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Dr. Thorpe: Her belly button looks like the mouth of an ent.

Zack: Her vagina looks like an almond. Not vaguely like one, either. Exactly like one.

Dr. Thorpe: Who goes out and buys ice cream with a humongous erection? I'll bet it's a great scam to get free ice cream. You just show up in the nude with a big giant erection, and they just shove the ice cream at you and try not to look and say "okay, now get out!" He can't have had time to take off his clothes after buying the ice cream. He would have had no place to set it down, and we know she can't have been holding it because judging by her dialogue here it's the first time she's seen the ice cream. So we must surmise that he was nude when he purchased it

Zack: Or maybe it's an ice cream stand run by some creepy old guy who just wants to take picture of teenager's boners. Frankly, I'm surprised they aren't both shrieking in agony as their skin and organs boil off given how huge that sun is. Look at it. It's like a giant glowing jellyfish back there in the sky.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, it's shooting off million-mile-long solar flares. It's a wonder the ice cream hasn't already melted.

Zack: Maybe it's the solar flares that are the real subject of this picture. Like this is a moment frozen in time just as the heat from the solar flares penetrates the atmosphere and cooks Riverdale to a cinder. The citizens are blissfully unaware, fixated on minutiae like ice cream and boners, and then WOOSH! The world is cleansed with solar radiation leaving only a vast baked desert unmarred by human civilization.

Dr. Thorpe: This picture is capturing the cruelty of fate. Archie's about to get incinerated right when he's finally about to get some. I wouldn't hesitate to call this picture an artistic masterpiece.

Zack: I just noticed that Betty has four toes on one foot and three on the other. Normally I would expect four toes in a cartoon or comic, but they both seem to have five fingers on their hands so this is just a tapestry of mutations. Maybe this isn't the first time Riverdale has received massive doses of gene-warping gamma radiation.

Dr. Thorpe: The shape of Archie's skull is a testament to that.

Zack: Yes, his brain pan appears to be bifurcated. He may have two separate masses of cerebral tissue warring with each other for control of his central nervous system. Betty isn't even looking at him or the ice cream. Her thoughts are elsewhere. Come to think of it, Archie isn't looking at her either.

Dr. Thorpe: How can you tell where they're looking? Their eyes are just glassy black coals of evil.

Zack: Maybe in the path of a cosmic holocaust your eyes are like the proverbial canary in the mineshaft. When they turn into glossy black orbs you know the destruction of mankind is only a split-second away.

Dr. Thorpe: It's a nice thought, but I think the ultimate destruction of mankind will come from the slow death of our culture, and the warning signs pretty much look like the picture we're seeing right now.

Zack: I think these warning signs are going to become much clearer as we proceed.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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