Before each and every show late night talk show hosts come out and say, "We have a great show for you tonight!" You know damn well that not every show is great. I wish they would just be honest a couple of times a year and say, "Tonight's show is really terrible. We're tired, we don't care, just bear with us here." Unlike Jay Leno I have some integrity. Today's Weekend Web is just terrible. We've got a long drawn out monologue, a boring actress who drones on about God knows what, an unfunny comedian, and a band you've never heard of. Our skit is half-assed shit you've seen a million times before. Enjoy this teen forum and remember to put the lid down when you're done.

I can't begin to count the number of threads I've seen about teenage boys who jerk off together. Does this happen a lot? I mean, is it just no big deal to jerk off with your friends? The idea of heterosexual teenage boys jerking off together seems odd to me.

It's when you get something stuck up inside of your anus and try to figure out how you're going to explain it to the doctor.

Peter please! I'm holding lemonade!

How does this become an issue? Do the kids sit around asking eachother, "Hey do you ejaculate yet?" They find out who the one kid who can't bust a nut is and start making fun of him relentlessly, "TOMMY CAN'T SQUIRT! TOMMY CAN'T SQUIRT! NYAH NYAH NYAH!"

If the morning after pill doesn't work the morning after trip down the stairs will.

Something tells me masturbating isn't the only thing he did in his brother's room.

One time when I was around six or seven years old I used to like to pee in this old woman's bushes. One time she came out while I was doing it and asked me if my toilet was broken. I ran my ass back into the house and to this day I can't use a public urinal.

Something Awful is like the Crusades. We travel across the internet converting non-believers to our ways and if they resist we destroy them by making snooty comments about them on our web page.

THE INTERNET WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE NON-BELIEVERS.

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