This week we learned a costly lesson which we'd like to pass along to our loyal customers: do NOT use nitric acid-laced water coolers and urinals made of pure glycerine in the same workplace. They're both surprisingly cheaper than the same products made with normal materials, but it's just not worth it. The great footage you'll find on your illegally-placed bathroom security cameras will come close to making it worth it though. Special thanks this week go to: Brett "Nimmo" Hurban and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson.
The Ultimate Patent
I was recently put in charge of State Og’s patent research department after a tragic accident had befallen the previous head of the department. But he was fat and tacked Dilbert comics on his cubicle so we have already spent more time talking about him than he deserves.
The way we run things in our patent research department at State Og may be a bit different than the way things are done at most companies, so let me fill you in on the way things work here. First off, we do not research patents before applying for one. We usually just go ahead and apply for a patent on a product we have just created, and if there happen to be any problems as a result, we outsource that task to another company called “mercenaries”. What the State Og patent research department does is the complete opposite. We search for patents that have been submitted and then apply for nearly the exact same patent.
This results in cease and desist action against State Og, which we usually ignore, followed by a costly lawsuit which we usually lose but fight with the fury of some kind of ferocious thing anyway. Why would we engage in such pointlessly costly acts? Because the more we tie up the court system with worthless tasks, the longer it takes for our court dates in things such as racketeering, corruption of a minor, corruption of an eel, and “causing a huge fucking flood.”
And now for the ultimate patent: I have managed to accidentally do some actual patent research while searching for a certain type of niche pornography. The end result is that I have patented the US patent system. State Og now owns the rights to all procedures and processes of the US patent office, as well as all powers given to it by law. That means that we now have the power to patent things that the US patent office normally would not allow to be patented, such as: water, light, and pictures of coral snakes.
Also, due to State Og holding the patent to the written language, you owe us a check for 20 cents for every word you have written or typed since yesterday. Also, please be sure to include payment for the words you will be writing on the check.
The Value Side Of The Force!
Are you a bad Jedi? Not evil or dark, I mean bad. Is your ability to sense immediate danger so poor that you can sit calmly in a state of dull-witted obliviousness while your lowly tauntaun freaks out because it, with its simple non-Jedi senses, knows there is an eleven-foot tall, lumbering wampa snow-monster clumsily hobbling its way towards you to swat his paw across your dumb face and the jaw slackly hanging off it? After someone else came by and saved your sorry ass, how did you celebrate your salvation? Did it involve sharing a long, deep kiss with the sister you also couldn’t detect– a sister who “somehow” has “always known” she was your sister but did so anyways, by the way (Some family line, sport)? Do you lose lightsaber duels against people who are in such wretched physical shape that they depend on life-support suits and have so many prosthetic limbs and organs that they land their TIE fighter in parking spaces reserved for the handicapped? If these sound like things you would do, don’t worry. We at State Og have the products and services that can quite possibly salvage your career as a fighter of evil or at least minimize the damage you do to your own side.
A Jedi’s best friend: While some Jedi like to have an apprentice assist them, do you really want to take that level of responsibility of being that person’s sole teacher when there’s a chance that you’ll be assigned some testy Padawan who won’t listen to you when you tell him to resist the temptation to give into hate, not to become the hatchet-man for an evil empire and to always wash his hands after going to the bathroom? Do you really want to take the blame when he wipes out all the Jedi and helps subjugate the known galaxy or is discovered to be the main source of a large outbreak of hepatitis? Now there’s a compromising solution to having no apprentice at all and having a crappy one: Jedi pets!
Imaging the following scenario: You are fighting a Dark Lord of the Sith, a foe whose raw aggression and honed skill makes him a danger to even a master Jedi, but you are safe because your State Og Brand Jedi Dog uses the force to rapidly charge in and dry hump the Sith’s leg with such rapid ferocity that the Dark Lord’s pants ignites in flames. Next, your Jedi Cat leaps into action, but senses a bird nearby and runs off to kill it and all other small animals in a five-kilometer radius with its Force choking ability. Later, if your cat returns, it will promptly ignore you and take a nap, using the Force to put up a barrier against all sound waves around it so the noise of your melee doesn’t disturb it. Fortunately, your Jedi Cat’s services are unneeded, because you’ve already walked up to the immolated Sith lord and bravely cleaved him in half as he begged to be taken to the nearest Burn Trauma Clinic.
Friends a Jedi does not need: If you’re a Jedi then you already know what a hassle it is when an unexpected guest appears and starts telling you what’s what. You know who I’m talking about: ghosts! Dead Jedi are always pestering the living ones and telling them what to do. Well, if those Jedi ghosts really had their act together they would be a little less dead then they are now, so nobody can blame you if you want them to literally go to Hell and stay there. Fortunately, a little State Og Brand Ghost Repellant smells so revoltingly bad to ghostly noses that it will drive away unwanted spirits almost as fast as it does the living ones. But don’t worry! The absence of people will soon be filled instead with raccoons, jackals and other scavengers, like Jawas, who will be attracted to your new scent of decaying bantha carcasses.
So if you’re a Jedi who needs a little help carrying out your duties, stop by our main office and see the full catalog of products and services we can offer you for a low price. Hell, one of our salesmen will probably waive the cost if you help him score with that weak-willed hottie of a receptionist who works at the front desk. If you’re a Jedi who doesn’t feel he needs help, stop by anyways. While we know the monastic lifestyle of the competent Jedi doesn’t allow you guys to buy much stuff for yourselves like sports cars, ivory cigarette holders, or groceries (We’re sure Jedi just use their influence over the weak-minded to persuade small animals to march down their gullet to get their daily sustenance and use small, tightly concentrated pieces of the Force in place of toilet paper.); come on down and ask about our free State Og Worldly Pleasures Jedi Temptation Package. If you try it and after 30-days are not totally swayed to the dark side, we’ll pay for the methadone treatments you’ll need.- State Og Representative
Is the world ready for Staind By Me, St@nd By e-Me, and Crank 3: Stand By Me?
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
State Og... what is it? Who knows! Where do they operate? No clue! All we know is they're fairly evil, and nobody dares question the might of State Og!