This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 15, 1981
Subject: The Nightmare Scenario

We're in the shit now, people.

This is it. I would say this is what we've all been training for, but you jokers barely even qualify as potty trained. I've seen and inspected the messes you make in my toilets, and it's a travesty. Do you think Terry Gunns over at Stag Broth has to put up with this kind of sick bathroom abuse from his employees? He would sack them in a heartbeat.

But I'm not writing this memo to complain about your disgusting bathroom usage. Believe me, there will be plenty more memos on that subject. Right now, we face a crisis unlike any other.

When I was doing my nightly swim through the soupyard vats, I saw something no soup boss ever wants to see. There are four frogs living in the No. 3 vat. That's four frogs swimming in our Corn Medley with Bits O' Stew.

The gravity of this situation should not be lost on any of you. Handle it!

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 15, 1981

You useless idiots.

Clearly the gravity of the situation was lost on you, because one of you morons removed a frog from the No. 3 vat. Now it's down to just three frogs. Put down the nets and get the hell away before you ruin us!

From now on, you're going to do exactly what I say, and only what I say. I am the only one here who knows what we're up against. We're on the razor's edge here, inches away from the King Frog Scenario. In case you idiots failed Soup History 101, that's what brought down so many of the greats.

Amalgamated Broth? Ruined. Northern Chowder? Annihilated. Steadfast Potage? Gone. Just gone. Sacred Sip? Destroyed. Advanced Stew Logistics? Shuttered. Golden Templar? A barren wasteland. Allied Bisque? Wiped off the goddamn planet.

I'll be damned to hell if I let that happen to this company I worked so hard to build.

Follow my orders, or face the consequences.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 15, 1981

We need to establish proper balance and we did to do it RIGHT NOW. Three frogs is too low! I need you all out there scouring every creek, pond and swamp for as many bullfrogs as you can find. Bring them to me. DON'T ADD THEM TO THE VAT. Just bring me the damn frogs, you idiots. I alone am qualified to to inspect and add them.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 16, 1981

Don't bring me dead frogs. What am I supposed to do with dead frogs? The next idiot to bring me a dead frog has to eat it in front of me or I'm going to start swinging my chain around until I whip each and every one of you in the eyeballs.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 16, 1981
Subject: No. 3 Vat Situation

I got the balance back under control by adding three more frogs. Not surprisingly, the only one of you that managed to bring me any live frogs was Ðâng Lành. Six frogs is still precarious, so I need you idiots out there coaxing them to procreate. I want to see evidence of amplexus by nightfall.

If you fail in this task, I will make sure every last one of your lives is ruined. I will stop at nothing until nobody will hire you. When I'm done, you'll be lucky if you walk out of a job interview without a black eye.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful