In the future both unidentified males and females will be referred to as Jayden Doe— slickhairboy (@Hellaphantitis) September 23, 2013
*eats several sleeves of crackers/sweaters*— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) September 23, 2013
probably the funniest noises you could hear during a funeral would be an actual donkey bray (eeyore noise), or the sound of dial-up internet— Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) September 23, 2013
egg land isn't a real country. egglands best is a fucking sham. im shaking. don't buy— Neon ''Butch' Wario (@neonwario) September 23, 2013
is it wrong to take a crap on the lawn of this best buy in protest that they have grumpy cat merchandise— meh (@idontlikethings) September 23, 2013
The most insidious prison is the one that needs no locks, no guards, the one where inmates slouch gladly into their cells. #Emmys— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) September 22, 2013
i bought a pinetree car freshener and it i the worst, most pungent smell. I hate this air freshener and I hate myself for buying it— Timothy Faust (@crulge) September 22, 2013
There was always that one kid in school who was teased mercilessly about his name... I wonder whatever happened to Kyle Dickinmybutt?— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) September 22, 2013
cant wait to get home and take this fuckin bra off. let my cans fuckin loose man— deg (@degg) September 22, 2013
The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) September 22, 2013
If you have a dream catcher on your rear view mirror I assume you sleep in your car— Brunette_babe (@AlexIsCool69) September 22, 2013
Just saw Shaq on TV and said out loud "I love Shaq"— Todney or whatever (@rodney_berry) September 22, 2013
i would really like to formally apologize for being a bad, crude, immature account all these years. i really shit the jacuzzi on this one— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) September 21, 2013
Oh hey, didnt see you there. My name is ishmael. My whole life from the passed to now ive always thought that a whale was cool— John V (@wettbutt) September 21, 2013
judge: you are sentenced to death for irony. any last words me: Simpsons new seasons are better than old ones [escapes in the ensuing chaos]— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) September 20, 2013
*billions of years from now when the sun consumes the earth* WORLD STARRRRR— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) September 20, 2013
Take your 60% less salt triscuits and get the fuck out of my house— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) September 19, 2013
In the moonlight, the hayfields shone like the frosted tips of a youth minister #fall— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) September 18, 2013
Whenever someone ends their email to me with "Cheers" I always wonder how they knew I was drinking— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 17, 2013
I tried to wake & bake earlier but I accidentally shattered my bong on the boat motor— john truckasauras (@chuchugoogoo) September 16, 2013
People who use the ;-) face scare the shit out of me— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) September 14, 2013
Become an economist? In THIS economy?!— Lynn Bixenspan? (@lynnbixenspan) September 14, 2013
Hard hitting investigative reporting on why dog wieners are in the middle of their tummies— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) September 13, 2013
My phone is at 1% and I can only legally drink at this restaurant for 45 more minutes so this is my suicide note.— amber (@soleilalaplage) September 13, 2013
i put a hot dog in my pants and whipped it out on video and smashed it with a hammer then i watched the video and immediatly deleted it— Trent (@BurgerDude1488) September 13, 2013
in highschool i ruined my friend's reputation on his favorite gameboy emulator forums by registering an account pretending to be his grandpa— vrunt (@vrunt) September 13, 2013
wife on delivery room table screaming, husband holding her hand, doctor yelling PUSH, little steaming red hot car drives out of her pussy— BAKUN (@BAKKOOONN) September 13, 2013
thanks for embarrassing me in front of george lucas by A) repeatedly calling him george lupus and B) asking him about "space incest"— stefan (@boring_as_heck) September 12, 2013
I went to dennys today and bought the double decker rootin tootin mother fucker for $9.99— The Prez (@Perfect_Beanis) September 12, 2013
Shy construction crew just blushing and kicking at the ground every time a lady walks by— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) September 10, 2013
More fake science from the mainstream scientists: Dr. Schrodinger claims cat is dead, but cat is alive and a dog.
Yeah, I went there. And I'll go there again. Don't believe me? I'm there ALREADY.
These all just look like normal cats to me.
From what I understand, this genre is about getting eaten by crocodiles. I excel at this.
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