If life begins at conception then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 28, 2014
Wow I can't believe Obama wants to transform America into a giant flat checkerboard plane with chrome spheres floating above it— supermoof (@supermoof) January 29, 2014
well i'm basically the amanda palmer of the vape mod community so— Lydia Burrell (@LydiaBurrell) January 29, 2014
Hi I'm The Weed Smoker Hope Uoure Having A Blazin Day And Blazin Night. Stay Blazed - Weed Smoker— Horney BodSkeleton (@kawaiidildog) January 30, 2014
1970s: pubes are awesome, let's all grow huge pubes! 2010s: no pubes, shave off the pubes! 2040s: tobto pubetar! Orf ploff puba puba torbtar— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) January 30, 2014
#SexyRestaurants mcdonals uh with pussy showing. aim loving it"— Ann Boobus (@a_girl_irl) January 30, 2014
No, no let me. I insist. *rips open velcro wallet*— tony logan (@tnylgn) January 30, 2014
lou bega beckons his son closer and whispers something as he dies. it was either Mambo number sex or mambo number six the son couldnt tell— Dink Magic (@DinkMagic) February 1, 2014
Dave Navarro has been sued for attempting to tour as the Red Hot Chili Peppers three separate times since being fired in 1998.— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) February 1, 2014
Dad just started Skyrim. He named his character "dad"— Ur Glam Pal Charlie™ (@CannibalKisses) February 2, 2014
one time i was getting coffee and a dude was trying to impress a girl by talking about npr and he literally just recited the schedule— adam (@burgerkrang) February 2, 2014
by body is dyeing and rejecting the progresso i ate...— Greaser Heart Throb (@MuscularSon) February 3, 2014
Tony died at the UFC and this account is now run by his friend Cody from karate class— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) February 3, 2014
A Marine is in a class with an Atheist Professor. "I came back from war simply to find the Knock out game?" - Please Share With Old People— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) February 4, 2014
steven tyler: draym on draym ohn draym ohn *screeching* druraym ooohhn dryam oon *screeching gets louder* DRAYHM OOOHHN DRAYM OOON DURAWYM O— Barbara (@fat_barb) February 4, 2014
the best part about browsing a deviant art gallery is seeing the artist literally not improve at all over many years and hundreds of images.— Coenraad (@gewqk) February 4, 2014
HEY I'M IN LAS VEGAS, COME SEE ME AT THE INTERNATIONAL BUILDER SHOW TODAY, I WILL BE AT THE LUMBER LIQUIDATORS BOOTH.— Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) February 5, 2014
anyone know if there are any jobs for models that require the models to be extremely ugly? my uh friend is wondering.— volte (@vvvolte) February 5, 2014
siri why am i like this— . (@rachel_linda_) February 5, 2014
About me: I was born in the woods. I've never been vaccinated. I cannot wait for the Winter Olympics— Pal (@sickpal) February 6, 2014
I heard my first husband was at the Winter Olympics opening. I didn't see it, but they said something about a big flake that wouldn't work.— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) February 8, 2014
Guy next to me at the airport is listening to the Tia Carrere version of "Ballroom Blitz." Asking airline rep if I can be upgraded to Him.— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) February 8, 2014
this guy at the gym said it was "neck day" and all of the sudden 100s of women flocked to him and his muscled neck— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) February 8, 2014
The day you were born was the proudest moment of my life. 2nd proudest was when I refused to stop vaping at a hockey game & got arrested.— stefan (@boring_as_heck) February 9, 2014
Filling my insulin needles with bud lite and emptying my shotgun into this fuckin tree in the Food Lion parking lot— Man Yelling.wmv (@ApparatusMan) February 9, 2014
my gf left me a voicemail just to tell me she's pertinent or w/e and I'm like yeah I read The Economist too— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) February 9, 2014
INTERESTING FACT: It was actually Procter who lost it all on the horses, and Gamble who spent all his free time administering tests— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) February 10, 2014
You can lead a horse to water polo but people will be all "whoa wtf get that horse out of here."— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) February 10, 2014
One man's struggle to save the housing market from unexpected murders.
Prepare yourself for quite possibly the most effective use of "BOWL" as a sound effect.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!