On April 29th, 2011, at 4:00 AM Eastern time, Prince William of Wales, son of Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana, will marry Kate Middleton, daughter of nobody worth mentioning. They will be married at Westminster Abbey in a manner suited to royalty and keeping with the dreams of aging housewives and the manufacturers of memorabilia for filling hoarder houses.

As an American, you may feel distant from these proceedings both geographically and emotionally. It would be a grave mistake to allow apathy to overwhelm your interest in the fairytale lives of the wealthy and privileged just because they aren't named Kardashian. We have compiled all of the information you will need as an American to enjoy this magical occasion. We hope it will help you enjoy the Royal Wedding.

The Basics

Get sorted with a few commonly-asked questions about the wedding.

What is the UK?

The last, sullen drunks left in the pub as it's closing down.

What is royalty?

When a boss has a baby and makes his baby the boss and that baby has a baby and makes it the boss and they just keep on doing that and marrying each other until they're all turd-ugly and dumb as pigeons.

How did William and Kate meet?

Middle class gal Kate Middleton was buying a new Land Rover limousine from the same dealership where Prince William has halogen lights riveted to his manticores. They did not speak then, but William was quite taken with her small teeth and had his guards summon her to the palace for tureens of tripe and groats. They hit it off and showed each other where the pee comes out.

He later jammed his willy up the bottoms of several other ladies, placing his relationship with Kate in doubt. William apologized and surprised her with a Gurkha on her birthday. She was so flattered she took him back immediately.

How much will the wedding cost?

Exactly the amount cut from the NHS in the UK in 2011.

Wait a second, didn't this already happen?

Yes, and it will happen again unless we are freed from this Lorentzian time torus by the Chronoforce.

Can I go?

If you haven't already received your invitation you will not be invited. However, you are permitted to watch on TV as long as you are not a felon, Irish, or members of the Australian TV show The Chaser.

Why should I care?

Because they are so much richer and better than you.

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