Caution comes first with the SA Forum Goons, whether it's demonstrating the proper technique for using PlayStation Move controllers or indicating just what should be inserted furiously into where. Joshua "Thunderbeard" Pugh found this site, which offers warning-sign templates for almost every conceivable situation. Except, perhaps, "The 'warning signs' part of this update will be delayed slightly in order to present the grim tale of an anthropomorphic pickle." But Thunderbeard did that one himself, so now it's safe to say everything's covered!

So, SA Forums member Part of Everything made this cute little pickle sculpture -- just look at it, with the miniature hat and the tiny briefcase and everything -- and she invited her fellow Goons to flesh out a typical day in his working life (as a newspaper editor). She might have expected many things: Pickle puns, unbridled creative expression, trenchant commentary regarding the worrying state of print journalism as a career in 2010. What she got was this:

  • Random reference to the 1994 movie Speed.
  • Crude drawing of the pickle masturbating into his hat, using the arms/hands she'd explicitly stated he didn't have.
  • A cat defecates on the pickle's now-hatless head, which inspires him to defecate in turn before projectile vomiting.
  • The pickle begins shoveling the puke and shit into a toilet, but he's interrupted by his wheelchair-bound rival Still Dill.
  • The first part of this story culminates with our protagonist "Workin Gherkin'" drowning the hapless paraplegic Still Dill face-down in the overflowing fecal pit.

As you might have noticed, I didn't link any of those images, because -- what the fuck is wrong with you people? But one man endeavored to transcend this theme's scatological wallowings, to inject emotion into this pickle's plight, to liberate Workin' Gherkin from the bathroom, if not, sadly, delivering him to the newsroom. And that man, recognized just last week for his salvation of the inert "rainbow-farting puppies and glitter unicorns" thread, was Discount_Bees.

Holy shit, they've kidnapped his wife and kid.

Workin' Gherkin is such a good father and husband, he'll do whatever it takes.

'Fuck that, if anything is going to destroy this family, it'll be my constant whore-mongering and debauchery, not some goddamned kidnappers.

It's go time.'

It was a long walk to the meatpacking district. Longer if you include the stop at the strip club on the way.

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