#3: "Has anyone seen Kate?"
Since starting this site back in 1999, one of the most frequent questions I've been repeatedly asked by readers of all ages and backgrounds has been "has anyone seen Kate?" I can't go a day without receiving countless emails, IMs, texts, and phone calls from hordes of rabid folks ceaselessly inquiring about Kate's current visibility status. Up until recently, I could never sufficiently answer them. Then I discovered this game. Now I still can't answer them, but I got to waste a couple minutes playing this piece of garbage before I instantly deleted it.
#2: "Minecraft 3D"
It's like Minecraft, except it's in 3D! What's that, you say? Minecraft was already in 3D? Okay, you might have a point there, but Minecraft 3D takes the core element of the game ("having the name Minecraft") and aims it in an amazing new direction. For example, it added a "3D" to the end of its title. Also you really can't do much of anything. Also your right arm has been curiously replaced by your left arm. If you're like me and enjoyed Minecraft but felt restricted by its lack of letting you float in space and get pursued by waves of goofy rectangle monsters near an intensely vibrating tree, chances are good you still won't enjoy this game.
#1: "Dontrel the Dolphin 2"
Dontrel the Dolphin 2 isn't a video game; it's a collection of horrifying materials the dark lord Satan uses to craft utter nightmares. From the damaged and borderline schizophrenic mind of Trelyate's creator comes a platformer which will make you regret being born. Years from now, psychologists will still be writing books attempting to analyze the thought process behind this game, and years from now the answer will still be "fuck if I know." The author's insanity is further compounded by the fact he's written an entire book about his fictional country of Trelland which you can purchase from Amazon and immediately throw into a bonfire for the sake of future generations. In this amazingly obtuse abortion, the player must guide Dontrel the Dolphin (a dolphin wearing clothing and incapable of swimming) through a handful of psychotic worlds, picking up valuable "kores" which can't be used for anything in any way. Graphics, music, gameplay... they're all alien creatures from another dimension, sent here to fatally corrupt our brains and annihilate the human race. The horrors simply cannot be described with blocks of text, they must be experienced. May god forgive me.
I hope you enjoyed this brief trip down the repulsive back alleyway of gaming, and look forward to being assaulted by countless other monstrosities in the future. Subscribe to my Youtube channel and cringe in horror as we continue to dig through digital vomit on a semi-regular basis!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
It is said the Lord did write upon the sky, "Only the Most Awful shall be cataloged herein." And a wind did come and blow away the words and turn them into a skull. And the writers did fall upon their knees and give thanks, for yea, the Most Awful was good. Thus the lists were born. Read them, sons and daughters, and be strong.