Unworthy Goon Gifts (Part 1 of 2)

robodex

Last year, all I wanted was a new headset for my computer. I play a lot of online games and generally use voice chat a lot and my headset had been broken for a few months, so I told them what I wanted (even showed them what I had before and said "just get me another one of these.") It was literally the only present I wanted. What I got was a headset that went behind my ears, was flimsily made, non-adjustable (which doesn't work well since I have an enormous head) with a mic that sounds like I'm talking out of a tin can. The one time I did use it for an extended period I cut my ear open on the plastic part. That was my "big" gift last year; other than that they bought me a wallet (I had bought an expensive one three months before) and a $5 case for my iPhone where I had to take it out every time I wanted to use it.

This year, I asked for a controller for my PS3. I even told them "get an official one, since third-party are shit." Needless to say, I didn't get an official controller--I got a third-party one that requires a dongle and has no SIXAXIS or Dual Shock support so it's useless for many of my games. Hell, I asked for Red Dead Redemption and was in the store when they went to buy it--my dad saw it, then saw that they had the "Undead Nightmare" pack and it was cheaper, then went to buy that instead until I spent twenty minutes explaining to him how I can't possibly play it since it's an expansion pack.

blazeing w hitler

Mom,

It was a few weeks ago when I was in a very important meeting on Ventrilo when you had the audacity to enter my room without knocking. I politely removed my headset, and swiveled around in my chair. You asked what I wanted for Christmas, to which I told you I wanted a new video card. Let me ask you something: on what planet does "ATi Radeon 6850 2GB" sound anything remotely like "iPad"? Because that's what was under the tree on Christmas Day. I even expressed to you my distaste for Apple on the way to class when you dropped me off for exams. I've waited something like four years to play Crysis on max settings without jaggies and unfiltered textures, and right when I prepare myself for an xmas vacation of shooting up koreans in absolute graphical bliss, I find myself stuck playing Angry Birds. What the fuck? I would at least use it as a portable multimedia player, but all of my music is encoded in FLAC, which this piece of shit does not support. Perhaps next year I should buy you some hearing aids.

Mister Snips

My grandma got me a Flip Ultra camcorder. The ones that you can't buy anymore, that record in 480p and in pretty bad quality. Now that isn't that shitty of a gift, except that she told me that she won it in a sweepstakes. She got it for free. Nothing ruins a gift like finding out that it didn't cost anything, I kind of feel like it was a second thought or an excuse to save money because she usually gives me something like $30 and that's much more use to me.

WET BUTT

I was so flabber ghated i said "Cool, 3g, that's one less than 4g" out loud to my mothers face and actually left the room and have been watching g4 with the lights of for the past few hours. Next move?

Sensual Ozma Lover

So I open the box and it's a freaking WATCH. Who wear's a watch anymore, it's called a cell phone, much?? I literally burst out loud "Hey Thanks grandma lets go back in time to when people actually wanted a watch" and went behind the couch pretending to walk down some stairs. Stayed behind the couch all night sometimes slapping the back of the couch hard to freak out couch sitters

Dr. Kyle Farnsworth

I definitely wasn't the favored one once my younger sister was born. One year my sister--who was 8--got a brand new top of the line computer which she promptly broke because she was 8. I got the cheap, free, tiny black and white TV that came with the computer. When she was 10, she got a brand new, awesome stereo system which she promptly broke because she was 10. I got...a folding chair from Office Depot. I got cheap hubcaps for my constantly-dying beater (which had all its hubcaps), she got a new, paid-for car.

I also have never been a big fan of Christmas (can't imagine why) so spent several years getting multiple copies of A Christmas Carol in various iterations. Hint hint.

WET BUTT: You there, boy, what day is it??? ... go get me the biggest nintendo wii memory card you can find!

bhlaab: but sir the wii has 512mb of internal flash memory

Cumhand Luke: and what did my fucking deadbeat parents get me THIS christmas?? a crutch. oh and btw i already have one, didnt ask for another then my dad's creepy boss came by with a fucking dead bird. who the fuck eats a goose

basically christmas can i'm glad i probably wont live to see many more of them.

Thanks to the SA Goons for sharing their pain, and to FYAD for lending a cry shoulder! (Also, credit to anne frank fanfic for the quote I used as promo text, and to Shmorky for the opening illustration.) These were vintage posts from holidays past; check out next week's installment for some fresh disappointments from Christmas 2011!

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller