At a Walmart in Tallahassee, FL.. a man, about 6'5". He had grey hair in an Elvis-like pompadour. He was wearing a 5XL black t-shirt with the pictures of wolves and sequins for the stars and really tight cutoff jeans. I could see his moose knuckle.

Up in Virginia, there was a checkout girl that had 2 molars on the upper left hand side of her mouth, and that was it for teeth.

A 400 pound woman, and a pair of spandex pants two sizes too small. Dear god, why would you even try?

I don't remember exactly why or when I was in a Wal*Mart and regret ever being there deeply, but once, I saw a female employee with a moustache, and wearing nothing under the ubiquitous blue vest. I also once saw a child take a crap in a photo booth, and the asexual parent cover it with a diaper and walk away.

As for me, I saw a tubby young man of about 11 or so awkwardly shit himself, and wander around, trying to hide it. He kept asking where the bathroom was.

There was no bathroom.

That concludes our field trip to the magical kingdom of Wal-Mart. I'd like to give thanks, or "shout outs", to the Something Awful forum goons for being brave enough to share their harrowing tales about close encounters of the redneck kind. I would also like to blow a kiss of appreciation towards the artists who supplied their talents in the form of illustrations for this article. Gray Garrison, zim, Unconventional Oven, Red Flag!, CHICKENDINOSAUR, Gux and Polyunsaturated Cats, you're all on my Christmas card list this year! Next week, I will be interviewing destitute hobos and asking them whether they feel discriminated against by home make-over shows on TV. Join me then!

– Craig "Russ" Russell

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