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Recon 2023: The Gauda Prime Conspiracy

Wednesday, Jul 10, 2013 by Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)

Overview: Lieutenant Sharp and the handful of misfit space marines/actors dumb enough to stay for another sequel blast off for the giant sandbox planet Gauda Prime. Shockingly, their destination is full of faceless enemies, ridiculous CGI monsters, and sub-human levels of banter.

Directed By: Christian Viel, 2009.

The Case For: It's the last Recon movie ever made. For now.

The Case Against: It's still a Recon movie, and if you thought it couldn't get any worse after last time, you're in for an ugly surprise.


Trillaphon: Recon 2023: The Gouda Prime Conspiracy - it's finally happened, someone managed to make a worse trilogy than George Lucas.

Hydrogen: I think it's "Gauda"...not that it makes any more sense that way, really.

Trillaphon: Oh of course not, if I've learned anything from these movies it's that you can't expect the title to make sense/have anything to do with the actual movie.

Hydrogen: I'm so glad that we're doing another one of these self-congratulatory CGI paintballing orgies, I was just thinking I had too much to live for. This should knock me down a couple of pegs.

Trillaphon: Nothing crushes the human spirit quite like the antics of Recon squad. This franchise is just another of the many, many reasons Canadians should not be allowed to have money.

Hydrogen: They use coins called "loonies" and "toonies", I think phase one of that sinister plan is already in motion.

She's checking the classifieds for washed-up porn actress roles in movies without crappy green screens.Hydrogen: But back to our personal hell. Psychically scarred veterans of the Recon series will feel right at home in 2023, which follows the same stupid formula of guys in surplus laser-tag gear wandering around taking pot-shots at goofy computer graphics while exchanging "mature" and "realistic" banter about titties and boners.

Trillaphon: In other words, it makes even the most heinous porn parodies look like cerebral arthouse cinema that only gets watched in rehabbed lofts by people with 38-syllable coffee orders and pretentiously-named gluten-free baked goods.

Hydrogen: I don't think we really need to make much of a case beyond the IMDB keywords alone for how much of a jumbled, pandering mess this movie is.

Trillaphon: "Giant egg sex with a robot bare butt male rear nudity hole through torso blaxploitation giant crab"

Trillaphon: It's like internet fetish porn search engine fridge poetry.

Hydrogen: Or filthy space tabloid headlines: "Space Probe Lesbian Stereotype Kuiper Belt Throat Slitting Virtual Reality Giant Bird Thong Stripper Killed During Sex."

Trillaphon: Finally, a story we can all relate to.
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