If you're like most office workers, you bid your workmates farewell early Friday evening as you prepare to embark on a two-day journey of errand-running and self-discovery. It's important to part from them with an appropriate salutation, so that they won't develop negative feelings that could fester in your absence, leading them to spend their time away from their professional obligations plotting your downfall. Something like "best weekend wishes!" should suffice.

However, let's say you're leaving them for a longer span of time, like a few months or forever. If you go out on a bad note, the watercooler discussion at the old workplace will inevitably degenerate into exchanges such as this:

  • "Boss, can you believe that jerk who used to work here, how she just left without eloquently communicating how bittersweet it felt to pursue her exciting new opportunity because it meant leaving us and all we have to offer?"
  • "It's an utter disgrace, Finley, which is why I'm changing the entire focus of our business from pipe manufacture to the complete ruination of her life!"
  • *Gathered employees cheer*

To prevent this sort of mob scene, Will Jones compiled "51 uniquely written templates" for people to distribute on the way out the door. "My most recent client, Emma, left her job as a sales administrator," Jones reveals. "She's always telling me about the number of emails she gets from her fellow colleagues praising her on how touching and sincere her goodbye letters was." Because nothing says "touching" and "sincere" like a form letter purchased online!

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful