At a Glance: Masna (or Masaia, I can't tell with their stupid hi-tech font), the creators of the spectacular Assault Suits Leynos (aka Target Earth), also seem to have an appreciation for the fine art of sex. Hot, gay, man-sex. How do I know this? I played this game, an action I'll be regretting for a long, long, time.
Platform: SNES (Download Emulator here - 395k)
Download: Download ROM here - 1001 k
ALL ABOARD THE MANTRAIN!
Game Plot: This should serve as an example of why you should not download files from sites in Poland, especially when the file is described with a string of text similar to this: "sjavjenky rommy... boljay noxwob. bolshi fight za homosex (!!!)". This game is quite literally the single most concentrated mass of gay that I have ever in my life encountered. It's like a huge, flaming gay star exploded and collapsed in on itself, sucking itself down into a black, gay hole. The incredibly flagrant homosexuality in this game eclipses that of Gundam Wing: Endless Duel by several billion orders of magnitude. Endless Duel had intermission screens with the main characters in loose-fitting tank-tops. This game has large, oiled men in thongs with fairy wings dancing on flowers. It has huge, shadowy men thrusting their pelvises at the screen and characters whose combat moves include such powerhouse attacks as the "bend over and present your bare buttocks to your opponent, who happens to be a hugely muscled bald man wearing a loincloth." I don't think there really is a plot to this game. If there is, I really, really, really don't want to know it.
Weapons: Since this is a fighting game, each character has their own range of attacks and moves. The actual control layout is pretty good, and the movement (all the characters can fly, and so can move in any direction) makes it a rather unique experience. There're a wide range of attacks and they're matched with a good, intuitive control scheme. However, most of the good points about the gameplay mechanics are balanced out by the fact that THE GAME IS FULL OF NAKED MEN. ALL THE MOVES INVOLVE SOME DEGREE OF IMPLIED SODOMY. Super Mario Brothers was a good game, but if they replaced Mario with a muscleman in a speedo who "grew larger" when he touched "a mushroom", NOBODY, ANYWHERE, WOULD EVER, EVER PLAY THE GAME, EXCEPT MAYBE FRAGMASTER.
God, this is the WORST GAME EVER.
Enemies: Since this is a gay sex fighting game, the player characters and the enemies are all the same. There are 8 characters, each with his or her own style, technique, and HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SEXUAL INNUENDO. The characters include a lithe, loinclothed muscleman, a tight-pants kung fu guy, a woman who controls the ugliest pair of cherubs in existence, an Elvis robot, and a cute girl who seems to have had her lower body and the top of her head ripped off, with the remaining parts being surgically bolted to a tiny flying steamship which is crewed by three tiny, naked men. Further objections to good taste include a nude man in a flying bathtub, THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD OF WAR, and a strange blue thing which appears to be made out of latex. I have no idea what that blue thing is, but I'll probably be seeing it a lot in my forthcoming nightmares.
Number of Levels: Since this is a gay sex game, the "levels" are simply backgrounds that appear while your characters are "fighting" in midair. The various backgrounds include a field of giant flowers (complete with horrible, horrible fairies), a male version of the Statue of Liberty (with tiny male figures silhouetted in the eye windows), what is apparently a temple to lesbian and gay sex, a dreamy nightscape with the sun and the moon gazing lustfully at each other, and a real, honest-to-god mantrain complete with boxcars hauling suspiciously phallic vegetables. There are only 8 enemies in the game, with two fights per enemy, which makes about 16 actual fights to win the game, assuming no ties. There actually isn't that much variety, and the game isn't very long.
Number of Bosses: No bosses. If you get caught playing this at work, you won't have a boss anymore either, unless the guy at the head of the unemployment line counts.
Defining Moment: That would probably be the part right after the shock of seeing all the naked men wore off, at which point I realized that the game had a lot of sound effects too. Specifically, a lot of voice samples. You can probably see where this is going. Grunting, moaning, slapping, pounding, and various other (thankfully) unidentifiable audio samples grace this work. And what a piece of work it is.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
The Rom Pit is dedicated to reviewing the most bizarre and screwed up classic console games from the 1980's, the ones that made you wonder what kind of illegal substances the programmers were smoking when they worked on them. Strangely enough, the same illegal substances are often necessary to enjoy or make sense of most of these titles. No horrible Nintendo game is safe from the justice of the ROM Pit.