i made an elephant disappear but i don't know if that means he's invisible or if he just is somewhere else. i'm not sure which is worse and i'm really worried about him

Death Bot

I swished my sleeve the wrong way and my dicks just gone. It's just fucking gone. It feels... Cold? Windy maybe?

Dads Dip Cup

my buddy : "haha nice suit. you look like one of those corny old-timey magicians. alakazoom!"

me : "I think you mean alakazam... wait, shit!" *my buddy instantly transforms into the donkey from shrek*


Accidentally grabbed my magicians cape instead of my towel when getting out of the shower. A puff of smoke and I went straight down a secret hatch into my downstairs neighbors apartment. Third time this week.


Really convenient how I can pull an unlimited number of doves out of my pockets. Makes it really easy to shoplift, I just act like I'm reaching for my wallet and POW, several handfuls of doves get tossed about the place. Messes people up, no one can react before I naruto run out of the building, ill-gotten gains clutched in my feathery palms

google THIS

Me: Is&this your card?

Business contact: (about to hand me their business card) Why, yes it is. How did you do that?

Me: I have no freaking idea. Help.


*is accidentally given a magicians suit at the dry cleaners. walks into tanning salon, sees young lady climb into a tanning bed*

"I know this one!"

*saws tanning bed in half, murdering young woman*

Starman Super DX

Had a little too much to drink last night and this morning I found myself bent over a toilet vomiting up an amalgamation of liquor, that crappy diner chicken parm, and about seven or so feet of brightly colored square handkerchiefs tied together at their corners.


accidentally got handed a magicians suit at the dry cleaners, again... reached into a pocket for my wallet and pulled out a bouquet of flowers. Just logged into my online banking, there's over $4,000 in charges. This is the third time I've fallen for the magician suit scam.


Many years ago, I stood in line at the dry cleaners. The man in front of me was accidentally given a magician's suit. Who is that man today? Chris Angel. I was accidentally given a leather gimp suit. Who am I today? Also Chris Angel that's right you've been Mindfreaked


Logged in to Equifax to check my credit report, didn't realize I was wearing a magicians suit, 143 million peoples identities were stolen

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

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