Fancy meeting you here...
An attractive older woman such as yourself, wearing that skirt, and walking alone at night in the gorilla part of town? What am I to think?
No, no, you haven't offended me. It's quite alright. Yes, I would be happy to beat you senseless and then rape you, but you need to understand that this is not how things are normally done.
It's alright, ma'am. You do not need to seek out such tawdry release from your unfulfilling marriage. Here, allow me to give you my card. That way you can call on me at any time rather than trawling these uncouth streets in search of illicit pleasures.It's OK, don't be ashamed. There is nothing to be ashamed of here, my sweet. Before we begin, I must ask you, are you certain this is what you want? It's purely a formality, I'm sure you understand, but I prefer all of my vicious rapes to be consensual. Also, I need you to sign this form acknowledging that I explained I am a gorilla. This is in case you later decide you would have preferred rape from a gibbon, chimpanzee, or orangutan.
Differences? Oh, well the gibbon prefers to use impliments during the beating. Improvised weapons, pots and pans, tree branches, whatever is handy. Chimps prefer horrific biting of the genitals and face. Some women like it rough, I understand, but I thought nearly all women enjoyed having noses. Orangutans are very gentle during the beatings, but they, well, I don't like to talk about it, but they tend to mess themselves during the rape portion.
No, no, I am a gorilla, ma'am. We never mess ourselves. This is a straightforward stove-your-head-in-and-rape-both-holes style assault. Legally, I can't guarantee your satisfaction, but I will say: satisfaction, highly probable. Do you have any questions?
Absolutely not. In over 700 rapes I have never once made a woman pregnant. I don't think it's poss-
Well, yes, I assume science could do that, but I'm no scientist. Really? A scorpion and an eggplant? No, I eat only organic. I just don't trust veg that comes from a lab.
Now, if I could ask something of you, I notice you're a smoker. I have some mints in my satchel here. I mean no offense, but would you mind eating one before we begin with the rape.
Alright, wonderful. Okay, do you want the surprise package, or the...? Ah, excellent. I'll just duck into that alleyway then. If you could maybe walk back and forth by the entrance a few times and then I'll come charging out and we can get started. Sound good? Great.
I'M RAPING YOU! OOOO OOOO OOO EEEEE!!! GET READY! HERE COMES SOME RAPE!!!!
Well of course it's supposed to hurt, the first part is a beating. No, I HAVE to do this part. I have some integrity as a rapist, if I just went around skipping the brutal beating and jumping straight to the rape you might as well call me a Regular Ape. Look, just shut up, you signed the...how about I knock you out for this? Does that work?
Good. Right, then...
Can you tell which is which?
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.