It seems that America's funny man, Tom Cruise, has found a new lease on life during the past few years. Sure, some might call his new mannerisms "crazy", "dangerously crazy" or "so dangerously crazy that the government should hire Albert Einstein to go back in time and erase him from history ala the opening cinematics of Command and Conquer: Red Alert", but I am not one of those people (mainly because free speech isn't important enough to me to have my life ruined and the pants sued off of me for practicing it).
For the 3 of you who didn't watch that South Park episode from a year or so ago, Tom - as well as other celebrities - are members of a wonderful religion, that is in no way a cult, called Scientology founded by world renowned author L. Ron Hubbard who once completely coincidentally quipped that "if someone wanted to make a million dollars, they'd start a religion". Hubbard, of course, is well known for writing such classics as um... uh... well, I'm sure there are plenty. Besides, books are for nerds and dorks and not cool dudes like me. Who wants to spot me while I pump some iron? Hell yeah.
At any rate, I have a confession to make: Scientology is a great religion. There, I said it. In a world full of religions who's basic messages are all some version of "don't be an asshole, and you'll get rewarded for it after you die", Scientology has a much cooler, hipper, XXXtreme message for Generation X: "Give us money and we will remove the ghosts of aliens from your body". They are one hip cartoon cat mascot in sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap away from stealing the coveted 15-35 demographic away from atheism.
Don't believe me about how awesome Scientology is? Why, here are some more examples!
If that doesn't convince that Scientology is the coolest trend since hitting yourself in the face with a brick until you pass out (popular on the east coast during the late 80's), then consider this video. I suggest you consider it as quickly as possible before Tom Cruise and his squad of alien ghost lawyers descend upon it. I will admit that I haven't watched it; not out of lack of interest mind you, but because I don't want to commit thought-crime against L. Ron's litiganous legions.
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
In our new cat society, things have really gone from bad to purrse.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!