The Irish Deer Award

One monster was so terrible and so strange that it stood beak and tentacles above the competition. We don't know why TSR created this monster, we don't know what purpose it serves, and we're not even sure what it is. Maybe you can figure it out. The one thing we know for certain is that nobody has ever used this piece of shit in an adventure. Just like the Irish Deer.

Steve: What book did you find this thing in?

Zack: Steve, these are all from the Monster Manual.

Steve: No way, this thing isn't in there. What book did you really get it from? Fiend Folio? Some sort of Spelljammer book?

Zack: It's in the regular old Monster Manual. Available for all those times as a DM when you need a real challenge for your players to encounter as they explore the hypnotic maze at the bottom of the ocean.

Steve: I guess there's not a lot of flexibility with this guy.

Zack: What!? This guy is great. He's perfect for any adventure in the lightless abyss at a depth that would crush modern submarines as long as it takes place inside Morkoth's lair that he never leaves.

Steve: He's exceptionally intelligent.

Zack: That's why he's exceptionally worried. Look at that Chicken Little expression.

Steve: He knows he's never going to get picked for a random encounter.

Zack: "Your submarine explodes and you find yourself stranded in a maze. You feel like you HAVE to go towards the center."

Steve: "Someone ties weights to your feet and you sink to the bottom of the ocean and miraculously survive. You're now in a maze. Roll saving throw against charming mazes."

Zack: "You are in a dungeon high atop Death Peak, you open a door into the skeleton king's throne room and suddenly you realize it's all an illusion. You're really at the bottom of the ocean and this whole time you've been traveling through Death Peak Dungeon it's actually been the Morkoth's Maze. And the bold fighter that has been accompanying you and encouraging you the whole way is actually a figment your subconscious created to cope with the sterile modern world we inhabit as corporate slaves waiting for our time to run out. Your time has just run out! The Morkoth attacks!"

Steve: "A friend calls and invites you to his mazewarming party at the bottom of the ocean. Your old friend sounds different though, like a very worried bird tweeting. When you arrive you feel compelled to walk deeper and deeper into his maze with your seven layer salad."

Zack: "While deep sea maze fishing..." You know what, maybe this guy is pretty good.

Steve: I told you, dude, in Dungeons & Dragons the only limits are the imagination and mom's frequent intrusions into your privacy while you're gaming.

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About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.

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