You've got a message! (4 of 5)

Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, Brigadier Anson Loneswell-Bronty, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.

Customer Comments:

"I hired him to devise a parachute attack for my samuroids, but it tooks forever. Every time I'd go to check on his progress in the command chamber he would always quickly close windows on the computer and try to hide what he was doing. I instructed an Infodrone to check the browser history, but it was empty. Oh, and all of the parachuting samuroids landed in a lake and sank straight to the bottom. He's really quite shit."
- Iro Masacari, Oyabun (S.U.M.O.)

"A great hire if you need someone naked, tied to a barrel of mutagen, and being spanked by hyenagirl."
- Hitler Threetails, supreme overlord (Yiffcor)

Brigadier Anson Loneswell-Bronty

AKA: BoundNGagged22

Customer Score: 13% (rate)

Availability: Currently Unavailable!

Capabilities: Strategic mastermind behind the Loneswell-Bronty Incident, genius responsible for the assault on Precinct 29, and personally involved in the incomparable slaughter that is recorded in the history books as U2's Rattle and Hum Tour. Great with teenage girls as well. I'll keep an eye on them while you nip out for a bit of fun.

Equipment: Nakamura Mk-4 Command Foot Stool and Cozy Chair, Times jumble and crossword (partially complete), sweater vest, Luger, tea table, tea, sweet biscuits, a cheese and pickle sandwich at noon, and a vulcanized rubber confinement suit with back flap.

Special Training/Notes: Quite keen on knots and secure bindings, submission, forced feminization, panty peeing, and pegging. Email available if you would like to discuss. Teenage girls willing to get your tits out and beat a bad old man a big plus. I've been quite horrid, why don't you punish me with your rubber willy?

Asset Liquidation Clause: In the event of asset liquidation in the field, a payment totaling $2000 is to be paid to Helena Bronty. In the event that Mrs. Bronty is deceased, payment should be made to Candy Apples and Vixxxen at the Coxswain's Pussycat Hole Revue Club in Topemhatshire, Surrey.

Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:

Oversaw the transport by lorry of the penny press to the port where the process of loading it onto a Panamanian freighter began. MI35 had by then wised up to Adverse Interest's theft of the press and had dispatched attack helicopters to the port. The pilot, of one helicopter misidentified a vauxhall nova rocking from side to side for the 18-ton penny press and destroyed it with a hellfire missile rather than have it fall into the hands of Adverse Interests. Inside the car was the Brigadier and a trollop he had paid five quid to finger his(more)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2022 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful