Rock and Roll and Cola Wars: I Can't Take it Any More. We Didn't Start the Fire.

I'd review it.

I just love reviewing things. Hell, I'll review anything, be it popcorn or prosthetic limbs. Mainly this is because I enjoy sharing my valuable and always completely correct opinion with the rest of the innocent world, but also I feel that it is my duty to convert as many people as possible to my way of thinking so that when I eventually have some time to take over the world I will be able to weed out who lives and who dies by a simple candy taste test or question about a popular music artist. Poetry in motion.

For some reason, lately the soda conglomerates have seen fit to release products that should never have been released under the guise of names like "soda" or "pop" or "silly-beverage" or "hippo spleen" or whatever it is that you people call it in whatever crazy part of Ethnia you live. They're weird and I don't like change and I want them to go away. Additionally, the marketing behind them is fucked the shit up, as you will soon see.

What the hell is with this stuff? I mean... what the hell!?!?

All of these new soda liquids look like the liquids that they have in test tubes in labs on B-grade sci-fi movies. This tends to be fairly intimidating when one thinks about ingesting all of that dye and whether the blue stuff is actually that blue stuff from the movie "Alien Terror Zombies" where the humans are forced to drink blue sludge and then become brain-eating monsters with very bad teeth. I guess that the whole "freakish color" theme is common among foods these days, though, because everywhere I go I see those ads for candy that turns your mouth a vibrant shade of something. Maybe kids have contests at school to see how bright and freakish they can make their tongue or their poop or their liver, but I really don't get it. Rather than think about how out of touch I am with the youth of today I'll just bask in my own sweet memories of collecting "Garbage Pail Kids" when I was younger and ignore the color trends around me which happily includes ignoring the iMac and all related products. Hip to the hop you can't stop the rock.

I couldn't really understand what the appeal of these sodas might be to the general public, but I decided that in all fairness I should probably drink them all and see if any sort of conclusions could be drawn or at least whether I could keep from vomiting. For each soda there is also a "Retard Rating" that I use to rank the target demographic's stupidity on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being the more retarded.Here's what I found:

Soda 1: Pepsi Blue

Color: MOTHERFUCKIING BLUE.
Company's Description: "Berry Cola Fusion."

Prepare for the tricked-up flavor fusion of berry and cola. Grab a bottle and get ready to give your taste buds a buzz of blue.

Yeah, ok. Um, this soda isn't very good, folks. It's not gut-wrenchingly bad, but it sort of smells and tastes like cotton candy, and drinking cotton candy is plain unsettling. It's also really sweet. Really, really sweet. If by "give your taste buds a buzz" they mean " deary Lord, drink a gallon of water to flush it out of your system ASAP" then I'd say their marketing is right on target. The Pepsi Blue website really seems to be trying to sell this stuff to young ricers who like the color blue as well as ricing; at least, that's what the following text would have me believe in their "Autopalooza" section:

Scope out some slammin' rides that are totally custom, inside and out, from wheels to sound systems. Even check under the hood to see what fuels their power and performance. Follow the mix of smooth jams and blasting bass to the Pepsi Blue booth. Stop by the Pepsi Blue car to get hooked up with some Pepsi Blue.

Ok, so we go to the car show and drink their soda and then we get to have a mad phat custom auto with blasting bass? Their website is full of terrible sound clips and lame little drum loops, so I'm not sure whether I want to learn more. I have learned from my taste experience that Pepsi Blue will not grace the inside of the refrigerator again, at least, not until I get a bigger spoiler for the car and some new performance rims. I've been saving up for months and Rich and I are going without food for two weeks so we'll be able to buy them sooner.

Retard Rating: 8

Soda 2: Dr. Pepper Red Fusion

Color: Red as an oft-spanked boy-ass.
Company's Description: Not much information on the modus operandi behind this soda can be found on the Dr. Pepper / 7-Up website:

"Consumers are telling us they want new, unique, refreshing and smooth-to-the-palate carbonated soft drink products in a quest to satisfy their thirst," stated Jack Kilduff, Dr Pepper president and chief operating officer.

Mmm YEAH Aww aww YEAH unnhh unnhh YEAH unh

How did they guess that this was what I wanted!? Oh, I didn't want this at all, sorry. The soda tastes pretty similar to Dr. Pepper in its "natural form," which I'm a fan of, I suppose. The only problem is that they added this cherry junk to it to make it taste like crappy cough drops and then added a lot of sugar so that it wouldn't taste as much lick crappy cough drops. This is probably fine that I don't like it all that much, because apparently it is meant for street-wise gangstaz lookin' for some chillin' soda pop.

To connect with the target audience, the voice-over is heavily laced with the latest urban street slang. Copy such as "You think I'm playin'?, Try it!, We'll see who's playin'," figure prominently in the new ads.

Red Fusion's distinctive flavor reflects the basic Dr Pepper taste, in addition to a variety of fruit flavors. This unique taste experience, combined with the brand's maverick appeal, is described in two of the spots as "the X factor." One of the radio spots states, "You put that X factor in a bottle and that's Red Fusion. It's the lone wolf, the loose cannon, the Underboss, the rogue cop."

Ok, so I am a hip hoppinin' gangsta bustin' up authority and I want me some Dr. Pepper Red Fusion now, BIZNITCHEZZZZ!! Get me some now, ho, before I bust a cap in yo' ass!! Cracka. I'm a loose cannon!! Get outta my way because I need me some soda!! I'm the lone wolf!! I'm the underboss!!! AOOOOOGAH!!! **BANG**

Retard Rating: 9

Soda 3: Mountain Dew Code Red

Color: Pinky Red Faggy Fag Faggy Fag.
Company's Description: "A sensation as real as the streets."

As real as the streets, huh? So I'd be drinking some Code Red and all of a sudden some crazy homeless man will wander up to me and ask me for fiddy cen so's he kin get a burrito? Or maybe I'll have to walk past that insane dude who talks to himself about the government being in league with the Freemasons and having a mind-control satellite that's reading our brain waves RIGHT NOW! Oh good, that means that I get to see a whole bunch of used condoms and rubber gloves on the ground and maybe if I'm lucky I'll also see some nutso hooker broad strung out on crystal meth trying to climb the street signs. I CAN'T WAIT, GIMME SOME MORE OF THIS AMAZING STREET SODA!!!

This soda blows. It tastes awful, even worse than regular Mountain Dew. I don't know even how to explain the way it tastes, but think of regular Mountain Dew with maybe a really cheap-ass cherry lollipop on the side and wash the whole thing down with some cool, crisp windshield washer fluid. The aftertaste that this stuff leaves in your mouth is nasty. It's like an old cherry flavored shoe. And believe me, I've eaten a lot of those crazy shoes in my day.

The Mountain Dew website doesn't have much to say at all about their soda. They just have a bunch of pictures of basketball players and hip hop stars and some terrible looping drum music. I guess that I must be a fan of one of these venues or be a basketball star or hip hop lady myself in order to fully appreciate (read: tolerate) the truly disgusting flavor that this soda has to offer. In the mean time, I'll have to get my street life fix by actually going outside, dammit.

Retard Rating: 7

Soda 4: Vanilla Coke

Color: Thankfully, mercifully, brown like poop.
Company's Description: "Vanilla Cake is the smooth new taste that is intriguing from the very first sip."

This charmingly predictable hipster dufus would love Vanilla Coke because all other people who look exactly like him love it as well.

Well I don't know about that whole "intriguing" thing. I was just trying to get the music on their dumb website to stop in any way that I possibly could, but I did notice that it seemed to be geared toward hipster college student Joes and the like. They have a lot of little film clips you can download that feature people talking about how they like Vanilla Coke because it makes them feel like their gimmicky glasses are larger and their favorite indie bands haven't broken up yet and whatnot. I guess that they all hang out at the local coffee shop and talk all day about how great Vanilla Coke is and maybe write touching (non-rhyming) poems about it.

Apparently these kool kat kollege freaks can't tell the difference between real and fake vanilla, but damn, I sure can. The vanilla that they put in there is super-gross (not to be confused with its cousin, mildly gross) and I really can't drink more than a sip of this stuff. At least it's brown. I don't want to drink too much of it for fear that I should start talking about "venues" or wanting to go to poetry readings or make a short film or something along those lines. Good thing I don't have to worry about drinking too much because it tastes like ass and I won't buy it again.

Retard Rating: 8

Soda 5: Mr. Pibb Xtra

Color: Just like Mr. Pibb un-Xtra.
Company's Description: (not really much)

I don't know why, but I've always felt sorry for Mr. Pibb. Maybe it's because of their really dumb-sounding name, maybe it's because they were such a blatant rip off of Dr. Pepper, who can say. But in any case, this Mr. Pibb website is an embarrassment to design. Why would I want to buy this product any more after viewing this terrible ad?

Uh... wow, alright, I will pick it up indeed! Because I also like to pick up basket balls..? Or, pick up a Mr. Pibb Xtra because if I don't, the 12-year old who designed this site will keep working and make even more horrors of the intra/webnette?

Ok, let me just say here that Mr. Pibb Xtra tastes in absolutely no way whatsoever different from Mr. Pibb (non-Xtra). Not a bit. They are the same. And Mr. Pibb for the most part tastes like Dr. Pepper, so this soda tastes fine, I guess. It's the dumb "Xtra" part that is super lame-o to the max, dudes.

On June 26, 2001, The Coca Cola Company introduced a new version of Mr. Pibb into several Texas test-markets, including Houston and Dallas. Several months later, Pibb Xtra made its way into other states, namely Kansas and Missouri. Currently, the new drink exists in a great number of states.

Oh, Texas was the test market, huh? Well thank you so much, Texas, for fucking it up for the rest of the world yet again. That's great. You're a shining star of America. We appreciate it. Apparently they are planning on phasing out the old Mr. Pibb for the Xtra version now. Will anyone even notice?

Retard Rating: 7

Well folks, there you have it. Five new sodas and five new approaches to the marketing of today's soft drinks. I don't think I fall into any of those demographics which is probably why I don't like any of their soda. If only there was a refreshing carbonated beverage marketed to nerds who spend hours and hours per day in front of the computer machine... Someday.

The Weekend Update With Cranky Steve

Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse has once again turned out a few particularly nasty tricks. There are two new reviews this week, one Quake 2 disaster zone and a Counter-Strike calamity, both of which are guaranteed to make you want to become a dead person.

"REoL TOUGH: Total War!" by George "King REoL" Fiffy Given King REol’s history of being an obsessive raving lunatic, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Total War’s text file is a giant 4-page manifesto that takes at least twice as long to finish as the map itself. Reproducing it here in its entirety would probably break the copy/paste function on my computer so instead here are just a few choice snippets. The best part is where Fiffy admits that even after 5 years he still couldn’t get the skybox to work, just another example of the high standard of mapping that has made “REol Tough” the household name it is today. Why anyone would want to celebrate the 5th anniversary of this map is a mystery to me. Imagine the worst Doom map ever made converted to Quake 2 and then repeatedly dipped in raw excrement until all the positive aspects of both games have been replaced with fullbright brown rectangles and you’ll have some idea of how head-explodingly awful Total War is. Actually, that’s still probably too generous of a description. A truly accurate summary of this map would involve the use of purely theoretical words that use “shit” as both a prefix and a suffix.

"Insane_Desert" by Mr. Quick Well, let’s see. The counter-terrorists will be able to climb up the ladder at the beginning, but only because they will be too far down to be rendered on the terrorists’ monitors. Once they come within the Half-Life engine’s maximum draw distance, it will take approximately 2.5 seconds for all of them to be wiped out. All the terrorists will have to do is point their guns down at the climbing CTs and fire. This should result in lots of headshots, since, you know, if your head is facing toward someone and they point their gun at your head and pull the trigger your head is where the bullet would go. And even the voice of common sense, which would be screaming “TAKE AN ALTERNATE ROUTE”, won’t help, because there are no alternate routes to take, and if you’re a CT the only thing you can do in this map is climb repeatedly to your quick and painful death. I’m guessing Mr. Quick’s entire family was killed by a SEAL team member and making this map was his method of revenge.

Wow! Those two maps seem more fun than a bucket of hair! Head over to The Whorehouse and check out these two stunning beauties!

– Integral