Laundry Room


WOW! Sometimes you have to get dirty to get clean, so let us get dirty for you. We'll do all the work in setting up a laundry room wherever you want in your basement. We'll provide technically functional appliances, we'll kind of try to rig up all the electricity and ducting, and we'll even add some finishing touches to make it feel like house.

Includes:

  • Extremely loud washer from "Magtag" slides and shakes across floor during operation.
  • Dryer blasts laundry-smelling hot air straight up into your child's bedroom.
  • Recycled wood paneling from a suicide estate sale.
  • Industrial sink that attracts centipedes.
  • Inadequate shelving comes installed with half-empty paint cans.
  • Water line runs 30 feet across the floor from inside weird, closet-sized room that smells like a swamp. Line occasionally kinks which causes "issues."
  • Free extensive water damage to everything in your basement.

Just $289! Act now and we will paint your concrete slab flooring one of three handsome colors that never quite dries, but attracts all of the dust in your basement.

Basement Bathroom


When you're in the basement sweeping up beetle husks and nature calls you don't want to have to try to use that sink in the creepy closet room that smells like a swamp. That drain goes straight into your washing machine now! Perfect for Blair Witching. What you need for your unfinished basement is an unfinished bathroom.

Includes:

  • Basic toilet, with seat and free lid, located just a wide stance away from the sump pump.
  • Gnats that somehow got into the sump pump. Might have been the banana we left on the toilet tank.
  • Privacy curtain made from the same paper material that rips and falls off a doctor's examining table.
  • Located beneath a vent, so all sounds are amplified and transmitted to the ground floor living room.
  • Uncomfortably close to the hot water heater.
  • Sink located only 50 feet away, in the tiny closet room.
  • No light within the privacy area.
  • Toilet becomes clogged on urine.
  • A badly-curled copy of a baby magazine that nobody remembers buying.
  • Spare rolls of toilet paper stored conveniently upstairs in the closet.

All for only $399! For only $49 more we will install a shower that drains improperly, leaks out of several joints, and is placed very close to exposed electrical outlets.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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