Disney is opening an Avatar theme park in 2017! My favorite ride is called THE STILTED DIALOGUE!!!— billy eichner (@billyeichner) October 13, 2013
I know why we have such a hard time figuring out who bansky is...... hes Manti Teos girlfriend © 2013 Lowenaffchen All rights reserved— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) October 14, 2013
if you dont immediately text me back i say "welp, guess im gonna hit the hay now :-/" if you say some shit like "K" i will crash my car— deg (@degg) October 15, 2013
"I... bungle... up... your... HEALTH CARE!! I BUNGLE IT UP!" -THe Obugler— Hot Pumper (@Perfect_Beanis) October 15, 2013
Ya dude I'm def down for some buffalo wings, beer and football! Hell ya! Lemme just change my big ol' diaper first— Lennox BoOoOoman (@LennoxTruman) October 15, 2013
about to have a very intense meeting and presentation. i have one beer in my trunk to chug when i am finished— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) October 15, 2013
When you award a star on twitter, one disappears from the universe, extinguishing life on the planets it had irradiated.— Spooksickle (@wimpsicle) October 17, 2013
these chronicles are riddick-ulous— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) October 17, 2013
nice, a tribute band, sick. all of my favorite band's music except it's being played by not the band. I hope I can pay money for this.— stefan (@boring_as_heck) October 17, 2013
When Jared dies, two Subway artists in full uniform will come to his mother's door with the neatly folded big-ass jeans.— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) October 17, 2013
There's def a huge ball of undigested lipstick in my colon, boys (wink)— Marlo Meekins Ⓜ️ (@MarloMeekins) October 17, 2013
the moon is full tonight. i took my hair out of its pony tail and took off my shirt— Ben ''OG Bad Boy'' (@MuscularSon) October 18, 2013
Oh yeah? Would a pussy dad do THIS? *quietly crafts a cogent but gentle argument for why The Wallflowers still own* Pussy Dad, coming to ABC— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) October 18, 2013
Got beat at Big Buck hunter by a cop— Kat (@katsnacks) October 18, 2013
Fake ass x ray machine I kno that fool just watching a long ass sigur ros video pretending it's a picture of the inside of our bags— KOOL A.D. (@veeveeveeveevee) October 18, 2013
this patch on my jacket of an owl flying into an open garage means im a captain in the Garage Crapping Crew— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) October 18, 2013
follow me on tumblr for the hottest comic book artwork picture, video game joke picture, subtitle on anime picture, naked girl (rare), cat f— Weed Supreme (@ArcturusFats) October 18, 2013
my uncle claims he was the first man to ever smoke weed on a submarine— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) October 19, 2013
"Tell my wife I love her very much -" "She knows." "Ok well I'm about to die alone in space so maybe just tell her again? Fuckin be cool?"— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) October 19, 2013
the worst vitriolic hate lobbed at Clinton was like "oh why dont u go have sex again u saxophone!". guess what color Clinton is.— DVS (@DVSblast) October 19, 2013
Miller 64 is Miller High Life after one pass through a body.— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 20, 2013
2016 GOP Candidates: 42 Slate articles on recumbent bicycles, the guy who yells "whoo, yeah" when Al Bundy appears, the Smurfs 3 screenplay— Haunton Atonto (@crushingbort) October 20, 2013
Just saw another baby dick on Facebook.— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) October 20, 2013
Pepe LePew sure wanted to fuck that cat.— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) October 21, 2013
does anyone have any ideas about what to do on a date if you're made of pure energy and cannot interact with the corporeal world— volte (@vvvolte) October 21, 2013
God doesn't close a door without also locking it— elan gale (@theyearofelan) October 21, 2013
I blame Twitter for the fact that my iPhone autocorrects BUTTSEX into all caps.— krp (@KayArePea) October 21, 2013
The name of my sex tape will be "Great Mom Someday."— Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) October 21, 2013
what i wouldnt give to see the thong peeking out the pants of a football guy— Greg (@weedguy420boner) October 22, 2013
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!