State Og Runs for Governor
State Og is not just a company, it's a... no, wait. It is a company. Sorry. Thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (lost his third nipple in the war), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (lost his eye in a tragic wartime frisbee accident), and Brett "nimmo" Hurban (got lost on the way to the war, and hey, found a nipple).
The Rise and Fall of Appleton Industries
Although State Og is undoubtedly the most powerful corporation in the world, we have actually been pitted against some close competition. It is with mixed feelings that I now announce the demise of Appleton Industries, our chief rival through the years. As head of State Og I am always pleased to see others fail, especially when they're crushed under our pink high heels (don't ask). Yet I'm sad to see this company go, since they were a constant source of friendly homicidal competition. Let's take a look at the sordid history of Appleton Industries, our favorite assholes.
1998 - Appleton Industries is founded, and begins construction of its headquarters directly inside State Og's branch office in lovely downtown Appleton. We counter by building an even smaller State Og branch inside Appleton Industries' headquarters. Appleton Industries contemplates building yet another location inside that one, but decides to build a large oak desk around our tiny branch office, sealing the fate of seven midget accountants.
1999 - Uruguay defeats Michigan 3-0 in women's field hockey
2003 - Appleton Industries gains tremendous success with two innovative products. First there's the PowerlessBook, the world's first laptop computer for slow-witted people who are intimidated by computers which are faster than they are. Then there's Hearing-Ade, the first sportsdrink for deaf people. The beverage is a hit due to their succinct and catchy slogan, "Hearing-Ade: helps you win races by running faster after you realize the starter pistol has already fired!" Seeing a potential to mooch off their success, State Og offers to help improve these products as only we can. One week after our deal is signed, both products pass our tests with a Lethal Pointless Explosion Rate of 150%. Appleton Industries' entire customer base is dead, as is our Og Deaf Jam basketball team.
It was all downhill after that. Due to budget cutbacks, employees had to use the company's own Razor-Sharp Office Supply line of products, and nearly the entire staff perished as a result in a few tragic but hilarious hours. I never did understand the razor sharp office chairs. Scissors or even envelopes I get, but chairs? The only person remaining in Appleton Industries was a confused old janitor named Chet. By default, he was named president of the company yesterday, and died later in the afternoon while trying to develop a poisonless hemlock cola. State Og will pay tribute to this fine company by producing the soda ourselves and naming it Appleton Cola, now with twice the hemlock!
State Og Helps Parents Help Themselves!
State Og would like to announce a new special product for all the mommies and daddies out there who have to put up with unruly offspring; kids who don't always do what they're told, and make messes and pester you with their loud "playing." Many of these poor stressed out parents might look at counseling or even medication to help control their overly boisterous progeny, but who really wants to put their faith in physicians or board-accredited mental health workers who aren't going to treat the root of their child's problem: evil spirits.
With the new State Og Home Exorcism Kit, those pesky demons that make your little youngster misbehave can be removed in a simple step-by-step process. Upon opening your new kit -which includes everything you need to get started- you'll find a handsome certificate ordaining you a priest in the respected Roman CathOGlic church. Now you're ready to find out if your kid is possessed. He or she better be, since we don't give refunds.
How do you find out if your child is in league with Lucifer? Why, you explicitly ask him if he's being controlled by the devil, silly. We realize demons lie almost as much as children, so our kits help ensure you get the correct answer. Remember, nothing ensures you get a truthful answer from a possible possessed child like the liberal use of holy water, especially when it is dispensed though the portable State OG Holy Chinese Water Torture Chamber, conveniently included in the kit. If after several hours your child still hasn't admitted to be being Satan's vessel, tell him or her you'll release them after confessing they are. If the demon falls for this trick, show it you mean business by pushing the button that stops the steady drip of holy water and replaces it with a steady drip of holy hydrochloric acid.
At this point, you're ready to perform the actual exorcism. Actions speak louder than words, so instead yelling at your child something lame such as, "The power of Joe Piscopo compels you!" like a common jackass, we at State Og recommend physically forcing the troublesome-spirit out. Since it is assumed in popular culture that the demons' natural habitat (Hell) is filled with lots of hot stuff like fire, lava, and the fiery Latin rhythms of Tito Puente, we can safely assume that they hate cold stuff and force-feeding your child our special State Og brand Holy Water Ice Cubes should force the Dark One out. Don't worry, our kit contains a special funnel just for this task. Eventually, you should see the devil jump out of your kid. When you do, please remind him not to be late to State Og's next weekly staff meeting. Of all the things our Dark Lord is, he certainly isn't punctual, that's for sure.
State Og is Bankrupt
Yes it's true; we are bankrupt. According to United States laws State Og is completely out of capital. You see, in a moment of weakness, State Og took pity on a poor, impoverished may fly. The fact that these pitiful creatures only live for one day touched our hearts. How can any creature have a fulfilling life when it only lives for 24 hours? We had to give this poor soul a legacy, something to let the world know that he was here.
State Og transferred nearly all of our assets to the creature, but decided not to transfer any liabilities. For example, we have given the fly ownership of our cell phone division, its equipment, and employees; but have decided not to transfer any open contracts over to him so that he would not have to put up with such a burden. As a result we no longer have the resources to maintain any of our liabilities. We have struck a deal with the courts and under chapter 11 we have cancelled all of our contracts and are no longer responsible for paying any debts to any of our debtors. From the instant you read this sentence, you are no longer under contract for any phone services, security systems, insurances, or any other contract.
Looks like the may fly has just died. Seeing as he did not bother to write out a will, all of his assets will now be returned to the original owner: State Og. You are all now required to pay the early cancellation fees for your contracts, and then pay the reinstatement fees for them as well. If you choose not to do so, you will be instantly put onto a credit blacklist and required to send any State Og equipment that you currently possess back to us at your own expense.- State Og Representative
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!