for your beliefs and ignore the backstabbing and lies propagated by the Jews. They tried to propagate some lies against me the other day, but I tipped over their funnel cake stand (it was at the county fair) and then they knew I meant business. I understand that you can't resort to this type of response since you're a highly popular celebrity figure and the cops would be more than happy to bust you for tipping over funnel cake stands and the like, but your webpage offers so much more.

First off, what dimensions should my ad be and what filesize must it be under? Based on the dimensions of the ad (how tall and wide), I will offer a larger amount of money for a large chunk of space. Please let me know what options I have before I create the ad. The money I "came into" needs to be spent by July 27th, so I would *really* appreciate it if you could reply by then or else I'll have a tricky time getting access to it again. Once you give me a dimension size and a quote, I will be able to create an ad and offer you a price (or meet yours). This is a tax-deductible write-off, isn't it?

2) I understand your sentiment regarding sexual vulgarity. I will "tone down" the message of my ad so it does not detract from your important message of living in a Jew-free world. Would simply quote Scripture from Genesis 19 be adequate? Or perhaps I could have that Scripture passage above a picture of a well-known dead dyke such as Sylvia Plath? Would that be too "in your face?" I value your opinion, and since it is your website, I will abide by all terms and rules you set forth.

3) I have figured out how to create animation gifs. I did a search on the Jew-free Google search engine and found some freeware, antigovernment non-spyware programs that allow me to create signs that turn yellow and red and whatnot. They are very good and I can send you a link if you're interested. By the way, do you think the government is currently spying on this AOL account? I bet they are. Perhaps we should speak in code or something so they cannot understand us. If you have any anti-Jewish code you know of, please email it to me so we can have truly "private" conversations.

Once again, thank you very much for your reply. I still can't believe I'm communicating with a person as famous as you! If my parents were alive, they would be very proud. My dad worked in a lumber mill until the Jews took over the corporation and decided to "cut costs" by installing cheap fans above and, as a direct result, one of the lumber fans fell on his head and crushed him. It was at that moment when I realized the truth of what's happening out there and that for our white race to survive, we must band together and show strength, unity, and adhensimony. If you could, *PLEASE* reply back before July 27th, as I'm afraid I may run into some legal consequences if I don't cut you a check or arrange a formal agreement by then. The sooner the better.

Thank you very much and God bless,

- Richard Kyanka
RAWOHA!

PS: I do not hate the blacks as much as I hate the Jews. Will this be a problem?

At this point I realized the email correspondence was getting too long, and frankly, it wasn't exactly really fun pretending to be a racist. I decided to conclude this thrilling email prank with this message, the final email between our brief but enjoyable affair:

From: Richard Kyanka
Subject: Re: Question about potential advertising on your site...

Dear Rev. Matt Hale, P.M.,

I have just found out that I do not, in fact, hate the Jews or homosexuals or minorities. I had originally thought I hated all of them but my fiancee pointed out that I was confusing "Jews" with "sharks," "homosexuals" with "rush hour traffic," and minorities with "soccer." With this in mind, I must apologize for wasting your time and wish you the best of luck in your eternal quest to kill all people who disagree with you and your really wacky beliefs.

Thank you very much,

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

If I'm ever murdered in the immediate future, you can probably chalk it up to this series of emails. I put my life on the line for the sake of comedy! ROOHOWAH!!!

Who Knew Sex Could Be This Dull?

Zack here, it's that time of the month again! This week I'm bringing you a Hentai game that is so monumentally dull and tedious that it will bore your socks off of your feet, make them fall asleep, and then have dreams about their socks getting bored off. This powerhouse of tedium is entitled "May Club", and get this, the plot is about playing a computer game called "May Club"! AWESOME!



It would take incredible mental fortitude to romance multiple women simultaneously. The difficulty of this, caused by boredom and frustration at the timing system, is exacerbated by the fact that almost all of the girls look and act the same as each other. I have a nebulous memory of a sort of existential overgirl that consists of a shy office type who is upbeat and childish and seems to be deeply troubled by something. I recommend this game for those masochists who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and wish to seemingly prolong the final days of their life until they actually see death as a release from monotony.

Oh daggone! I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had playing "May Club", bar none the "most exciting" Hentai "game" in "all of recorded history".

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

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