Overview: Talking animals, the Titanic, and an unscrupulous Italian animation company...we've been down this road before.
Directed By: Camillo Teti, 2000
The Case For: There are no magic dolphins that come and save everyone when the Titanic sinks in this one, so at least it doesn't have the moral "nobody died on the Titanic." Of course, none of the characters die, not even the comic relief bit parts, so we're still left with "nobody important or even mildly noteworthy died on the Titanic."
The Case Against: This is Legend of the Titanic with most of the crazy bullshit removed, and the only possible reason you could ever have for watching Legend of the Titanic is to see some crazy bullshit.
Trillaphon: Oh fuck me, it's happening again: the doc said I was supposed to be past the "hallucinating Italian cartoons about talking animals bringing down the Titanic" phase! How do you make another sequel to the cinematic equivalent of a five-alarm psychotic meltdown, anyway?
Hydrogen: You don't, which is why this isn't a sequel, just a completely independent Italian cartoon about the Titanic and magical talking animals. And by "completely independent", I mean "shameless rip-off", although why anyone would rip off Legend of the Titanic is beyond me.
Trillaphon: Well, just how much whimsical racism and LSD-infused grappa-fueled furry revisionist history do we have to look forward to this time?
Hydrogen: Glad you asked! Here's a taste:
Trillaphon: At least I was dead-on about the grappa and the racism, but there's nothing even remotely whimsical about this shit. I never thought I'd see a cartoon Mexican mouse that made Speedy Gonzales look 3-dimensional and culturally nuanced - they might as well have just made that thing a fucking singing mariachi bean with a mustache and called it "Señor Salsa".
Hydrogen: I might have had a stronger reaction to that video if we had seen this Titanic movie first, but a rapping terrier in a basketball jersey feels like a nature documentary compared to flying dolphins and prison sharks.
Trillaphon: Hey, those dolphins were very clear about the fact that they could fly and talk because of that girl's tears reflecting off of magic moonbeams - there's nothing ridiculous or skull-fuckingly insane about any of that.
"WAO~" says someone in the audience, amazed by a simple layup. It's the thing that Americans yell when they yell, which is all the time.
Former Navy SEAL Jeff Caliber survived tier one special ops and is now studying creative writing at Sarah Lawrence College in New York. And fighting terrorists.
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