Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
as yuo may haev heared, I was in a little "run in" with teh law and was why I couldant do my colamn last week. Jerry and me were at teh Wall mart and were lookeing at bying canoe oars becuase were building a boat car too drive in teh creek, and I picks up one of teh paddales and says "HEY JERRY, IM KEITH CORAGE!!!" and I started swinging teh paddal around and I hit some kid with teh paddal and Jerry says "LOOK JEFF, YUO HIT A HOME RUN, HA HA!" and then the kid started crying and Jerry got a cigaret lightar and saids "HEY KID, DONT SMOKE TEH DRUGS, USE HUGS NOT DRUGS!" and tried to maek teh kid eat teh cigarette lightar then teh securaty guard cames and Jerry and I ran becuase they didnt haev Deer Huntar 3 anyways and Wall Mart si for teh WHITE TRASH!!!! and Jerry lieks Nascare to, we buys Nascare fish to play with, I AM DALE EARHEART AND I RACES TEH CARS AND EAT FISH
dale Jerrart is for fagots so I will not buy that fish but yuo can buy Nascare fishes at FATASS to, so I drew a fish I wants to give to John Romeo for his vary good game Daykatania. he has frogs and bugs and now I maed some attacks fish for his gaem. YUO CAN PAY ME LATER JOHN ROMEO, I HELP DAIKATA BECUASE OF MY LOVE FOR TEH GAME SIR, LIEK YUO AND EYE ON STORM. maeybe yuo can use it as an expansian pack, "DAYKAITANA: REVENGE OF SUPARFLY'S JOHNSON".
ONTO TEH LETTARS! now
From: Sterling Gafford
Subject: Love yourself, man!
say, Jeff . . . why do you hang around with that Jerry guy so much . . he's always getting you guys into trouble and hurting people and stuff. It just seems like you should find some different friends because you seem like a very nice guy who is very smart and could get a lot of friends. You don't need to feel like you need to do what ever Jerry wants you to do. You need to be your own person with your own ideals and really get to know yourself. Also, what is lactose intolerant? P.S. Have you ever heard of a guy named Lee who works for Fountainhead Entertainment? He could really help you out if you have some identity problems.
Jerry is a good freind, SARAH WAS bad! she turned brothar against brothar liek the story about Cain and Mable from teh Bibal (even though we are not brothars). I remembar Bibal lessons when I was a kid, here si teh story of teh Bibal of Cane and Marbel:
Cain sewed wild oats one day, when Arby went "DAD IM GOING TOO LOS VEGAS TOO GAMBAL MY SAVEINGS AWAY" and his dad cried. Then Kaine says "dads, I wants too get Micorsoft certificatian and works fro Bill Gates" and dad says "I cries for yuor brothar, now I cries for yuo" and Cane worked vary hard to grow beans and his dad says "ENOUGH BEANS, I WANT CORN NOW" and Cane says "am I not my broithars keepar???" and dad says "Moses leads me to freedome"! Then the pilar of fire came and turned Los Vegas into pilars of salt and gaev Job sores. SO Mable came back and dad welcomed him with opan arms and said "A friend ofg teh Lard si a friend of mine" and son says "DAD I LOVES YUO!@!!" and Cane says "But dad, I works vary hard in teh farm and I mined presious iron ore for yuo, but yuo dont love me" and dad says "I nevar loved yuo, yuo were an awful son" and Cane says "YUO HAEV RUINED YUOR LANDS, BROTHAR< YUO WILL NOT RUIN MINE!" and he kills Marby. Then there was teh book of Easykill and it was about zebras with wheels#.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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